3 Keys to Creating a Cohesive Step Family

There’s nothing better than finding love after a failed relationship. While that is super exciting, if one or both of you have children, it may just get more exciting than you had asked for.

You certainly hope that the blending of the ones you love is as easy and pleasant as mixing butter, sugar and vanilla when you make a cake. However, sometimes what you end up with more of a vinegar and oil combination with spices just too pungent to take.

Now, this doesn’t mean that you have to give up on the love that you’ve finally found with Mr. Right. It just means that if you want to make it work, it will most likely require a lot more effort on your part to make the transition from one to two more seamless – for everyone involved.

Here are three keys concepts you may want to follow as a recipe for step-family success:

Key #1: Encourage togetherness and individuality

When I worked in the child custody field in my pre-writing days, this is probably the one thing that I saw violated most. The two adults (biological parent and step-parent) were generally great when it came to focusing on the togetherness of the family unit by doing things as a group, but they were so concentrated on trying to make everyone get along that they failed to let the kids be alone with their biological parent too.

It’s understandable that you may be overzealous and try to do a bunch of things as a “family” just to get that mindset placed, but nothing can make a child more resentful than suddenly having to share their mother or father with other kids. They start to wonder if they’re being replaced and it scares them.

Some of the most effective blending that I witnessed is when the step-families did things together, but they also made it a priority for each parent to spend one on one time with their own children.

So, try to schedule regular events that the whole family can attend to create new, fun memories, but don’t forget to do things on an individual basis too. That way your child can get the best of both worlds without feeling like it is being crammed down their throat.

Key #2: Create a united front

mother playing with her children on beach

The second biggest issue I saw with step-families is when the parents didn’t have a united front. In other words, it was more than clear that the step-parent held second place and the child knew it. Sometimes this is okay or even necessary, but a lot of times it causes problems.

Now, I’m not suggesting that you should put your man in front of your child or that your guy should have you on a pedestal above his children. However, what I am proposing is that your child should see the two of you as a united front and know that you are working as a team with each one supporting the other.

Really, any two parents in a household should follow this simple guideline. You shouldn’t argue or have disagreements in front of the children, especially if it is about the children. Kids don’t need to be privy to adult topics and they have a tendency to worry if they know that the two primary adults in their life don’t see eye to eye.

Therefore, you’re better off limiting important discussions to a time when your children aren’t around. Remember that kids are very good listeners so even if you think that they’re in the other room not paying attention, they may be hanging on to your every word.

For this reason, you may want to wait until they’re out of the house completely or find someplace where their little ears won’t pick up on what is being said.

Key #3: Have clear expectations

source
source

When two families are blending, it can often be hard to figure out the role of each person. It’s almost like you’re mixing two different colors of paint. Sometimes one hue stands out more than the other, but your ultimate goal is to end up with one new brighter and more pleasing color.

Having clear expectations allows this process to go much more smoothly. When every member of the family knows what their responsibilities and obligations are, there are fewer questions. Everyone knows his or her place and problems are less likely.

One of the best examples of this is with chores. If you just go day by day and have no clear expectations about who is responsible for what around the house, it’s highly probable that either nothing will get done or you’ll be left to do it all yourself. Neither of these scenarios are good.

So, you create a chore chart, right? Each member of the household is assigned a specific duty. You make sure they’re age appropriate and that each individual who lives in your home is responsible for a certain chore. Everyone knows what their responsibilities are and there are no misunderstandings or failures to communicate.

When you create an environment like this where both you and the kids know what to expect, it takes the chaos away. It also encourages everyone to work together as a team, where each part is necessary to the whole.

Blending families takes time. You’re throwing a bunch of people with vastly different life experiences into the same residence so give it time for everyone to warm up and come to terms with the changes.

This process is similar to walking an unknown path with a blindfold on. You’ll want to go slow and continue to feel things out so that you know you’re staying on course. And, if you notice you’re not, you can change it without being so far in that you can’t turn back.

Good luck to you on your new life together. Stay strong and remember that you’re setting an example for your children in their own lives. Teach them how to respect each other and work as a team and you’ll do just fine.

About the author

Christina DeBusk

Changing careers mid-life from law enforcement to writing, Christina spends her days helping others enrich their businesses and personal lives one word at a time.

Add Comment

Click here to post a comment