You are guilty as charged, and you know it. Those little things you thought no one knew you did, but everyone knows, because they do them too!
There are things that are human nature and are pretty interesting…and hilarious. And no one would ever catch you doing them because you would never do them, would you? Well, no one believes you, because those are just weird things people do all the time, they just don’t talk about it.
Your boss really got on your last nerve. You are fuming. Steam is coming out of your ears. So you walk away thinking about all the things you would say when you see them next time. Then you walk up to them and smile without saying a single thing.
Maybe next time you should say what you actually think. But try to do it in a nice way.
Having conversations with your friends in your mind
Just as you can shout or argue with someone in your mind, you can have conversations with them. Your best friend isn’t around? That’s a shame. At least you can still talk to them when trying to figure out if you really should date that guy.
You just got a drink from a gorgeous man at Starbucks and as you have gone there a few times and chatted, you finally add each other on Facebook. So you find out his surname and, in your mind’s eye, you try it out next to your own name. Does it sound good?
Maybe you also imagine what the wedding and kids would be like? Of course, you don’t really have any intention of marrying him. Not just yet, anyway. You just think about it to be on the safe side should the topic ever come up, three years from now.
No, you’re not going to do it in public, but when no one can see and there is something stuck in there? Of course you try to get it out. Just don’t tell anyone I said so.
You stare at a couple with a baby and suddenly you wonder how on Earth this baby could come to be, because the parents look like they would never ever have sex. So, you’re kind of shocked. Only of course you would never think about that, not at all.
On someone else’s wedding day you suddenly realize they will have sex that night. Will it be good?
Someone’s been mean to you and you imagine just how much they will regret it, either when you die and their conscience hits them full force, or when you, say, win an Oscar, or the Nobel Peace Prize, or the Pulitzer Prize. Or at least when you marry Leo DiCaprio.
Just imagine that. Oh, you already did? If you’re an actor you probably already wrote the speech, too.
They are gross. So naturally, you squeeze them to get rid of them.
You happen to end up having a cup of coffee with someone, being interviewed by them for a new job, interviewing them yourself, they are the new neighbor next door or you just started working with them. Only, they happen to be hot, smoking hot.
And immediately you start asking yourself questions about them, like would they be the kind of guy you could date? What kind of underwear do they sport? Do they shave their armpits? What would they be like in bed? And when you think they aren’t watching you are checking out everything from their ass to their fingernails.
You hire an entire series (or just open Netflix) and then you can’t stop watching for days. You’re addicted like it was crack.
Likewise, you start a book at night to read three pages. You finish the book at 5 am and arrive to work with a book hangover the size of the caffeine mountain you are about to climb.
The last time you paid attention to traffic was five blocks away. You have no idea how you got to where you are.
You pick up a book and start reading, only to realize some time later you have no clue what you just read. You have, on the other hand, decided what to wear on your next date.
Seriously, that email should have arrived. There should be more likes on your Facebook update. And that guy most certainly should have sent you a message by now. So why isn’t it coming through? Refresh!
You book a vacation and before you know it, in your mind’s eye, you see the vacation unfold. Your neighbor on the tropical island turns out to be Chris Hemsworth (who is now magically single) and every night he toasts with you, and you drink, until one day, he invites you over. The rest is history (very hot history).
Ah, the things you’ve done in your mind. From being Cat Woman and saving the world to having an excellent shout down with Sarah Pallin.
Whether it is to avoid the annoying beeping in the end, or you are trying to detonate a bomb, you don’t let the thing go off.
No, not the microwave, but the alarm clock. You set it early so that you will have time to snooze, many times. Hit snooze. Snore. Hit snooze. Snore. Hit snooze. Snore. Hit stop. And you are finally sufficiently ready to be awake. Congratulations. You made it to another day.
Some things always get likes, like new profile pictures. So when you are feeling really down one day, you decide to get by with a little help from your friends.
You know you really support a cause, or you want to express something really badly, but you think it might lead to a Facebook war, or some people would simply stop liking you if you post it. So you don’t. But you know deep down inside what the people are thinking about the true you anyway.
You will never sacrifice a night on the town for a night at home with your boyfriend. You are not one of those lazy types. You love a happening social life.
You will definitively not become one of those moms that post pictures of their baby fifty times a month and only attend child friendly events. So boring, come on!
And most certainly, you will never do anything your parents did that annoyed you, absolutely not.
You tell yourself over and over again that you will not date a certain type of guy. You are through with playboys, cheaters, bosses (very impractical, leads to a lot of job changes), shop-o-holics, alcoholics, couch potatoes…
Nor will you ever again do something stupid like spending $200 on a pair of shoes just because they used to be $400. It will never happen again that you eat a whole pint of ice cream all by yourself whilst watching Netflix. This will never ever happen again, until next time.
You just wrote an email to someone important, and after you hit send, you immediately reread it. Same with the blogs you write. Maybe even the Facebook updates.
You know your best friend will tell you the guy you are dating is an ass, but you ask her anyway about what she thinks, and then spend thirty minutes trying to convince her that she is wrong, whilst listening to none of what she has to say.
You know people will praise you for your choice of man, job, decision, etc. You just want affirmation and time to sit and oh and ah about how great you are and how exciting this thing is.
Guys do this all the time. What about us, women? We never do, unless we are desperate, of course, and look like Rudolph after the latest onslaught of the winter cold.
You posted this hilarious post on Facebook (Really, it was hilarious). But you only got one like. You probably posted it at the wrong time, or people are just stupid and don’t get it. To be on the safe side, you decide to delete it anyway.
Of course you can rely on your super aware, mind blowing ability to decipher people at first sight. You just know the good from the bad. Only, it’s best you check Facebook before you are absolutely certain the guy is divorced and not still, secretly, with his wife and five other women. Just in case.
He doesn’t reply. You must have said the wrong thing. Or he just isn’t interested? Maybe you are like number three of three women right now?
He replies straight away. Clearly he has no life. He must be a stalker. You’re not sure he’s worth it. Maybe you should just not date him?
You pick up your laundry with your feet
You know just how to pick up your laundry with your toes, toss it in the air and throw it in the laundry bin. In fact, you should have won a gold medal for your skills in this department.
You talk to yourself. You debate problems, you tell yourself you rocked when you nailed a job assignment, you ask yourself what to have for dinner… These conversations are very enlightening as you always get the answer you thought you would, the one coming from your own intelligent self.
You are on the subway, or in the middle of the street, and suddenly you remember something hilarious and burst into laughter. Much to everyone else’s stunned confusion.
Sometimes you just happen to overhear someone else’s conversation and you find the conversation or something they said hysterically funny. Embarrassed, you try to suppress the insuppressible giggle rising from within you, and fail.
You end up having a conversation with a hot guy. Maybe you are selling him something, maybe he’s selling you something, or maybe he’s your doctor, dentist, or barista. Either way he is hot, smoldering. And suddenly you have this urge to giggle and can’t remember anything at all that you are supposed to be saying. Your mind is a blank giggle.
You just met someone, and obviously, you want to find out who they are. So you research their social media. A certain photo had you in total awe or crying with laughter, and without thinking, you hit the like button. Only the photo was three years old, oops.
Someone’s reading a magazine and you are looking over their shoulder, hoping they won’t notice, because you don’t want to ask them what they are reading and go buy it yourself.
You are at the airport, stuck in the security line, and too lazy to pick up your phone, so you are trying to check out what time it is by looking at other people’s watches. Those watches are set on time zones from all over the world, making it very helpful.
You have a habit of ending up with a certain kind of job situations, friends, or boyfriends. So you are dying to ask your hot date if he is a notorious cheater, if he has a habit of doing nothing but smoking pot all day, comes with a crazy ex attached, or has a tendency to embarrass himself when he gets drunk.
You may also want to know if he is capable of doing his own laundry, or still sends it to his mom. Of course, you can’t ask him that on a first date though, so you just wait, and wait. And potentially snoop.
Do you have any other funny habits to share? Tweet me @OhMyMontgomery or comment below!
Writer. Social Entrepreneur. Foster mommy (twins). Change maker. Foodie. Health freak. Nature lover. Creative nutcase. Blogger (Confessions of a Dizzy Blonde). A friend of mine once described me by saying “One minute she’s like the Dalai Lama, the next a dizzy blonde” and maybe that does sum me up…
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