His mother hates me! This is something that many women around the world think about their boyfriend’s mom. How to win her heart?
The scary part of being a couple is meeting the parents. The parents provide the gateway to engagement and marriage and your boyfriend most likely wants their blessing before the proposal. You need one parent to convince the other to like you, and the mother is the lesser of two evils. Therefore, a great relationship between you and the mother is crucial.
Nonetheless, not all mothers will like you or want their son to like you. Similar to pleasing his father or his sister, it’s opportune to learn why his mother might hate you and how to please her. Is there a solution? Read on and find out both viewpoints and possible resolutions.
His mother hates me. Why?
While fathers are strict on men who date their daughters, mothers are strict on women who date their sons. The mother wants what’s best for her son, and this meeting will determine if you are best for him. Some mothers see the bad in you first while others are open-minded. Regardless, it’s your job to be a good girlfriend in front of his mother. If you marry him, she will evolve into your mother-in-law.
As far as figuring out why his mother hates you, don’t bother. The reasons are infinite. You believe you can decipher the reason, but the reason may shock you. Nevertheless, it’s unlikely she will tell you the reason but know there is a reason. Ensure those reasons weren’t caused by you.
What are you doing wrong?
Two things answer the above phrase: being mean, being fake, and giving an ultimatum. The ‘being mean’ part relates to intense arguments, insults, and mean-spirited comments about his mother. Yes, you might wonder: why his mother hates me with no reason? But, being mean in return worsens it, especially if the boyfriend is present.
Mothers instantly know whether a girl is trying too hard for approval. The girlfriend acts too nice and generous or conveniently says the right things. This phony attitude won’t fly with her. She sees right through it. Be authentic, yet respectful.
The ‘ultimatum’ speaks to forcing your boyfriend to choose you over his mom. This puts the boyfriend in the center of the dilemma, and the answer will hurt someone’s feelings. Besides, most answers to the ultimatum are choosing the mom over you.
In the chance the boyfriend chooses you over his mom, the divide between you, him, and his family deepen. Resentment comes regardless of who wins this ultimatum. The loser will not extend an olive branch to the winner anytime soon.
What is he doing wrong?
Like you, the boyfriend is making mistakes in this interaction. Pleasing his mother too much is the first mistake. Yes, his mother’s opinion is valuable to him. After she speaks her mind, it’s your boyfriend’s job to accept or deny his mom’s opinion. If his mother’s opinion is more important than your opinion and/or your feelings, it’s time to re-evaluate the relationship. He needs to understand both opinions are valuable.
While his mother hates you, your boyfriend doesn’t have to stand for it. Is he defending you during a family argument? A man defending his woman is noble, and what woman would say no? He’s definitely worth keeping. If the boyfriend doesn’t defend you, it’s a glaring mistake.
What does his silence or mom agreement indicate about you and him? He should be comfortable around his family to speak his mind. Confront him about that but don’t nag him.
Possible resolutions
If nothing is wrong on his end or yours, resolutions exist. Your boyfriend’s mom can love you like a daughter in no time. These tips will teach you how to approach the situation and turn the “his mother hates me” into “his mother adores me”.
1. Discuss the sticky situation with the boyfriend
He needs to be aware of the divide between you and his mother. Approach this delicately; disrespecting his mother is unacceptable. The boyfriend’s goal is to unite you and his mother, and if he cares, he will listen to both concerns (you and his mother) and suggest a compromise.
2. Discuss this with your mom
She will be a sounding board for your frustrations. While not accurate, her viewpoints will open your eyes to how she feels about you or her son.
3. Kill her with kindness
While his mother hates you, you don’t have to spew hate back at her. Ignore the hate and place a smile on your face. Respond to insults and complaints with courtesy, politeness, and flattery. This makes the mother appear ungrateful in front of her son while making you the bigger person. Win-win.
Always be respectful and polite to your partner’s mother, even if she’s not treating you kindly.
4. Be kind, yet assertive
Don’t let his mother walk all over you. If the man won’t defend you, stand up for yourself. Tread carefully with assertiveness because this could anger your man. Respect the mother’s viewpoints and express yours. She may dislike your protest, but she knows where you stand.
If your partner’s mother is being rude or disrespectful, it’s okay to set boundaries. You can politely ask her to refrain from certain behaviors or conversations that make you uncomfortable.
5. Don’t take it personally
Remember that your partner’s mother’s behavior is not a reflection of your worth or character. Try not to take her negative behavior personally, and focus on maintaining a positive attitude.
If all else fails
You tried everything possible to convince his mother to like you, and his mother hates me still. At this point, a solution is nonexistent. His mother is stubborn and will never change. You can wait for her to change her mind, but that’s a dream.
Continue being kind to his mother, treat her son right, and be yourself. A relationship can survive without the mother’s approval. Can you continue to date him knowing his mother dislikes you?
These tips wouldn’t be necessary if all boyfriends’ mothers loved their girlfriends. Unfortunately, this isn’t the case. For whatever reason you might think: his mother hates me for sure, try to change her mind.
Nevertheless, don’t force or pressure her to like you. Embrace the differences and coexist peacefully (from your end at least). Show her that you are willing to coexist even if she won’t. It won’t get easier during marriage, with children, or while attending family gatherings, but at least you’re trying.
A common question couples ask is how to not let parents get in the way of a relationship. Read on to find the answer that will help you and your relationship.
Be patient, stay positive, and focus on building a healthy and happy relationship with your partner.
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