As Perez once said in The Mourning Bride, “Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned.” So, if you’ve experienced your fair share of the hell portion of that statement, how do you move past the bitterness, disappointment and emptiness that failed relationships often leave behind?
There is no greater feeling than being in love. You float around like a butterfly; gracefully maneuvering around life and enjoying its simplicities. Then, without warning, someone smashes you to the ground and you’re left with wings broken, feeling completely alone and wondering what just happened to your blissful, happy and serene life.
While there’s no doubt that an ended relationship can leave a bad taste in your mouth, you can move beyond it. In fact, you must if you want any shot at happiness. So, how do you lessen the blow and make life livable again?
Here’s some tips to help you go from hurt to healed:
How many times have you been told, “It’s not you, it’s me”? And, did you believe him when he said it, or did you just look at it as a cop-out?
The truth is that if he isn’t into you, then it isn’t about you. We’d all like to think that the sun rises and sets around us, but the reality is that if the relationship fizzles on the other end, it’s entirely about them. After all, you can’t make him feel something he doesn’t, no matter how hard you try.
Being ‘dumped’ or ‘relieved of your relationship duties’ doesn’t mean that you’re a bad person. It just means that you aren’t the person for him. It is possible that two good people just aren’t meant for each other.
So, don’t let it define who you are. Don’t wear the ended relationship like the Scarlet Letter and consider yourself used and damaged goods. All it means is that you weren’t compatible with one person; not that you aren’t compatible with the rest of the world.
This is where a lot of women go wrong. How many times have you, or a friend you know, just left a relationship and jumped right into another wrong or equally as bad one?
If you don’t give your time to heal whatever wounds you have, you’ll likely make the same mistakes over and over again. You have to allow yourself to fully understand and learn the lesson behind why it didn’t work so that you don’t walk the same dark path again.
Now, that doesn’t mean that you have to exclude the rest of the world until you’ve fully figured out every aspect of your soul either. But, you may want to set a suitable time limit before you entertain the idea of starting another relationship.
Try to figure out what went wrong with your relationship. Not only what he did wrong, but what you did wrong as well. Try to look at your situation as an outsider looking in.
Was he too possessive and controlling and told you where to go and what to do all the time? Were you too untrusting and constantly questioned his every move? Did he not show you enough love and affection? Were you too scared to say what was on your mind and ended up bitter and resentful when he couldn’t read your thoughts?
Assess the relationship for all that it was and figure out the pieces that didn’t work. It will not only help you figure out what you want and don’t want in the next one, but it will also give you great insight into the areas you need to work on yourself.
Nothing will hold you back more than constantly living in the past. If you spend all your time mulling over how good or bad he was for you, then you’re not actively living your life in the present. In other words, you can’t move forward if you keep looking behind you.
When you feel yourself reliving past issues or events, bring yourself back to the present. Focus on where you are now and where you want to go from here. You can’t change the past, so you need to just accept it for what it is and move on.
Now, you’re probably wondering how you can learn from the past if you have to stay in the present, right? Admittedly, there is a fine line between the two. However, if you can study the past objectively (as if you’re reviewing any other historical event) and learn what you need to learn, you can then move on. It isn’t always that simple, but with some practice, you’ll be able to keep you focus on what lies before you this instant.
While you certainly want to heal, you don’t want to use your hurt as an excuse to shut yourself down forever. Keeping others out completely may be one way to deal with the issue, but it’s only effective if you want to live the rest of your life alone and without companionship.
Just as you are unique and different from every other woman out there, so are men. You shouldn’t be judged based on what some woman did to their man, nor should any other man be judged based on what some man did to you. That isn’t fair to anyone involved.
Is it tough to get back up on the dating horse once you’ve been bucked off, landed on your back and had the wind knocked out of you? Sure it is. But why give up your passion of horse riding just because some old mare didn’t see life the way you did?
Failed relationships take a toll on you, no doubt. But how much of a toll is up to you. You can either let it give you a slight nudge in a different (and often better) direction or you can let it knock you down and roll over you, taking life’s air from your body.
The choice is yours.
Changing careers mid-life from law enforcement to writing, Christina spends her days helping others enrich their businesses and personal lives one word at a time.
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