#1 Don’t Think About Who is Right
What you need to ask yourself is whether it is important to know which one of you is right and which of you is wrong. Sometimes it is more productive to understand and acknowledge how each other feels, because most fights escalate from miscommunication. Men and women often see things in a very different light, which makes it hard to communicate or resolve anything when disputes happen. If you both love each other, it can be more useful to try and see things from each other’s perspective rather than place blame.
With this is mind, here are some things you can do after a fight, to diffuse confrontation, and encourage better communication so that you can both be heard and resolve your problems in a more loving manner.
#2 Give Each Other Some Space
If a row is escalating, and frustration caused by a lack of empathy or proper communication is leading you both to become less rational and more emotional, then step away from the argument and let each other cool down. When you have both had some space to think, you are more likely to be receptive to each other’s needs, and not just focused on defending your own corner.
Sometimes problems seem much bigger and more significant in the heat of the moment, because your partner’s reactions may add sparks to the fire, and other issues may be brought to the table at the same time to back up current points being made. None of this is conducive to a resolution though.
If you want to resolve something rationally, you need to approach it rationally. If you are calm, then your partner is more likely to be calm too. So just give each other some space and agree to talk about it later over dinner or when you are both feeling more relaxed.
#3 Have a Hot Bath and Then Call Your Mum
Being involved in a row with your loved one means that you have a lot of tension in your body that needs releasing. Having a hot bath or doing some meditation can help to relieve some of it and clear your mind so that you think on a more rational level. If you have a logical mother or an objective and brutally honest friend, settle down with a cup of tea and give them a call to talk things over. You will feel better after hearing someone else’s input, and things will be arranged in a more orderly fashion in your mind, ready for when you approach the topics again with your loved one.
#4 Have a Good Old Cry!
Believe it or not, crying after a fight actually helps to make you feel better. You will feel more renewed afterwards because emotional tears are the body’s way of releasing stress hormones. If I were you, I would wait until you are alone – otherwise you will probably be accused of emotional manipulation or risk being perceived as weak! It happens. Get it all out, and then take a deep, cleansing breath in and breathe out all that horrid polluting tension.
#5 Make a List of the Most Important Points You Weren’t Able to Express
After a row, the worst feeling is feeling that you feel you haven’t been properly heard because both of you were too emotional for any real communication to take place. Now that you are alone you can sit down with a pen and paper and write a short to-the-point list to define the main points of the problem from your point of view, so that the details don’t get lost next time the argument is addressed. You can then memorize the list as a mental image to refer to when you come back to discuss the situation, or you can give it to your boyfriend so that he can respond to each point separately. Keeping the list short will make sure you keep your argument concise enough to be resolved, and also make it easier to keep the discussion structured. Arguments get out of hand when they are taken on the beaten track.
#6 Have a Cuddle
It might seem like a strange thing do after you have been involved in aggressive communication for well over half an hour, but having a cuddle will break down any physical barriers and make you both focus on how you actually feel about each other. It is easy to forget during a row that you’re meant to both be on the same side when you are in a relationship. You don’t have to hug immediately, but at least come together for a cuddle after you have space to cool off and you are ready to start talking things through again.
#7 Keep Your Partner Informed
It is tempting after a fight to storm off out the door. If you leave after a fight without leaving each other with any idea of where you are going or what you are going to do, you are only going to end up fuelling each other’s insecurities, and you may even cause more problems in your relationship. It is much kinder to at least state that you are going to the corner shop for milk and some fresh air to cool off, or that you are going for a wander to have a fag and think about things and that you’ll be back in half an hour to talk properly. Communication is important, even when you are feeling negative adrenaline seething through your body. Communicating even in this small way with your partner after a fight can actually begin the healing process, because you are showing that you are not just in attack mode and that you do actually care and want to resolve things with your loved one.
How Do You and Your Boyfriend Behave After a Fight?
Are you able to resolve disagreements like adults after you have had a big row? How do you calm yourself down or help to diffuse tension in your partner? Many couples give each other the silent treatment and a fall-out can be like a test to see who is the weakest and will come back with their head between their legs. What are your thoughts on abusing power dynamics after fights? Do you do it?