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It hurts to discover that you’re the backup plan of the guy you gave your heart to. It’s even worse when this discovery happens when you’re already in love.
So you’ve met this new guy, not online but in real life, and you think, he looks really nice and acts like a legit Mr. Nice Guy. You can’t help but start to think that he’s probably better than the previous guys you’ve gone out on a date with.
He probably won’t allow you to pay for the entire bill on your first few dates and he probably won’t steal a penny or two from your wallet when you’re not looking. In short, you’ve got high hopes that he may be exactly what you’re looking for.
However, as you spend more and more time with him, you can’t help but notice that he keeps on talking about his ex-girlfriend, whom he broke up with six months ago (but he always refer to it as just recently). Does this mean he’s just lonely and is looking at you as a possible backup?
You can never really tell until you read the following signs that you are only his backup plan.
Let’s face it. The right guy will look forward to spending the rest of his life with you and the guy who obviously sees you as a backup plan only will shudder at the thought of commitment.
So if he’s been straight up with you from the start, telling you how he wants to keep things light and chill, it’s an obvious sign that he sees you as his backup only. If so, you don’t have business chilling with him. Move on to someone more worthy.
Yes, labels are not necessary sometimes. But on your case, we think that it matters that you at least need know where you stand with him the earliest possible time.
So if he’s dismissing the thought of calling and showing you that you’re his girlfriend or is quick to tell you how he thinks labels are not necessary at all, it could be a subtle hint from him telling you that what you have right now is not going anywhere with sense.
If so, don’t invest anything on him. It’s a telltale sign that you’re just his backup and you can’t treat him as your priority if he’s not doing the same for you.
We know that this can be pretty crazy but in reality, a guy who’s serious about pursuing you and proving his worth to you will spend what he can afford to make you feel special. Yes, he may not have a fat bank account but with what he has, he will use it to show you that he can take care of you the best way he can.
So if this “Mr. Nice Guy” you’re seeing couldn’t even spend money to buy you a cup of coffee or take you out on a simple date, it could mean two things.
First, it could be because he’s really broke right now. Secondly (and this could be the case for him), you may just not be someone he sees worthy to spend his hard-earned money to. If this is the case, know that what you fear about has been confirmed: you’re only his backup!
You can be sure that you’re only his backup plan when he doesn’t want to share even the smallest responsibility with you. For example, you want him to be your gym buddy, he declines.
You want to adopt a stray cat with him, he says he’s allergic to anything furry. He’s drawing these clear lines with you because he knows he’s not staying with you for long. If you’re brilliant, you’ll pick up the obvious clue and not waste time with him anymore.
Even if you think that he’s the nicest guy on earth, you know that he still has flaws. He’s not perfect though he looks like one. So on days that you have to deal with his bad behavior, and you have lingering worries that if you call him out on it that he’ll vanish into thin air, just remember this: He won’t stay with you if you’re not his go-to plan.
So try calling him out when you think his attitude over something isn’t right. If he stays and works things out with you, you may have found yourself a keeper. If he leaves without even making an effort to explain himself, that’s him telling you you’re only his backup plan.
No matter how new you two are as a couple, chances are he’d want you to meet the people closest to him: his friends and family. While it may be too early to meet his family if you’ve only seen each other for weeks or several months, by now you should have already met some (if not all) of his closest friends.
So if you’ve not seen even a shadow of one of them, it could be because you’re not that important to him yet. And you won’t ever be if you’re just a backup plan to him.
Yes, we know. We’re all guilty of flaking out from time to time. But if he’s made this a habit or it takes so much time for him to say “Yes’ to you when you ask to hang out with him out of nowhere, it’s obvious that you’re not his priority but his backup only.
If you’re a smart woman (and we seriously believe you are), don’t let it stay that way. You’ll end up with a decimated self-worth and that’s the last thing you want to happen, especially if it’s a guy who never made you his priority.
Ever noticed how he only does stuff with you because it’s convenient for him? He doesn’t make that many plans not because he wants adventure.
He acts this way because he can never tell when his priority girl will be available and while she’s not, he thinks you’re a good candidate to help him pass the time.
He knows it’s always been your dream to publish a book and when you talk about the action steps you’re taking so you can turn this dream of yours into reality, he looks as if he doesn’t care.
And if he’s mustered the strength to feign interest, there’s something in your heart that tells you he’s just faking it. Why? It’s because he doesn’t see how your dreams can benefit him.
And if he only cares about how he’ll benefit and not about what makes you feel happy and satisfied as an individual, it’s another surefire sign that you’re just his backup plan.
Now that you’ve read the top signs that tell you you’re his backup, you can now decide whether this guy you’re dating sees you as his gold standard and not his silver medal only.
Remember, you don’t deserve to be a backup plan for any guy, no matter how great of a catch you think he is. And if he starts to make you feel like you’re one, don’t waste time with him anymore. There are others out there who can give you the VIP treatment you deserve. You just got to be patient while waiting for him to arrive.
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Maine Belonio is a twenty-something mom and writer who has a penchant for coffee, long distance running, Tolkien, Switchfoot, and Jesus.
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