21 Ways to Screw Up Your Job

Whether you have just landed your dream job or are looking for a promotion in your current role, the following tips will show you what not to do to avoid sabotaging your career.

The majority of us want to do our jobs well, not only so that we may be considered for a promotion or offered more money, but also to gain a sense of job satisfaction which is a very important part of any occupation. The following article will help guide you in the right direction; as long as you do the exact opposite.

1. Over promise and under deliver

This is what all the great sales pitches are made of and is an effective strategy which is employed by politicians the world over. Employers love people who talk the talk, it gives them ideas and inspires them. If you are a manager and under deliver don’t worry, you can always blame a more junior member of staff.

2. Turn up drunk, stoned or hung-over

business woman smoking at the office

Gone are the days when we could smoke, drink and fight in the workplace. Nowadays everyone has gone pc crazy and our liberties are slowly being eroded; more employers are recognizing this breach to our personal freedoms. Therefore if you are already ‘off your box’ when you turn up for work this will not go unnoticed. The world’s most brilliant minds and genius artists were involved in some form of substance abuse to enable them to release their inner creativity, and you are no different.

3. Get off with your married boss

This is a really good idea, especially if you are useless at your job. There is nothing more effective than sleeping your way to the top to gain respect. Eventually your new love is bound to leave his wife and children for you. If you can somehow rub it in your work colleague’s faces and start treating everyone else like you run the show, even better. Your work colleagues will love and admire you for this type of behavior, and in the unlikely event that you are dumped, they will all be there for you.

4. Steal from the company

The company has plenty of money and resources so it’s perfectly acceptable to spend hours on the phone and internet sorting out your social life. It’s also okay to borrow things you need like office stationery, laptops, general appliances or whatever else is going ‘spare’ such as shoes and handbags. If you happen to have a position where monetary transactions are involved feel free to dip in if you find yourself a little short. Companies make allowances for an element of fraud; why else would they have insurance? Lighten up. Stealing from your employer wasn’t the big deal it used to be.

5. Pass off someone else’s work as your own

This is a no brainer. Why put in all the effort and hard work yourself when you can just borrow someone else’s blood sweat and tears and get all the credit for it. Top marks if, as a result, you get a promotion which means that you are in charge of the person whose work you stole.

6. Get drunk at work functions (and make a scene)

Employers like to see their employees let their hair down and have a bit of fun now and again, it’s not all work and no play, so don’t be afraid to show your human side at a work party. Anything you do while drunk doesn’t really matter, your boss will laugh the next day at your crazy antics such as laughing loudly during his speech, vomiting on his wife’s dress and offering him a blow job. At previous work functions I have fallen off a table, projectile vomited and even hid in a cupboard drunk; in fact I cannot remember half the things I have done. I am self-employed now but at the time everyone thought it was hilarious and I was ever so popular.

7. Be rude to clients

Clients actually prefer you to drop the façade of niceties when communicating with them. I mean, we all know it’s false so why bother? It’s an outdated mode of communication. Also, if your work involves email communication, ensure your message is in text speak, direct and to the point. Clients need you to cut through the BS.

8. Be rude to work colleagues

angry woman screaming on her colleague

Work colleagues don’t actually pay you to do your job and you see them every day so what’s the point of saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you’. I mean, it’s not like you asked to work with them is it and some of them are very boring and annoying. You are far too busy to be saying ‘thank you’ every minute of the day.

9. Gossip

Everyone likes to gossip and if you don’t there is something wrong with you. If you hear a piece of gossip then it’s your absolute responsibility to pass it on, if it were to stop with you no one else would be enlightened now would they? Make sure you add your opinion and angle to any gossip when you pass it on.

10. Lose your temper

You are absolutely justified to lose your temper in the workplace. No ifs, no buts, if someone annoys you then kick off. How else are they going to know that their behavior is upsetting unless you tell them? So go ahead and throw your toys out of your pram, get it off your chest. Everyone will understand. This strategy is more effective if you let resentment and anger build up over time.

11. Be consistently late/leave early

What’s the big deal about being on time anyway? The world isn’t going to end because you are late is it. And there is always someone to cover for you. As for leaving early, so what, you do have a life outside of work.

12. Take lots of sick leave

Be sure to take sickies, after all, why have a sickness policy if you cannot abuse it. Mondays and Fridays are excellent days to take off as it means you can start your weekend early and have an extra well deserved lie in on Monday. I mean come on; Mondays were made for sleeping in n’est pas?

13. Make war with someone you work with

It’s imperative you have someone you hate intensely at work and publicly bitch about, if you cannot find anyone that you can hate for a valid reason; just pick on someone who is generally unpopular. Its helps your career no end if the boss holds that person in high regard, or better still, is related to them.

14. Bring your personal problems into the workplace

If you are going through any kind of outside drama you need to announce it publicly as soon as possible so that everyone at work can get on board and cut you a little slack. Just split up with your boyfriend? Expect hot tea, support and advice. Suck those work colleagues for everything they’ve got. Full marks if you can roll on the floor and cry.

15. Expect others in your team to always back you up

Beautiful young woman executive in the city

You are the most important person in your work place so it’s only right that you should have your own version of flexible hours, take unreasonable amounts of time off, and always have first dibs on important holidays like Christmas. Don’t worry about your workload; the other members of your team will always be there to back you up. Their time with their loved ones, children and lives outside of work are not as important as yours.

16. Be useless at your job

Nowadays it doesn’t really matter if you can do your job or not. There are strict employment laws in place to protect you at every turn. In fact being incompetent is a prerequisite to some people’s jobs, so much so that I almost forgot to put it on the list.

17. Engage in sexual harassment

If a male work colleague as much as looks your way then it’s within your rights to go straight to HR and claim sexual harassment. Alternatively you can sleep with him first and then report him to HR. However, it’s perfectly okay for you to force your cleavage on the new guy in accounts or make loud remarks about the guy in the gym’s buff body. Men can handle it, it’s completely different for them and in fact they welcome such behavior in the workplace.

18. Fall asleep on the job

It’s completely unreasonable for an employer to expect you not to get tired from time to time, especially if you have just come back from vacation, or had a heavy night out the evening before. It’s a basic human right to sleep. So if you want a little shut eye go straight ahead.

19. Moonlight for a rival company

It’s all about not keeping your eggs in one basket. And don’t worry about giving away trade secrets, if you don’t do it someone else will. Passing on trade secrets actually helps the company to keep on their toes and foster a competitive edge. View this strategy as a fabulous service you provide to both employers.

20. Lie about your qualifications

Businessman talking to a woman for a job

No one really has all the qualifications and experience they say they have so there is no need for you to have them either. If you see a job you like, just go for it and make up your résumé. No one will ever check. Like anything in life, practice makes perfect. A qualification is just a piece of paper and all the information you need is on the internet now. I bet you could even learn surgery online. Don’t sweat the small stuff.

21. Hide your workload

Everyone likes to ‘work smarter’ nowadays and productivity is always being measured regardless of your occupation. If you work in an office then do remember that paperwork can be shredded or taken home to insulate your loft. If your productivity is measured online then work statistics can be massaged or ‘lost’ although you may have to have a relationship with someone from IT first.  If you work outdoors you can just pretend you have done stuff or cut corners. Remember, if in doubt, lie (or blame someone else).

Some of the guidance above may seem obvious, but you will be surprised how we can all at times let our standards slip and fall into negative behaviors such as gossiping at work. As long as you don’t follow the rules above, your work life should benefit.

About the author

Eleanor Goold

As well as being an avid reader, Eleanor is also a big time animal lover; especially of dogs. If you have a tail, four legs and you bark…. you’re in! In her spare time she enjoys swimming, and vegetable gardening… but not at the same time (it can get a bit messy).

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