How to Help a Friend Who Is Being Abused

You want to help, but you may not necessarily want to but in and make matters worse. You want to nothing more than to ease their pain, but you don’t know how.

And, unfortunately, you may think you’ve finally gotten through to her before and convinced her to leave her abuser, only to find out that she was going to go back to him and most certainly face his wrath yet again.

So, how can you help her without hurting yourself and driving yourself mad in the process?

When I first started my career, I was a Legal Advocate for a domestic violence shelter. It was my job to respond directly to the scene of the violence and talk to the often shattered and broken woman. I was to help her secure a safe place to stay and start to put her life back together.

I was there to walk through the court process with her and to explain her rights and responsibilities. My goal was to get her to see that she didn’t have to live in fear or pain. All too often, I saw her walk right back to her abuser and face yet another beating.

Initially I was extremely disturbed by this fact and didn’t understand what was going on. In my mind’s eye, I thought, “You know what is going to happen when you go back, so why are you doing this to yourself? Don’t you see that things are just going to get worse?”

However, after a few years, I was able to finally see why the women made the choices they did.

My goal is to share some of this information with you so that you can be there for someone that you love who is spending her days and nights in the hands of an abusive partner.

#1: Seek to understand her

The hardest thing for me to learn was that although the answer may look easy to someone outside of the situation, it isn’t so easy for the woman who is stuck in it.

She feels financially dependent upon her abuser. He has called her names and cut her down to the point where she thinks that he is the only one who would ever want her.

He tells her that he loves her and she wants so much to believe him that she ignores his actions, which tell her the complete opposite.

You don’t have to agree with your loved one’s reasons for staying or going back, but at least work to understand them. It is often much more of a complex situation than it initially appears to be.

And, the more she feels that you connect with her, the greater likelihood that she’ll come to you when and if she finally decides that she has had enough.

#2: Love her without judgment

She gets enough judgment from her abusive partner, so the last thing she needs is to get it from you too. Constantly telling her that she’s wrong or crazy for staying isn’t going to help her.

It is simply going to reinforce the negative things that he’s telling her about herself day in and day out.

If you truly love and care for your friend, then you do so regardless of the choices she is making. It’s an unconditional love that says that you’ll be there for her through thick and thin.

That being said, it’s not always easy to sit back and watch her fall again and again. So, if you can’t take it, then be honest with her that it causes you extreme pain to see her abused and you just can’t deal with it in your face.

However, let her know that you’ll always love and care for her and that you’re ready to support her if and when she chooses to no longer be his punching bag.

#3: Help her develop a safety plan

The most dangerous time in an abusive woman’s life is when she decides to leave her abuser.

Therefore, your friend will need a safety plan to make her feel comfortable enough to take that super scary step that she is positive will enrage the man in her life and make it his personal goal to get back at her.

In her safety plan, she should have someplace to go that he is unfamiliar with. Maybe it is the friend of a friend that he’s never met or a domestic violence shelter that is in a confidential location.

She could keep a bag at your house with some essentials (like a couple changes of clothes and personal hygiene items) so she can leave the moment she has the opportunity without trying to sneak these types of items under his probably very watchful eye.

She should have a cell phone in case she needs to call the police. She should also have things for her children if they are in the home and she is taking them with her as well.

The more planned she is, the greater the chances that she will in fact leave and the more likely it will happen in a smooth manner as he won’t even realize what is going on… until it is too late and she is already gone.

You could possibly take her to the court and get her a Personal Protection Order (PPO). Yes, it is only a piece of paper and may not necessarily stop him, but it will at least give police leverage to arrest him if he violates it and is in her vicinity when he shouldn’t be.

#4: Give her the information for when she’s ready

Getting a woman to leave her abuser is often similar to getting someone else to quit smoking. You may both know that it is bad for her, but until she’s ready to kick the habit, it isn’t going to happen no matter how much you try to push it.

The most you can do is educate her as to her options for when she’s ready.

If you do a little research and find local agencies or organizations that may help her, she may suddenly see that she doesn’t have to stay with her abuser as there are other people out there who are more than willing to help her succeed.

After all, if she doesn’t know that she has options, she is more likely to stay right where she’s at.

And, remember that her self-esteem is taking daily hits so it may take a lot for her to realize that she is capable of living on her own. Often, that was the greatest thing to see with the ladies that I worked with.

They would have that ‘a-ha’ moment when they did something on their own and finally saw that they could take care of themselves, often even better than her abuser was taking care of her.

There is nothing easy or simple about watching a friend and loved one get hurt over and over again. And, unfortunately, you can’t make choices for her. But, you can support her and love her which may help her be strong when she’s ready.

She’ll definitely need you when she reaches the point to leave her situation. Then you’ll finally get to see the strength you knew she had along, but never realized herself.