5 Things Men We’re In Love With Owe Us

Don’t expect a normal article out of this or a great new theory. It’s just a story about how being in love affects certain women (that is, me) and how many of women’s’ problems have men to blame for. No, they don’t owe us glue for our broken hearts (although, that wouldn’t be so bad either). These things are way more practical. Think of this as a suggestion box that will never be opened.

1. Concealer

The nights I couldn’t sleep because of men! How many of them … All of those nights left a trace – under eye bags. And decent concealer costs about 50 dollars. I think of those 50 dollars as monthly taxes for being in love with a jerk. The jerk should deliver the woman concealer every month – it’s only fair.

2. Liver

A like to think that when I develop some kind of liver sickness due to alcohol use, all my ex lovers will contribute, so they could buy me a new liver. It’s their fault I drink so much. All the nights I’ve spent holding a glass of wine singing Billie Holiday’s songs! They are the cause my organs will probably want to retire early, and the cause of those nights are men.

3. Treatment

woman by the psychologist

If by the end of this “what-ever-it-is” I make it without a shrink, I’ll be buying you all drinks. Whatever you want. Champagne? Coming right up! In case you need therapy after this relationship, the one who was messing with your mind should pay for your shrink. Really! Why should your bank account suffer because he’s a jerk? It’s all his fault, so he should get the bill. It’s the least he could do.

4. Exercise

When you get all that brake up weight, he should run instead of you and somehow lose your weight. That’s not possible, so he should just act as the personal trainer. Take you running, swimming, dancing, play basketball, do yoga, cook healthy food and make you lay off carbs.

He’s the cause of you getting fat, right? He should get you to lose it, too.

5. A Thank You Card

It would be really nice if every time you end a relationship, you get a thank you card. Let’s say… “Thank you for not killing me or cutting my private part off. Thank you for doing meditation for half an hour so you wouldn’t call me drunk in the middle of the night screaming how I’m a stupid lying idiot. Thank you for having sex with me although I have a fat stomach. Thank you for boosting my ego. Thank you for pretending not to know the things you do. I just wanted to say that, thanks.”

But no. All you get are stupid calls, Facebook photos of him and his dumb new girlfriend, thoughts on him having crazy fun while you’re watching “500 days of Summer” and/or a dumb sms.

But what can I tell you… Oscar Wilde once said: Forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.

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