Relationships

Communicating With A Man: What Works And What Doesn’t?

Do men and women really speak different languages? Yes and no. Here’s what does and doesn’t work when talking to a man.

You have probably heard that men are from Mars and women are from Venus, but what does that really mean when communicating? We reveal you all the details on how their brains are functioning and how to approach your man when you need to talk.

His cave

Portrait of a young man near window with transparent curtain hiding half of his face

Do men always want to talk right after something happened, or might they retract into a cave for a while?

It depends on the man, but many men do prefer to process something by themselves before speaking with you about it. They may fear that they can’t handle your emotional reaction to something, but chances are that they simply want to think it through and come up with an action plan before talking about it.

Men like having solutions to problems. If he didn’t tell you he got fired when he got fired, in all likelihood he was ashamed and wanted to be in control before speaking to you—he wanted to have a plan so that he would feel less humiliated.


He'll give his heart to the first woman who does this...


Being in control also means not showing you his fear and pain. Men like being macho and showing that they can handle themselves. Coming home frightened, sad and with a broken ego after having been fired isn’t really something they consider being in control. Basically, a man likes to feel capable, whether he proves to you he can open that tin for you or he can have whatever job he likes. Besides, no one can hurt him, right?

Long speeches

Men use fewer words than women. As a result, they often also prefer to-the-point dialogues. If you go on and on and on about something, you will lose him. He might also get frustrated because he just doesn’t understand why you won’t stop.

There’s also the odd chance that he tunes out after a while. You will end up thinking that he doesn’t care while, in fact, he just isn’t capable of listening to something that long and complicated—he gets lost in the tirade of words.

If you want your guy to understand what you are saying, think about it first and edit it into something coherent and fairly short. Often, if we speak without thinking about exactly what points we want to make, we ramble—especially if we’re nervous.

Emotional speeches

Side view of a muslim man comforting a sad caucasian girl mourning in a train station

Some men are petrified of crying women because they feel incapable of comforting them. You see, for a man, the solution is usually a plan to fix whatever’s wrong while a woman just wants a hug—or a friendly word or two.

Conflict and blame

If you are upset about something, take a walk around the block, have a cold shower or get some exercise before you speak about it. Most of us overreact emotionally to things—especially if we have some wound that’s triggered. i.e.

We see something from the wrong angle or magnify an emotion. Just because someone’s late doesn’t mean that they don’t care, even if it meant your mother didn’t care when she was late when you were a child.

In short, we tend to weave meaning into things, and it’s important to stop and ask ourselves if it means what we think it does. Are you angry because your guy just did something that truly means something bad or because you think it means something bad? Is he even aware of how you feel about this thing? Did he know that it’d upset you?

If you want to work it out, explain that you are upset and move forward in a manner so that he doesn’t do something to upset you again, what do you think is the best policy?

Should you get really angry, or should you just calmly explain how you feel, showing how hurt you actually are while acknowledging that maybe he didn’t mean to hurt you? Think about it.

In my experience, if I punch someone, they punch back. That’s why, in my opinion, it’s better to show you are looking for a solution as opposed to starting a fight.

Likewise, before you get angry with your man because he happened to say something stupid on a day when you’re furious with your boss, stop. Consider whether or not he did something wrong or if you’re just angry in general.

When you want him to do something

Casual couple having coffee together at the coffee shop 2

He should do his part of the household chores, but currently he is only taking out the rubbish. He ‘forgets’ everything else, so you nag, you beg and you get angry. It doesn’t work. So, what does?

It works to compliment him for everything he does that’s good. It works to show affection when complimenting something he does for you that you truly appreciate.

It also works to compliment him in general for a few weeks before you discuss the rest of the things he should be doing. When you do ask him to do something, it works to give him a kiss and tell him he’d be the best if he could just do that one thing for you.

If a guy feels appreciated for what he does, he’s so much more likely to do it. A nagging woman, however, is not someone most men look to please. They feel disliked, so why should they please her?

In the bedroom, a similar policy applies—praise him and show him how much he turns you on. Sooner than you know it, he will be looking to please you in ever so many ways.

Try to be to the point when speaking with a man. When hurt, instead of blaming him, show your pain and ask if he can help to ensure it doesn’t happen again.

Be sure not to make assumptions either; rather ask if he really intended to make you feel that way or if you misinterpreted something. Appreciate that, on days when you might just want a hug when talking to him, he’ll come up with a game plan to ‘fix’ what’s wrong. If you want a hug, ask for it.

About the author

Maria Montgomery

Writer. Social Entrepreneur. Foster mommy (twins). Change maker. Foodie. Health freak. Nature lover. Creative nutcase. Blogger (Confessions of a Dizzy Blonde). A friend of mine once described me by saying “One minute she’s like the Dalai Lama, the next a dizzy blonde” and maybe that does sum me up…

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