Are you the bridezilla that never left? They say every action has an equal and opposite reaction, and the dirt from any hole creates a hill somewhere else. When it comes to relationships, the aim should be that both people are equally empowered so the relationship remains healthy.
In a female led relationship, when the woman calls all the shots, insecurities blossom, and potential power struggles that you want to avoid become inevitable. Here are ten things that can help bring a female led relationship into balance. It’s not always clear if you are in a female led relationship, but if most of the things you do together are your call, that’s a pretty clear sign.
If people often mention that you wear the pants in the relationship, that is another sign. You may want to think about how to communicate in more egalitarian ways for the sake of your relationship.
1. Take turns choosing what to eat
It is common that women prepare the food, but it’s also very common for people to eat out. Frankly, it would be great if you could prepare food together at home, and enjoy the process. Whether you are eating out or staying in, there will still be choices about what you’re going to eat.
If you are in the habit of calling the shots all the time, it doesn’t allow your man to develop a healthy relationship with food. What in the world does that mean? It’s no secret that men have a harder time, in most cases, adopting healthy eating habits. You may be choosing what you’re eating because you care more about healthy food than he does, or he may just like to keep it easy and give you the decision.
If one person is making all the decisions, the other person becomes disengaged and their own ability to make decisions atrophies. If they were suddenly without you, chances are, they wouldn’t make great decisions. Just like we need to exercise our muscles, we need to exercise our decision making capabilities.
Growing up, I always asked my sister what I should wear, when she moved out to college, it wasn’t just that I didn’t know what to wear. I didn’t realize I had relied on her to make most of my decisions and was at a huge loss psychologically. If you truly care about your partner, you will let him make decisions so he can also have autonomy and develop a healthy self-esteem.
When it comes to food, as long as you have boundaries of things you will not eat, give him just as much choice and it will grow a stronger bond between you two. You want a two way bridge not a one way traffic pattern. This simple technique can start to affect your communication style and begin to bring balance into your relationship.
2. Make it a point to listen
It’s hard to know how your partner is feeling if you’re the one doing the talking most of the time. If you have a shy or quiet man, that doesn’t mean he isn’t able to talk, it just means that he will let you talk. It’s important that you both check in with each other so one person isn’t stuck in the shadows of the other person.
This often happens when one person makes more money. For some reason, a lot of people in our society equate self-worth with income, which is, of course, wrong. No matter whose career may seem more significant, it is just as significant, spiritually, emotionally and physically, to scrub a toilet as it is to pass the bar exam.
Equality issues aside, if you don’t listen to your man, you won’t know him. A relationship requires open lines of communication, and it’s important if you’re dealing with a reserved guy that you facilitate balance in your communication.
3. Ask questions in a kind way
Have you ever noticed how some bossy women are a bit aggressive in the way they ask questions? It’s enough to make anyone feel like they are being attacked. Often alpha females have a loud voice and they know how to use it. Women are often praised for being assertive, but sometimes.
Being too assertive can be extremely off putting, whether it’s coming from a male or a female. Try a soft but firm approach; say what you mean and say things with compassion.
Women can be just as manipulative as men, but it seems like they often get away with it. Sadly, a lot of men put up with bossy women and they end up feeling just as stuck as a woman dating a chauvinist.
Women won’t be any happier when they feel the zing of their relationship quickly sizzle out, as their man slinks away from them, and makes up ways to occupy his time to get a break from maniacal rants and tantrums. All women are capable of being bridezilla, and it’s only the realization of that which will allow us to choose another path.
How do we behave when we are given the keys to a mansion? Do we become spoiled or give people our respect?
4. Don’t hold on too tight to your viewpoint
Here’s some more tough love. Ever met one of those women that push their point so hard you want to throw up? Can you stand to be wrong? Do you have room to accommodate more than one viewpoint? Simply put, we have to keep an open mind in relationships.
If we ever expect to get along with people on a long term basis, we have to be willing to see other viewpoints. This simple technique applies to almost every daily interaction. You did something because you thought it was supposed to be done, but you offend someone because they did something else. If you aren’t sensitive to their perspective, it makes you come off as cold.
Warm up your inner nurturer, and apologize when you come across as stubborn or try to force your opinion onto someone else’s. If you find yourself trying to change people’s minds a lot, maybe you’re a very passionate person, well try being equally passionate about communicating amicably, which takes more patience, more emotional intelligence, and is even more worthy of respect.
Anyone can be a bully but it’s hard to be a diplomat.
5. Try to put yourself in his shoes
A female led relationship often becomes all about how YOU are feeling, and your boyfriend is so backstage, he’s not even in the playbill. Don’t make the show all about you, or your audience will get tired. If you let him be in the spotlight as much as you are, it will build strength in your relationship.
If you’re a strong woman and maybe considered more attractive than your man, it might be easy to fall into this trap. Give him credit for his good qualities and talk about him and his desires.
Think about how he feels every single day. When you have a moment consider how he is feeling, notice his subtle body language or off handed comments. Many times, when guys say things in a joking way, they are serious. Is he happy with his life? Is there anything you can do to make his life a little easier?
The biggest trap with a female led relationship is that we love the attention (if you’re a Leo) and we let it go to our heads. If he is going to wait on you hand and foot, you sure as heck better be willing to do the same in return.
Yeah girl, two can play that game.
6. Do things he likes to do
Can you list ten things he likes to do besides compliment you on how beautiful you are? Well princess, if you don’t figure out his preferences, you’re on a train straight to Single’s-ville. You can’t expect to be the queen without also having a king. It’s the yin and the yang.
I’ll have to get deep for a moment to explain this, but bear with me. Within each of us is female and male energy. We both need to work to balance those energies and not let one dominate. Okay, we can come back from hippy town now, but do you get my point?
We can all either give too much energy or suck to much energy. When we are passive, we are in the yin state, when we are leading, we are in the yang state. We are in a dance in a relationship, both must lead and both must follow, depending on what part of the song is playing.
Your relationship is not a black and white math equation, it is a work of art and it will be beautiful if you add beautiful colorful emotions into it.
7. Do things separately
You do not need a butler as a boyfriend, and he certainly shouldn’t be your only best friend. Going along with the theme of balance, make sure you can do things for yourself. What things might you do separately that will balance your relationship?
Maybe learn something about house repairs, car repairs or something he wouldn’t expect you to help out with. It’s fun to learn how to do things that men used to only do, and in female led relationships, this is common. Just give him freedom to do and explore just as you will.
If you want to work with power tools, let him get into sewing without making fun of him. You wouldn’t want him making fun of you for trying to learn how to do an oil change on your car, right? Then don’t make fun of him for having a sense of style or baking.
Men need to balance out just as women do, and we can be pretty harsh verbally, which stunts them when they are trying to undo centuries of culturally suppressed emotions.
8. Balance finances
I can’t say something that will apply to all relationships here, because each relationship has its own evolving financial situation. Some people are very open financially, and some are private. At some point, you will probably have to talk about finances, but before that happens, you can do your best to keep things on an even playing field.
My friend was dating someone who had way more money than she did, and she wanted to feel like she was contributing equally, although her income was less. She would offer to make dinner at home, which fit within her budget and gave her the opportunity to contribute.
Of course, the male or the female may be making more money, but it’s important that you try to remove that from the equation by letting each person contribute in certain ways so that resentment doesn’t build up. No one wants to feel used, and both people need to feel like they are contributing valuably in order to be satisfied in a partnership.
9. Be supportive of his goals
If you wear the pants in the relationship, make sure that you both spend time focusing on the ways to support each other’s goals. If he feels like he is giving up his dreams to be with you, things might deteriorate, and you can avoid that by making sure you don’t just talk about your own personal goals.
It’s really best, if you’re considering working together, that you balance the power struggle in your relationship, i.e. your own ego, before you even consider a joined venture, otherwise it could make both of your lives miserable. However, if you have a two way thing going on that is remarkably balanced, working together might give you a great life.
10. Do special things for him
The final technique is getting in touch with your Good Samaritan. You run the show, but can you be a leader without a hierarchy? The reason democracy works is because a leader represents their constituency, and makes decisions based on their needs, wants and desires.
A leader who is loved acts only on behalf of the people supporting them. It’s the same on the micro scale in a relationship: if your man chose you, you should keep his best interest in mind, not sweep it under the rug for personal gain. Find ways to make him smile, and be a leader that empowers the other, be a leader that helps someone else recognize the leader within themselves.
If you liked these words of wisdom, share them around and add your personal insights below…thank you for taking time to enjoy YouQueen.