The truth is, no one but your boyfriend knows if he is cheating or not. There are, however, signs to look out for to know if your relationship with someone is healthy or not. There are also ways to improve the relationship, if there are signs it’s an unhealthy one.
If you don’t know how to tell if your boyfriend cheating, we can help by revealing some important clues that can take you in the right direction.
There’s no sex anymore
This could be a sign a boyfriend is cheating. If he no longer wants sex, he could be getting it elsewhere. It could also be a number of other reasons why his sex drive has faltered.
When men get stressed, they sometimes lose their sex drive. Especially if they feel they are going through a period in their life where they have a sense of “failing.” Maybe they have trouble at work, they’ve lost their job, or they aren’t making a lot of money. Men like to feel like studs, and if they don’t, they don’t feel like having sex because they “don’t feel like a man anymore.”
Another reason for a man to stop being intimate is erection problems. Usually, they are a result of stress, anxiety, or an unhealthy lifestyle. Stress can come from work, problems in your relationship or problems with friends and family.
He'll give his heart to the first woman who does this...
Anxiety often has to do with performance anxiety – thinking he isn’t good enough for you or good enough for whatever it is he is doing. Health is a matter of eating whole foods, plenty of fruits and vegetables, keeping hydrated, getting 7-8 hours of sleep every night at regular hours (if you don’t, it’s like having a constant jet lag), spending time in the sun and exercising.
If one of these aspects is out of whack, it can affect a man’s ability to have an erection.
A man might also not feel up to it if you are constantly nagging him. If you complain he doesn’t do the dishes, doesn’t take out the garbage, you aren’t having enough sex, the sex isn’t good, he isn’t wearing nice enough clothes, and so on. There’s a trick to getting men to do what you want: praise them and encourage them.
When a man does something you like, tell him so. Randomly compliment him in general. Also, try asking for something in an encouraging way. Rather than saying: “You forgot to take out the rubbish again” say “Darling, I need your strong sexy muscles to help me carry the rubbish outside.” It might help kissing him as you say it or rubbing his neck.
By changing the way he sees you from someone who nags to someone who shows him why you think he is the sexy beast you fell for in the first place, he will likely want a lot more sex. Show you desire him and he will desire you more.
If you want to find out if a man is still attracted to you, build it up slowly. Start complimenting him. Hint at desiring him. Randomly go up to him and make out at a time when you know you can’t have sex with him (nothing like teasers, are there?).
Eventually, send him some sexts and go on a date where you dress up for him. Then go for the act. Check out Felicity Keith’s The Language of Desire, if you want some steamy tips for turning him into the next Mister Grey, potentially one without the red room of pain.
He doesn’t seem as keen on going on dates anymore
Some men are very innovative in the dating phase – they come up with incredible date nights to sweep you off your feet. Once the romance wears off, they get lazy. They have achieved their goal (you), so they think they no longer have to work for it. As a result, some of the romance fizzles out even more.
If a guy doesn’t sweep you off your feet anymore, it might simply mean he thinks he’s sorted. Or that he has a lot to do at work and can’t think straight.
Why don’t you try to come up with some sexy dates that you tell him you want to surprise him with? Give him the time and date, but don’t tell him what you are doing. Just ensure he puts it in the diary. Build up the tension by sending sexy texts about it for a week in advance.
Before you schedule any dates though, check that he isn’t totally worn down at work and might have to do a last minute cancellation. If that’s the case, thinking he is going to let you down is only going to stress him out more. If he’s super busy make it on a day off. Like on a Saturday.
He doesn’t text you very often
The truth is, we often get lazy with the texting once we have gotten to know someone. We don’t have five hundred questions we think to ask and we feel like the romance has faded a bit.
To see if you can steam it up again, try sexting. If you know he is beyond busy at work at the moment, do it in the weekends and evenings.
Not texting very much itself isn’t usually a sign of cheating. It depends on if he seems unavailable and uninterested in general.
He spends a lot of time at work
This is neither here nor there. Workloads tend to vary. Any job that involves some level of responsibility will take up time at some point or another. It certainly doesn’t mean he is cheating. If there’s always an excuse not to see you, that’s a lot more suspicious than working late ever so often, or during a hectic period.
The best way to find out is to ask questions about his work. What is it that’s taking up so much time? What can you help do to make it easier for him? When is the best time to see him when he can actually relax? Don’t put pressure on him – help take it off him.
You have to determine why he is spending so much time at work. Is it to avoid you, cheat with someone else, or is it simply because he has a lot of work to do. The best way to do so is to make sure you have quality time together when he is free.
If he is happy to be with you then, and he’s happy to share why he’s busy, don’t fret. He’s probably just working. Also, bear in mind, on his day off, he won’t want to talk about work non-stop.
Remember – happy relationships involve communication. If you want to spend more time with your man, let him know. Not by blaming him, but rather saying:
“I feel like I don’t get to see you much these days. I’d love to spend some more quality time with you. I know you are busy, so let’s work together. And I completely respect any deadline you have. If you can’t see me for a week, that’s fine. All I’m saying is that I am not happy if this is the case every week. So let’s figure it out.”
Honesty, together with understanding and encouragement, is usually the best policy. Often when people are hurt, they blame and get angry, which leads to their partner defending themselves. Rather share the hurt and ask for a solution in a loving manner. And make it to the point – men don’t like rambling.
If he has no willingness to spend time with you, then, whether he cheats or not, it’s not going to work.
He doesn’t share as much anymore
Just as with texting, it seems people get a bit lazy when they get to know each other better. People who travel and have to talk to each other via text/phone/Skype ever so often actually sometimes get to know each other better. Being next to someone doesn’t mean you are actually talking to them and truly getting to know them.
Is he the one that stopped communicating, or is it you? Do you think it’s because the romance period is over? He feels he already knows you and got a bit lazy? Or is it because he is stressed? He has a lot on his mind? Or is he simply not interested?
Try to go on some relaxing dates with him, just the two of you. When he’s relaxed, start chatting. Start asking questions. Prepare by thinking about what you don’t know about him?
As humans, we change from day to day, as we grow with what we learn. If you look at someone with new eyes every day, truly checking in on them, chances are you stay curious. Sadly, most people forget these things. They take people for granted. It certainly doesn’t mean they are sleeping around.
Another thing to help start conversations is to do new things together. Go on a trip somewhere you’ve never been. Take classes together; try doing something in the city you live that you’ve never done before, but that you’d both like. This will generate natural things to talk about. It will also help you grow together.
For example you could try:
– wine tasting
– wine and chocolate/cheese pairing
– cooking classes
– dance classes
– helicopter ride
– new exhibition
– surfing classes
– live concerts
– weekends away
– new restaurants
– learning a new language
– sports activity like yoga
– a philosophy class
– tantra workshop
– massage workshop
– painting workshop
– drama class
The best way to find out if someone’s cheating is to spend time with them. Re-ignite the relationship and then start communicating more.
Just because someone is tired, stressed, has a decreased sex drive, seems a bit withdrawn, etc. doesn’t mean they are cheating. These could be signs they are cheating, but they could also be signs they are worried about a friend, have trouble at work, are processing some past psychological wound, etc.
Men also change when the “in-love” phase is over. This phase can last from three months to three years. If the change happens, you both have to take responsibility for making the relationship a loving one filled with excitement.
Part of this is great communication, shared responsibility for both the relationship and the household if you live together, a healthy and ever adventurous sex life, constantly recognizing that you change and always finding out more about each other, as well as appreciating the time you have together.
Many relationships change if people suddenly think they only have a week left together. If you treat every week like the last, your relationship will change.
Nagging, blaming, degrading, cracking not so funny jokes about each other, especially in public, withdrawing from sex, being suspicious, etc. are all things that will lead to decreased levels of fun and romance, not to mention sex life.
If the relationship falls apart, chances are one of you will leave, or start a relationship with someone else.
If you are just suspicious because your man is going through some sort of down period or the romance has faded a bit, then first try to work on the relationship. Make things great. Start having fun again and improve communication. Spice it up, and leave your partner enough space to deal with their own stress, or whatever they are going through as well.
If, on the other hand, you are suspicious because there are obvious signs your man is cheating, then you have to talk to him about it.
Even if you think you might be making things up, you have to start communicating and building a relationship that makes you feel safe. You are supposed to be there for each other. That means you have to open up to one another.
Making assumptions is never a good thing. A relationship is built on honesty. If you feel you can’t be honest with your partner, something has to change or you have to change partners.
Should you dump him if he’s cheating?
Most people in a long term relationship will have some rough spots. They may even cheat or consider cheating on each other. That’s not to say it’s the end of the relationship. It depends on the specifics. More than anything, it depends on the desire of both parties to have a healthy relationship.
If there is no desire to start being honest and building a great relationship, it’s definitively time to leave.
If you’ve been going through a rough time for quite a while, you get drunk one night and cheat on someone, then realize it’s the mistake of a lifetime, that’s one thing. If someone is seeing someone every week, especially someone they have a crush on, it’s something completely different. That, again, is different from seeing cheating as a way of life and doing it time and time again without even caring about the consequences.
If they cheat just because they think it’s fun, I’d say it’s time to kick them out, unless, of course, you’d be happy to be in an open relationship. An open relationship is very different though, because it’s supposed to be based on honesty. Cheating is lying.
Having a relationship built on lies isn’t going to make anyone happy. So the first thing is to get honest with each other. The second is to see what you both want and fully commit to that, and do so lovingly. If there is no love, there is no relationship either.
You can’t stay with someone because it’s convenient nor because you fear loneliness. You have to know deep down you are with someone because they care about you, and you for them.
Some recommended reading
If you are going through relationship problems, in whatever way, these are books I recommend highly. Take a weekend and immerse yourself in them, then decide if you think your man is cheating or not and what to do about it. These are great confidence boosters for your love life overall.
I put them in the order I’d recommend reading them:
The Mastery of Love – Don Miguel Ruiz
The Five Love Languages – Gary Chapman
Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love – Dr. Sue Johnson
Receiving Love: Transform Your Relationships by Letting Yourself Be Loved – Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt
The Language of Desire – Felicity Keith (this is not a literary masterpiece, but it has very valid points when it comes to men and sexuality. It’s a nice read if you want to spice up your sex life. Dirty language guaranteed!)
The Way of the Superior Man – David Deida (great book on male and female polarity. And whilst Deida might slightly exaggerate, I love his work. I also think it’s written in a way that will appeal to some, not others. It’s gotten tons of reviews on Amazon, so you can check it out there Personally, it helped me a lot)
The Four Agreements – Don Miguel Ruiz
Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus – John Gray (this book is what it is, but it makes some valid points)