Why You Should Stop Dating The Wrong People

His mother abandoned him when he was a child. She’s free spirited. His last girlfriend broke his heart. She’s not ready to settle down yet. He’s just so focused on work right now. If we could be together, we would, but it’s complicated…blah blah blah….

Stop.

Ultimately, it doesn’t really matter. You understanding a situation or someone’s motivations does not give you the power to change their behavior, wants or needs in this moment. Clinging all your hopes onto an expectation of what could happen in the future only leads to disappointment.

What’s more, going any further along a path once signs appear that you are unlikely to get what you need from this person makes you 100 percent responsible for any subsequent suffering that comes your way. The reasons are fairly irrelevant in the end because the bottom line is: if it’s not enough now, it never will be.

I want this to become your mantra. I want you to say it enough times for it to really sink in and then use it to encourage you to walk away from all those romantic situations that are going nowhere.

Stop wasting your time and energy

If they cannot give you what you need and want in this moment, if they metaphorically chose not to show up for you now or if they seem less enthusiastic about your liaison than you do, then, ultimately, it is not going to change.

Things continue as they start. If what is between you right now—in this instance, in this reality, in these circumstances—is not enough, then it never will be.

I’ve often heard it said that expectations are the root cause of most conflict. It is true that when what we (usually silently) want from people is not delivered, we feel crushed, angry or frustrated.

So, in relationships, it’s vital to avoid complete catastrophe instead of hoping people have a good guess at the expectations we try to communicate. By doing so, we transform expectations into needs and wants.

It’s a subtle difference, but a very important one. Firstly, you have to be capable of being honest with yourself. You may wish that you were the super casual type, but is that honestly how you feel?

If you manage to get as far as working out what you’d like and are able to communicate that to the other person, you are already doing much better than most.

I’d like to say the next bit is easier, but I’d be lying. If their needs and wants are not the same as yours, then you should walk away. The sooner you do this, the easier it will be in the long run. Why? That’s right: if it’s not enough now, it never will be!

Realize that you are worth more…

It takes a strong will and self-love to do this. You have to keep the end game in sight rather than focus on instant gratification. Part of the problem is that we don’t really want to accept unpalatable truths, which tempts us to opt for blissful ignorance just a little longer. But, while you keep the ideal fantasy of any potential relationship alive, you are selling yourself short when you could be finding someone who it is enough with.

I once drove across four countries (Italy, France, Spain and Portugal in case you were wondering!). I somehow made this in my mind as ‘casual’ as you possibly can make driving 1,800 miles to be reunited with someone.

The truth was that before I set off, I knew, and had been shown through past behavior, that whatever there was between us was not enough and never would be. I pushed that aside hoping to find a more agreeable reality where my instincts were wrong, and the outcome would be different. Needless to say it wasn’t.

I could have nipped it in the bud a whole nine months earlier. Yet, instead of being honest with both myself and him, I decided to stay silent and hopeful.

Did I survive? Yes, of course, but I undoubtedly created more disappointment for myself and wasted my attention on someone who was never going to deliver anything remotely close to satisfaction.

Be brave enough to ask for what you want

Please don’t get me wrong: I am not advocating crazy intense behavior—quite the opposite. I’m not saying turn up on a first date, make it known that you see yourself having 10 babies and ask if they’re keen.

I’m just saying that when you naturally reach ‘that point’ (which could be after one week, one year or longer depending on the circumstances), then letting someone know what you are looking for actually saves a lot of drama further down the line.

There comes a time in every connection when you reach an invisible ledge. If they don’t willingly step up to it with you to leap off together, in a wonderfully courageous move into that unknown abyss, then it doesn’t matter how much time, patience and effort you continue to put in, it isn’t going to happen. The problem is that you are wasting your precious life by choosing to just stand around on the ledge, keeping them company.

If you choose not to ask for what you want in order to keep the game going a little longer, eventually (whether it is in one month, one or ten years’ time), it will always become unavoidably evident that it is not enough.

What seemed like a great idea at the time to avoid a letdown, turns into you investing a lot of energy that could be spent finding someone who does want the same things. It’s time you could be spending fully leaping into life, love, passion and new horizons elsewhere. If you keep hoping that their heart will perhaps one day catch up and make that jump for you, it won’t…because…

If it’s not enough now, it never will be.