You might have known from a young age that being a mom was definitely in your future. Or maybe it’s been a more recent decision (especially because once you find the one that you’re meant to be with, it’s easy to picture having a baby with them… and it’s pretty magical and romantic, too).
Having the “are we having children?” talk can be difficult and complicated. You wonder if he hasn’t brought it up because he doesn’t want kids or because he does but isn’t sure how you feel or if he should bring it up. There are so many emotions that have to do with this subject that it can be hard to know the best way to approach it.
The good news is that this guy loves you and if your love story is for real, then you absolutely need to talk about the serious stuff. Here are 5 ways to talk to him about starting a family.
1.) Bring it up at a calm, casual time
Here are a few places that would be the wrong time to bring up starting a family: when you’re on the way to your family’s house for Christmas dinner, when you’re at the airport before a beach vacation, or when you or your partner are already stressed out about work.
Telling your fiancé or boyfriend that you want to have a kid (or kids) during a stressful, chaotic time is going to make the conversation that much more difficult. It could lead to an argument that didn’t need to happen at all.
Instead, if you want to know one of 5 ways to talk to him about starting a family, here’s the first piece of advice: bring it up at a calm, casual time. Maybe this is when you two are eating a nice, leisurely brunch on a Sunday morning after a busy week, or when you’re walking around your neighborhood on a warm summer night. It could really be anytime.
The thing to remember is that you’re both sitting down (or walking) and calm. That’s the only way to make sure that you’re both listening to what the other person has to say without getting too worked up.
2.) Don’t give an ultimatum
When you want to talk to him about starting a family, you don’t want to give an ultimatum. You don’t want to say something like, “If you don’t want to have kids, we’re done” or “You haven’t told me how you feel about this so I’m going to assume that you don’t want kids and I can’t believe that you feel that way.”
Saying these things is, of course, only going to cause a fight. And a fight is not really the vibe that you’re going for here.
When you want to talk to him about starting a family, start with how you feel. Say that this is something that you’ve been thinking about for a little while and this is something that you care a lot about. Whether you want one kid or a few, this is the time to let it all out and be super honest and open.
You don’t want him to feel like you’re mad at him before he’s even said anything or that you’re looking for an argument. People feel very strongly about this topic, and it’s best to keep things peaceful and polite.
3.) Say what you want but leave room for compromise
You want three or four kids because you grew up in a big family or you just always dreamed of having many children. Your fiancé, on the other hand, thinks that having one kid is the best plan. He thinks that’ll work better with your finances and just makes more sense since you both want to keep working.
Tell him what you want but leave room for compromise because it’s not a good idea to insist on having three children when your fiancé is more comfortable with having one. You both deserve to talk about your feelings and opinions but no one should force the other one into anything.
This is a really serious, important decision, and it’s one that you both have to agree on.
4.) Talk about why it would be a good idea
Yes, you know that kids are really cute. You might have a lot of kids in your life already, from a best friend who has become a mom of two to a sister who has four little ones. Or maybe your boyfriend or fiancé has nephews or nieces and you guys love visiting them and playing with them.
It’s best to sit down and talk about why having kids of your own would be a good idea. You know the obvious reasons, like many people want a family of their own and they want to be moms or dads, and you also know reasons people have for not wanting children (like wanting to travel or make their job their baby instead).
If you feel that you want to have children because you want to have that experience with him and because you know it would be something that you would regret not doing, this is the time to bring that up. He’ll appreciate hearing your side and what you think, and he can tell you why he thinks that it’s a good idea. Then you’ll both be on the same page, which is definitely the goal of any serious discussion.
5.) Make a game plan
The final way to talk to him about starting a family? Make a game plan and make sure that it’s realistic.
Yes, you both have agreed that you want kids, but that doesn’t mean that has to happen tomorrow (or next month or even next year). Maybe it makes sense to save up some money and get things in order and think up a five-year plan. You could be ready to be parents right now and yet it doesn’t seem logical to do that because one of you wants to get a better job first or you have some other things to get in order first.
Once you have a plan in place, you can both breathe easier knowing that you’re on the same page and you’re both looking to the future with big smiles on both of your faces.
When you want to start a family with the person that you love, even just broaching the subject can feel overwhelming. It’s such an important topic that you wonder where you can even start. The best thing to do is stay calm and bring the subject up when you’re both spending quality time together and make sure that the discussion doesn’t turn into a fight.
Once you’re both on the same page about what you want for your future, you’ll be so glad that you had this talk. After all, the decision about whether or not a couple will have children is a big one, and you do have to discuss it at some point.