If you feel like you’re being led on or possibly being used, then your suspicions may be true, however, he may be waiting for you to change and not wanting to give up, so just go ahead and ask him. The majority of men do not have the propensity to discuss their feelings and intentions.
In the olden days it was considered emasculating to be emotional or admit you have feelings, and those cultural tendencies are still, well rather rampant, to be honest. I know many a great healthy and conscious man who will tell you how they feel which is a ‘phew’ sigh of relief, but many still bottle their emotions up, leaving us guessing and almost walking on eggshells.
I don’t want you to just ruin a good relationship, so let’s look at some ways to approach this, how to know when it’s time to drop the gauntlet, and some ways to find your voice.
Signs you’re being used
If he treats you like you’re in a relationship by texting all the time, hanging out with you and expecting you to stay over, you need to read on. If he avoids the topic of titles, there’s something going on there, and you don’t have to put up with it. If you don’t know if you’re exclusive, there’s a health threat there, and there’s just a total lack of respect.
Some guys profess to be super nice and even think they are, but their ego likes attention from many girls, and so they don’t commit so they can gather the energy from those poor souls hopping the guy will need them and make them his queen. The truth is; if he can’t man up and show you the respect you deserve, you shouldn’t even call him back.
Men get away with this behavior far too often, and we women have to cut them off, promptly. If he calls you pet names that are kind of demeaning, he probably views you as an object and not an equal. Examples of these names are “toots, pretty, baby girl, sexy thing.”
Do you see how he’s viewing you as a pet or object with replacing your name with a term that makes you a disempowered object? Pay attention to that.
If he keeps throwing out that “one day at a time, live in the moment” comment, and it’s been a long time, you might be with a guy who is afraid of commitment and not willing to plan. A lot of times those type of guys don’t change and they are always out for the next best thing.
You can be sure you’re being used if he crashes at your house late, but never goes out of his way for you. You can be sure you’re being used if he doesn’t make conversation with you in the morning or only returns your calls and texts when he feels like it. If you’re finding yourself wondering where he is a lot, this guy is using you, my dear, and you need to let him go.
Now, maybe you’ve been in a relationship for a while and you’re technically his girlfriend, but it’s been forever and he won’t even touch the topic of matrimony. Is he clammed up so tight about the subject that it feels like a foreign mystical subject of legendary rumor? Well then, it seems you might need to tell him “let me know or let me go.”
Even if he’s just choosing not to think about it, at some point you will need to decide if that is what you want or if your life is wishing to go in another direction. Read on to learn how to approach it and see if he may need therapy or to talk about something you might not be aware of.
Maybe he doesn’t believe in marriage
It’s totally ok to ask him if he sees himself marrying you and if he even believes in marriage at all. I have met people who don’t believe in the concept of marriage, and it’s important to communicate with your partner about their goals. If he’s unwilling to talk about it, then that’s just uncalled for and disrespectful.
If he wants to be with you and doesn’t want to get married, it doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship needs to end. He may just not like the social contract and still love you to the moon and back. What does a paper signed off by someone else really change anyway? Sure, there’s the tax thing, but today there are many progressives who rather live their lives without the approval of the state.
He can still make a great partner, so just ask him how he feels about marriage and let him explain his stance and how he feels about where your relationship is headed before you make a decision. Maybe he saw a lot of failed marriages growing up and thinks that is not what true love is.
Maybe he doesn’t believe in monogamy
There are some insensitive men out there that believe they can do whatever they want and don’t care about how the woman feels. These cowboys often attract women because they have a charming demeanor and make women swoon, but don’t fall for it, unless that’s what you want. Talk to him about if you are exclusive or not so you know. If he won’t talk to you about it, he doesn’t deserve you.
Is he not willing to talk?
You should give him the opportunity to talk because there might be something you don’t know. Before you let him go, you want to give him a chance to explain his behavior. Maybe there is a legitimate reason he hasn’t wanted to tie the knot or commit to dating status. But if he’s not willing to talk at all, then you can conclude that he is emotionally closed off and move on!
Ask him if it’s you
Sometimes men are unwilling to commit because there is something about our behavior that they are unsure about. It’s important to ask them if there is something that you are doing that is bothering them and keeping them from wanting a relationship. Sometimes it’s hard to see how we are behaving from an outsider’s perspective, and he might be very hesitant because we have some work to do on ourselves.
You really don’t want to throw a good guy away if there is something you can change in yourself that will only come up again in your next relationship, so ask him to show his cards, and be willing to take some constructive criticism. This will require you to not be defensive and be humble, which you will need to prepare yourself for mentally.
Be ready to take a blow to your ego, and then wait until you cool down, think about if there is validity to what he said, and then respond once you have given it considerable thought. Sometimes our temper, our ego, our negativity or our tendency to have too much alcohol and get whiny can really keep a guy at a distance, so get real with yourself and see if you can improve.
Remember, just because you have an area to improve upon, doesn’t mean you don’t deserve respect, you can change if you really commit to personal development.
Is he waiting for something?
Many men wait to pop the question until they feel like they’ve reached a certain point in their career or saved a good amount of money. Who knows what ideas he has in his head about marriage and timing, so just ask him. You don’t have to tiptoe around the subject; this is your life we are talking about here.
Will therapy help?
There’s nothing wrong with suggesting couples therapy, and it can really save your relationship. You can also go to therapy separately. If he has intimacy issues, this can really help, and you don’t want to throw away a good relationship if you’re really in love with him and therapy could resolve this block.
Depending on what he experienced growing up, he may not realize how it’s affecting his behavior now and you may also realize how your behaviors are contributing to this as well.
Kindly approach the subject
Remember, when you’re going to ask him to let you know or let you go, you don’t know what he’s going to say, so approach the subject with kindness and in a non-aggressive way.
Be direct in the way you speak!
It’s important that you’re not vague and you get a clear answer from him. This is not a conversation to have via text. Talk in person and don’t let him dodge the subject. If he’s not willing to listen, he’s not worth your time. If he can’t man up and have an adult conversation, then he’s immature and you should drop the gauntlet.
It doesn’t matter if he’s cuter than a polo model, you won’t be happy with a guy who has the maturity of an 18 year old guy. And many guys, even in their 50’s or 60’s can still have that mentality, believe it or not. Judge by actions, not by words or age.
Know your worth
How can you muster up the courage to tell him let me know or let me go? You have to know your worth. If you see yourself as unworthy, you will continue to attract men who use you or don’t respect you. Write down your positive traits and how you must be treated no matter what, and don’t accept anything less.
Women of inspiration
Find some strong women to look up to that speak up for themselves. Even if the women in your family aren’t that strong and your friends aren’t that strong, you can find a mentor or role model that doesn’t let men walk all over her. There are many women that stand their ground, say exactly how they feel and don’t get walked over.
If you feel like a doormat, you’re going to have to address these issues and find your voice or you will keep attracting men that don’t value you. The second you see a man undermining you, tell him that doesn’t fly, and if he does it again, kick him to the curb.
We are a part of something bigger than ourselves ladies, we are overcoming oppression and there are many chauvinist men out there, so don’t be blind and act like they don’t exist! Stick up for yourself.
There is more fish in the big blue ocean
Don’t become depressed over this, that guy isn’t worth your heartache. If he wasn’t treating you right and you get out of the relationship, you just dodged a bullet! Now focus on the future where there are kind men awaiting your entrance into their lives. Make a list of your standards and don’t be so excited by someone’s looks that you lower your standards. I think you know what I mean.
My time is valuable
Remember, you are naturally beautiful, no matter if you’re skinny or curvy. We are a valuable person because we are a good person, not because we are measuring up to mainstream society’s standards of the Barbie image. That is an illusion as is the picket fence, dog and minivan lifestyle.
Don’t be mainstream about your life and think your happiness will come from a rich man who falls in love with your stunning looks, or you will attract an imbecile who is not in touch with his emotions. That’s right; I’m keeping it real, ladies. Light that fire!
We would love for you to share your life changing moments of letting him know or letting him go below, and share this article with the women in your life, so we can all be empowered through YouQueen.