Breaking up is one of the hardest things you’ll ever have to do in your life. There are so many worries and fears when you’re in a relationship, but even more when you’re leaving one. Your mind is full of doubt and you wonder if you’re making the right decision, if this relationship is “the one” and you’re throwing it away, if you’re over-exaggerating, and if you’ll ever find love again.
Every time a relationship of mine has ended, all of these questions have rung through my mind. I wondered if that would be the last man I ever kissed, if I’m doomed to be alone, if I’m being too picky…everything you’re probably wondering, too.
While I can’t tell you if your relationship is going to last forever, I can tell you that love is not enough to keep it going. There are times when you will need to let him go. Here are some of those times.
1. When you have different life plans
Rarely do relationships last when two people have massively different life plans. If you want to settle down and have ten kids, and he wants to travel the world as a missionary, living like a nomad, then you’re probably going to want to reconsider this relationship. Life plans are a very big deal, and it’s important to be with someone who wants the same things as you.
2. When you have different ambitions
If you’re an ambitious person and have a lot of drive and self-motivation, but your man is not ambitious and has no motivation to move forward in his job or life, then this will pose a lot of problems later. I spent years with a man who did not want to work. In fact, he didn’t work, I worked.
I thought he would change, since he was always saying he wished he could find a job, but the truth is, he wasn’t really looking. I lost respect for him and the relationship fell apart. I loved him more than I can say, but this time it wasn’t enough.
3. When the attraction isn’t there
No matter how much you love someone, if you’re not physically or sexually attracted to that person, then the relationship isn’t going to work. One of my biggest problems in finding a relationship is that I have not recently met a man I want to get naked with.
You see, regardless of what people say, sex is a very big deal! If you love someone, but you just don’t desire them, then your love will not be enough. It’s not fair to either of you to stay in a sexless commitment, or a relationship with unsatisfactory relations.
4. When there’s too much baggage
Everybody has baggage. We all have a past, and sometimes, that past really isn’t very pretty. However, there are times when there’s too much baggage and we cannot handle the other person’s inner demons. It’s not that you want to “fix” your lover; it’s just that the issues are embedded so deep, it genuinely puts a strain on your relationship.
I know a guy who was injured pretty badly and is still recovering from it. He asked me out, but it was hard for me to get past his constant talk about how much his injury changed his life. Yes, your past will have an effect on you, and it’s hard to get over things, but it can’t be the only thing you obsess over.
You have to move beyond your past and look towards the future. A person who dwells on their past and their baggage usually makes it hard to move forward in a relationship or in life.
5. When he’s hurt you too many times
Whether it’s physically or emotionally, you know when you’ve had enough. No amount of love in the world can keep a relationship together when there’s too much hurt involved. Don’t play the martyr, get out of an abusive relationship and seek help. If it’s not abusive, but he’s been a cheater or a liar, then the hurt is still there and it’s still real. You deserve better.
6. When you’ve outgrown him
Have you ever been with someone and matured faster than he did? It’s awkward, isn’t it? Sadly, it’s also a relationship breaker. If you’re a grown woman keeping her responsibilities and he’s still acting like a frat boy, then I’d say love isn’t enough to keep this together. Couples should grow together, not apart.
7. When you need more from him
Have you and your guy been dating for a long time? Are you ready for marriage, but he’s still commitment shy? If this is you, and you need more from him than he’s willing to give (now or anytime in the future), then it’s best to get out of the relationship and move on.
Maybe he’ll change his mind after losing you, or maybe he won’t. Either way, you’re better off alone than waiting for him to make up his mind. I say this from experience.
8. When there’s too much past
If you and your man have been through too much together, then sometimes love isn’t going to be enough to make your relationship work. Every now and then, I think of one of my ex’s, Matt. I loved him, and I know he loved me. We were together for three years and we just grew apart.
Sometimes I wonder if we got back together would it work, but too much happened between us and too much has happened since us. Love isn’t always enough to forget about the past, no matter how much you want to.
I am a firm believer in love, and I think you should always give a relationship one hundred percent so that you don’t look back later and regret it. However, giving one hundred percent doesn’t mean you have to stay in a relationship that isn’t working.
Sometimes love is enough to build a strong foundation on, but there are times, such as the ones listed above, when love is not enough. What is your relationship like?
Ive been in a long distance realtionship for about 2 years it was all dandy and fine until one time when he came to see me he got a text from skype from a woman talking about i want you now!I saw it confronted him amd he did tell me that hes had sex on the phone with another woman.It all went downhill after that I became an angry person I lived accusing him of things like that . I asked him what his intentions were he couldnt give me an answer he is14 years older than me. I am 44 he is 57 or so In gave all my heart and emotions to him. I feel like such a fool. I left him for a week and he never came back I stooped to all time low and begged him back gave him my ne number and he hasnt even texted me or called me Ive grown to hate him.
Leave him and move on, find peace in being alone
Been dating my bf for almost 5yrs now, it still feels new in a sense that we still tip toe around each other emotionally. Very loving and family orientated guy but emotionally messed up. He’s never left home, still staying with his mom, his siblings left and lived their lives while he takes care of his mom who is very casuals of taking care of herself. He recently just bought his mother a house, mind you this is someone who hasn’t bought anything for himself, has worked the same job for years, takes the same route everyday, hides away from his friend and always has excuses not see them and spends every weekend at home in his room watching movies all day. Everything he does goes through the family first and I’ve noticed he never really stands up for me against them. To cut the story short in dealing with a man baby that doesn’t wana speak or deal with his issues, he’s very comfortable with where he is in life and had very little ambition. Now with this new commitment with his family and the house, I’ve asked him what his plan is for us, zero answer, instead he tells me how much he loves me and wants to provide but I honestly don’t see his I got into his life plan coz he’s doing that with his family already, am I wasting my time? The baggage is too much, no longer sexually attracted to him and instead I feel sorry for him because he sends such…
Been with this guy for 7yrs. We were so happy for the first two years, he was older and unemployed but I looked pasted it because he used to work so I expected that he wasn’t because of how hard it is where we’re from. So as I said we were happy, not saying am a saint I wasn’t ready to commit but he was ready, he lived his life. I was just out of high school and wanted to enjoy myself but he had other plans so he started to abuse me and I hid it from family and friends i was scared. Few months pasted and I got pregnant, I found out and I was over the moon but when I told him he became emotionless he just stared and left. I though he would be happy he always wanted a baby I wanted to go to college but he didn’t want to wait. I thought that the pregnancy would stop the abuse but no it only fueled it. The abuses were for “CHEATING, TALKING TO GUYS, NOT CLEANING HIS MESS” but when I got pregnant they were for “YELLING, COMPLAINING, ANSWERING HIS PHONE AND SMALL STUFF”… I couldn’t be upset are get upset I would get beaten pregnant !! but I stayed i know I sound crazy but I Loved him. When I had the baby I had to return to the hospital because of complications and he barely visited i though he didn’t want to see me in pain, he was at my friends house having their fun !! Even though I didn’t know till recently the thought still pains. 2 months from the hospital we got into a fight over money i saved, I had finally decided to fight back aarter 6 yrs and he beated me and busted my upper eye. I left and vowed not to return but he came back and after a mouth of begging i have in. Now here I am a year later almost blind in my left eye and I finally decided to give up !!