Relationships

The Ultimate Guide to What Men Want and How to Give It to Them

Men are simpler than you think. This ultimate guide will answer all your questions about what men want and help you understand men on a deeper level.

Entire books have been and will be written on the topic of “what men want” – there is no one definite answer to this age old question.

The reason for this article is that most books and articles on the subject of what men want were and are being written by WOMEN. She can be the biggest “expert” or have a PhD in Psychology and still, ANY dude on the street will give you more honest and useful advice on what MEN want than an “expert” woman ever could.

Why? – Because she does not have a penis. If she did, she would be a he.

Would you ask your plumber how to style your hair, or your hair stylist how to fix your car?

However brutal a man’s advice may be, at least it’s real. That’s why you’re here, because you want the truth about what men want, not some fairytale fantasy of what “expert relationship therapists” hope, wish and assume men want. You want to know what men actually want, not just in a woman or a relationship, but in life as well.

Take the guesswork out of the equation and get the facts from the horse’s mouth!

We’ve prepared for you the “Ultimate” guide to what men want – written by men.

Seriously. Mad. Men.

I am their “messenger.”

Before you read any further:

DISCLAIMER

This article might make you very, very angry, and if it does – great! That’s your subconscious mind telling you that I’m right. Deep down you already know what men want. You just can’t get to it because of all the negative social conditioning you’ve been brainwashed with by your girlfriends and society as a whole.

The Ultimate Guide to What Men Want and How to Give it to Them is here to help you improve your love life ASAP.

The sooner you realize that you are doing this (giving men what they want) for your own benefit, the sooner you’ll have a more fulfilling love life. You are actually doing yourself a “favor.”

DISCLAIMER PART 2

While reading, keep in mind that this article isn’t a moral story about whether what men want is GOOD or BAD… It is simply an honest, researched observation of what men want. We don’t judge, we just give you the answers to the question and suggest a “next action step.”

Nobody says you need to satisfy all of his wants or that his wants and desires are good, morally correct or right in any way.

These are simply observations and opinions of more than 50 men I've talked to. What you’ll do with this info is totally up to you. Just don’t start complaining and making generalizations such as “all men are the same” or “all men are pigs” – that would mean you have been with all men.

There’s something you need to understand first…

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First, understand that not all men are the same. And not all men are “pigs.” Most men have certain similar traits. We all desire sex and have a biological NEED (not just a want) to reproduce. We all want food, a place to sleep, and shelter. Those are basic human needs, not wants. A need is a necessity, something a man cannot control or repress completely. We are here for two reasons: to have sex (reproduction) and eat (survival).

At the base – life is simple. Since men have a constant need for food and sex (to spread the genes), this gives you a very clear and realistic view of what can satisfy a man’s needs (not simply wants) – good food and good sex, subconsciously, that’s something almost all men primarily need and want.

It's hard to make generalizations on what men want. Not all men cheat. Not all men want just sex in a relationship. Not all men love football or are afraid of commitment. Some younger guys want flings, but some younger guys also want a long-term relationship with a woman they really like.

The list below contains at least 100 different things men want in a woman, in a relationship, in bed, when dating, and in life. Also, it tells you a lot about what men don’t want. To understand men better you must unlearn what you’ve always believed to be true of men’s desires. You’ll learn to understand the reasons behind these wants. I’ll be brutally blunt and honest with you about this because that is the only way this can be helpful to you.

Quick Note: Keep in mind that the list below is not just my ‘humble’ opinion, it’s information I got after interviewing and talking to over 50 men in different age brackets, professions, lifestyles, countries etc. and asked them what they want in life, relationships, women, dating, and sex.

This article has 4 major sections to make it easier for you to digest. To understand men as a whole, you should read all 4 Parts. I gave my best to keep the sections separate, but they will occasionally “bleed” onto each other.

  • Part 1: what men want from women and in a relationship.
  • Part 2: what men want in bed
  • Part 3: what men want when dating
  • Part 4: what men want in life.

We’ll go from top to bottom, what men value in a woman and what qualities they’re looking for, then what they enjoy and want in a relationship and in bed, finally what men want while dating (a short guide to seducing him) and then what men generally want in life – this last part will help you understand men better on an emotional level.

If this article doesn't fully help you, then you must check out this amazing best-selling book by dating expert James Bauer. After reading it you will be prepared to completely change your man's life or to welcome new and amazing guy into your life that will be more than easy to decode. Thank me later!

What Men Want in a Woman and in a Relationship

1. Good Looks

Anyone who tells you that “it’s not all about looks” is… well, right. It’s not all about looks. BUT it’s a fact that looks count, a lot. Men are, in that sense, more visual than women. We get less visual with more beer though, but, eventually we sober up.

Boobs and booty attract men. Personality keeps them.

Looks are a way more significant factor for men than women. You can be with a guy that isn’t good looking at all, but he’s confident, successful, makes you feel great about yourself. That’s the type of guy you’d be with regardless of his not-so-good looks. You’ll definitely rather be with a guy that has an amazing personality and makes you feel beautiful than a guy that looks like a Greek God but is boring, dumb, or both.

Men, on the other hand, put a lot more significance into looks. When you look amazing, you can get away with more BS. You can nag, complain, be dumb, jealous, have PMS 365 days a year and most guys will still put up with it because your 34Ds and tight butt are worth it. Seriously, if you look stunning from top to bottom – you can get away with almost anything. Life is easier (in most cases).

The problem, on the other hand, is that if you want to attract a top-quality guy, your good looks alone won’t be worth squat! Why? Worthy men have choices and would rather find a psychologically attractive girlfriend than a physically attractive one.

Now, some men are more visual and sexual than other men. For some, sex and looks are a top-priority, for other men it’s less of a big deal and it’s more about how you make him feel.

Good looks don’t necessarily equal good sex. You can score a 10 in the looks department, but get a score 3 in bed – so your looks are just a “front” and you don’t “deliver” what men expect and want from your looks. Then your average grade just using these two variables (looks+sex) would be 6.5.

In that sense, looks really aren’t everything. It’s just your packaging. What really counts is what’s on the inside.

To conclude: good looks help and it’s a fact: all other things being equal a man would rather pick a better looking woman if he can choose. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s natural selection. You’d do the same so don’t complain like a hypocrite-victim and go join a gym instead. You’ll feel better about yourself and you’ll be more of what men want in a woman: Confident, sexy, and passionate.

Why men want good looks: good looks say something about you to him biologically. You are fit to bear children, or he can show you off to his friends, or your good looks make him feel confident about himself and his manhood. Social pressure and society might subconsciously force him to go after a good-looking woman. A man has a certain perception of “what beauty is” according to his culture and his “taste” in women. Some men prefer curvier women while others like anorexic chicks; some guys want a girl with a big booty, while other guys think a smaller butt is nicer. There’s someone for everyone out there. Find your match.

How to give it to him: join a gym; work out, eat healthy and take care of yourself. The “perfect” number is a 0.7 hip-to-waist ratio, that’s the hourglass figure. In today’s world, with the right exercise regimen and a good diet, anyone can look good. Men agree that there are no ugly women, only lazy one’s. 

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2. Sex

Men need and want great sex. Nothing new here.

In Part 2 (what men want in bed), we’ll cover that in detail.

In general, if you are top-notch in bed, AND you look good to him – then you’re almost set. When you have a 10 in the looks department and a 10 in the bedroom – you are a bombshell, so most men will tolerate you regardless of your personality.

Good looks and (great) sex are the two most basic things men want from a woman prior to being in a serious relationship. Once you are boyfriend and girlfriend, then these two wants become less significant (he gets used to your looks and sex can either get better as you are more comfortable with each other or worse and boring if you don’t keep things fresh).

Once you start dating… your behavior, personality, and what he gets out of the relationship (other than sex) start playing a major role to him.

Why men want good sex: it simply feels amazing. I guess there’s no explanation needed here. We need to spread the genes and bust a nut. It’s an urge, a biological need. God didn’t give us enough blood to have a functioning manhood and brain at the same time. That’s why we stop talking and can’t think straight when we see a smoking-hot woman pass by.

How to Give it to Him: Scroll down and read Part 2 of this post to learn what men want in bed.

3. Back to the Kitchen!

beutiful young woman in kitchen

Let’s get real here: the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach and his penis. Women are becoming more like men and men are becoming more like women. In the end, we both complain how it’s hard to find a ‘real’ man or woman. A lot of men feel under pressure… they feel like now they have to do everything: provide a living, stay in shape, take care of the kids, help around the house, be great in bed, be romantic, not throw socks around the house, walk the dogs, fix the car, change the lights. Phew! Is there an end? Oh, no, men should now cook as well. Thank you feminism!

From the 50+ guys I talked to, 80% eat out or cook their own food… and not many of them have a girlfriend that knows how to cook. Hell, most women in their 20s can’t even boil an egg. Even making a sandwich seems like rocket-science. Not to brag, but, I’m a better chef than all the women I’ve dated.

Okay, now that I’ve got that out of my system, enough with the rant.

Look, nobody expects you to be Jamie Oliver or win on Masterchef; but making a nice meal every now and then can really win your guy’s heart. We have a need, not want, to eat and then reproduce once we have enough energy for it. If you can cook him a nice meal – you're on board to stay!

The effort you put into learning how to cook is more important than the taste of the food you make. Men know you’re busy, but sometimes they’d rather have something nice waiting for them when they come home than hearing you complain how you have “nothing” to wear for tonight. Maybe you can stay at home and enjoy each other’s company instead of eating out. This may not be a top-priority want for most men; if you can’t, don’t have time to or don’t want to cook – no big deal. But does it help? You bet it does.

Why men want you to know how to cook: we all need to eat; it might as well taste delicious. It’s simple math: the newer generations lack cooking skills, if you have them, you are rare and there’s more demand for you. It’s not a deal-breaker if you can’t cook, but most men would want a woman that can, or is at least willing to prepare something from time to time. Don’t worry, the kitchen won’t kill you. Tell any guy you can cook well and you’ll see a spark in his eyes or a raised, skeptical eyebrow staring at you in disbelief. I guarantee you that. Try it next time you meet a new guy.

How to give it to him: Organize your time better, hit the market and jump into it. There is no excuse for not knowing how to cook. Just YouTube it. You might end up enjoying it as well. Back to the kitchen! Go make me a sandwich ;)

4. A Woman

Men want a…. ***drumrolls please*** … a woman!

Since I’ve already “touched” feminism, let me finish the rant. Men want a woman. A real woman.

A sexy, confident woman that doesn’t need to be a construction worker or a truck driver to prove her “equal abilities.” Some women are just plain hypocrites that have been hurt by some jerk and now hate ALL men as a race. “Us vs. them” and all that BS.

No man wants to be in a relationship with a woman who will be his opponent, enemy, rival. Make love, not war. Stop competing. You’re better in some departments and men are better in other departments. Okay, okay, you are better in most departments :)

The reality is that most western guys are FED UP with princesses that bash on men as if men are the causes of all of their problems. You cause and solve your own problems in life and if you’re a grownup then you should handle your stuff yourself and stop being a victim. Grow… up. If you don’t take full responsibility for your life you will always have excuses to blame someone else and you’ll never solve anything.

Then you wonder why Western men are going crazy after feminine women from South America, Eastern Europe, Asia, and generally cultures were women were raised to be sexy, sweet, feminine, and take care of their man, be his partner and help him succeed.

Men want you to embrace your femininity. Be who you are: a woman.

Men often complain about this. Women getting fat as soon as they get married, they stop giving a damn about him and then wonder why he’s such an “a-hole” to cheat on her. “How could he?!” I wonder why he didn’t sooner, girl. Don’t take him or your position for granted.

Men want a real woman that’s confident enough to be who she is. They want a woman that desires to please her man and be his companion, partner, friend, lover.

“You be the wind in his back, not the spit in his face.” to quote Gloria (Sophia Vergara) from the Modern Family TV series. She’s the type of woman most men want.

Why men want a real woman: because they’re straight.

How to Give it to Him: Get real. Get feminine. Get pumps, high heels, and lingerie. 

5. Seduction

female mouth

Men want to be seduced by a woman. We have fantasies too. The problem is that, often, once you start dating you often take each other for granted and stop seducing each other. You put less effort into bringing out the best out of your partner. Both men and women are guilty of this laziness – but we love to complain how it’s the other person’s fault and we love to victimize ourselves.

Men don’t admit this, but they continually want to be seduced. Just like women do. Every day, again, and again. It’s something, a need or a want that simply never ends. We all want to feel desired. It’s a natural emotion.

In this initial “mating phase” of your relationship with a man, you are both (or one side is trying more than the other) kind of seducing each other, flirting, texting, exchanging looks, touches, smiles, then kisses and more.

Over time the initial excitement changes into a different type of love and desire and then once you are a couple you stop giving the same type of romantic affection to your partner or think that “love” is something that doesn’t need to be expressed on a daily basis, but something that should simply be implied.

This is a major mistake couples make. Men are far more insecure than they’d like you to see.

Men hide weaknesses and try to be macho because that’s what is expected of them from society. Truth be told, we can be quite emotional – we just hide it better and express our emotions differently than women.

We do need constant praise and reassurance even though we might seem all strong and confident. A woman’s words can be like pure gold to us.

A nicely put, even strategic compliment can sometimes mean the world to your man. And getting a compliment is naturally always nicer and will get us to comply with your wishes way faster than nagging ever could. Some women have a bad strategy when it comes to getting what they want from men because they communicate in a tone or a way that men don’t understand, like a different language. You need to get on the same page with him.

Either way, the point is that you should never stop seducing him. Flirting, complimenting, praise, and boosting his big ego should be “on the menu” throughout your relationship.

Telling him how he’s amazing, how he turns you on, how you love this and that about him, how he’s the best, his penis is the biggest thing you’ve ever seen in your life! All of this makes a man feel confident about himself, boosts his ego and makes him feel more of a man ~ thanks to you.

Men want to be your hero. You’re not the only one fed with fairytales as a kid. You’re looking for your Prince and he’s looking for his Queen, believe it or not – he wants to sweep you off your feet – he just often doesn't really know how. You have to give him the right motivation and space for it.

Seducing a man never really ends. Feeling admired, loved, respected, appreciated. In that sense, men and women are the same. And the process starts with giving. Never stop seducing him with your voice, words, acts of kindness, compliments, flirty texts, and simply making him feel more of a man.

Why men want to be seduced: We all want to feel desired, needed, loved, appreciated, and sexy.

How to give it to him: Keep reading to find out.

6. Respect

Men want to feel respected in a relationship.

You should respect him, his time, effort, energy, and money. Respecting each other is the basis of a strong relationship.

Of course, it happens in every relationship: you do something disrespectful out of fear, anger or jealousy – but that’s okay. We all do something stupid when we lose control in the heat of an argument. We say things we later regret and we keep hurting each other instead of knowing when to shut up and forgive.

It happens to the best of us.

The kind of respect men want in a relationship is valuing his efforts. People have a natural tendency to value their own time, money and energy more than anyone else’s.

You can see this in the business world every day. Let’s say you work on a certain project for 2 hours. To you it will seem like at least 5 hours and to someone else (possibly your boss) it will seem like you didn’t even work 20 minutes! We tend to over-emphasize our own efforts and undermine someone else’s.

This habit can be destructive to your relationship. If you don’t show respect and appreciation for your partner’s efforts then how do you expect to get more of it in the future?

Raising your voice at him, screaming, shouting, especially in front of other people is a common mistake and doesn’t really solve an issue.

Positive reinforcement and a sweet voice can get you there a lot faster – all the while making your man feel respected by you.

There’s always a smarter way to it, you can always find a way to make your man feel it was HIS idea to things your way.

There are many types of respect you can give your man in a relationship. One would be respecting him privately, between the two of you. The other, crucial one, would be respecting your man in front of other people.

Naturally, men want a woman that will empower him on his journey. Someone that will lift him up, give him a massage, make him feel amazing after a long, hard day of work; someone that will make his life easier, not harder.

That’s the type of woman men want. This implies that you want your man to succeed – and you will do anything you can to make his road to success easier – Because you love him and because his success is your success, directly or indirectly.

You cannot expect him to respect you if you don’t respect him in the first place. The reason I’m mentioning this (that you need to want him to succeed) is that in this case you will do everything in your power to guard your man’s reputation in society.

He needs connections, networking, the right doors to open – by respecting him in front of others you create an aura of power around him and he seems more of a REAL MAN that can “handle” his relationship with a woman.

Imagine you're having dinner with people who are important to him. And there you go again, nagging, arguing with him, making faces, and bringing your personal things to public – you’ll make both of you look like idiots.

Instead, showing (a bit) of affection and love to him in public, listening to him while he's talking etc. will lift him up in the eyes of others.

You are your man’s PR. Protect him and his time from idiots; promote him to the right people, broadcast his mission and purpose when and where it counts.

Think where he doesn’t, but trust him even when he makes a mistake. The belief and support of a woman he loves are incredibly important to every man’s success.

Never argue in public or raise your voice at him. You need to be in control of your emotions – even if he says something that truly hurts you – keep it to yourself until you are alone.

Evading a pointless argument in public can seem hard, but it’s not. Just swallow your pride from time to time and simply decide not to talk back.

You have to change your “arguing strategy” to something that will benefit you. Using my “don't talk back” approach will lead him to feel more regretful and more ashamed for how he acted, and will stop him from doing so again in the future.

As soon as he cools down he will feel A LOT worse than he would have felt if you talked back and argued, thus, decreasing his power in society. He will feel like an a-hole and treat you like a Goddess to get your forgiveness for losing his temper.

Another area of respect is of course loyalty, fidelity. If you are in a monogamous relationship, fidelity is something most men want from you and that’s often what you want from your man, too.

When there is no respect, there is no trust, and when there’s no trust, there’s no fidelity.

The bottom line is, men want to be and feel respected by you.

Why men want respect: Because it makes them feel manly, powerful, worthy and strong.

How to give it to him: Show your appreciation by giving him love and helping him win in the game of life.

7. Trust

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Being able to rely on each other is the core of every healthy relationship.

If you can’t trust each other’s word or each other’s behavior, conflicts will arise constantly.

It would lead to jealousy, fear, hatred, and other toxic emotions for your life and relationship.

Men want a woman they can trust. We all have insecurities, and sometimes even if you don’t give your man any ( for you at least ) reason not to trust you, he may still be insecure, possessive and jealous.

You can work on those emotions and help him overcome them with praise, compliments, boosting his ego and confidence, good sex, affection, attention and love. Once a man is sure of your love and you give him no reason to distrust you, your relationship becomes a lot easier.

This is why you should distance yourself from your relationship in some part by having other priorities in life, an aim, passion, friends, something else that fuels you and makes you happy so you are not completely dependent on your man for happiness.

If you are too dependent on your man, or he’s too dependent on you for his happiness – then automatically – fear enters your relationship – you keep all your eggs in one basket and this makes you afraid of breaking the eggs. You become jealous, afraid, distrustful, your brain starts imagining all sorts of bad things for no real reason and this starts killing you… softly from the inside, and manifests itself through your actions.

Developing trust in a relationship should be your main goal if you want it to last.

On the other hand, you know that sometimes, you don’t really want to hear the truth. Why ask him “Did you cheat on me?” if you don’t want to know the answer? Are you ready for the truth? Do you really want to know?

Even asking him this question shows that you don’t trust him. The same goes for other questions like… “Where were you, why, who was there, any girls? Your ex?!”

Men are like birds, if you try to keep them in a cage – they’ll want to break out and they’ll feel like they’re suffocating – but if you let them go and fly free, they’ll keep coming back “home” to you.

In the end, isn’t that what matters most? I know this might sound counterintuitive to you… but the truth is that if a man knows that he has “space” to cheat on you, he probably won’t, but if he feels oppressed, controlled, and restricted – he won’t just have a larger desire to “break free” but he’ll also slowly develop hatred towards you because you make him seem like a loser, “whipped” dude in front of his friends.

Why he wants a woman he can trust and a woman that will trust him back: being able to trust someone means being relaxed and stress-free, it makes you calm, clears your brain and let’s you enjoy each other’s love.

How to give it to him: help him trust you by understanding and eliminating his insecurities. Flirting with other guys, or doing things to purposly make him jealous almost never works with men. As for you trusting him – give it a try, trust him, completely, and see how he’ll respect and value you more and work on keeping the trust you gave him.

8. Initiative

Men want a woman that can take initiative. I know, of course, a lot of men lack initiative themselves – READ THE DISCLAIMER AGAIN – this isn’t an argument of whether men or women are better, smarter, right or wrong, these are just observations of what men WANT in a woman and a relationship, take it or leave it.

Men would prefer a woman who is able to make her own choices and decisions and has a sense to start things instead of expecting her guy to do everything for her.

  • You: “Let’s go somewhere tonight…”
  • Guy: “Okay, where would you like to go…”
  • You: “I don’t know… anywhere… “ (now you expect him to come up with this awesome place or thing to do)
  • Guy: “Okay…” ( thinking: Damn, now I have to come up with something she’ll like… )

So now the guy comes up with something, let’s say a nice place with great barbecue, burgers, beer, and there’s football on TV in the bar.

  • You: Making a bored face, angry, or ice-cold…
  • Guy: “Honey, what is it? Everything okay?” (hint: He CAN NOT read your mind)
  • You: “Nothing… everything is okay…”
  • Guy: she said everything’s okay so everything’s probably okay…
  • Guy: calls bartender “Do you have ketchup?” and continues watching the game and eating away like a barbarian…

And you remain angry for the next 2 hours until you start arguing with him about something else, while the real reason of the argument is that he didn’t figure (read your mind) that you don’t like the place.

Then he’s sad he didn’t make you happy, and angry because you don’t open your mouth to say what’s bothering you. You then argue some more, have make-up sex later that night… and that’s it.

All of this would have been different if only:

  1. You suggested WHERE you would like to go instead of saying “anywhere”
  2. You said, “Honey, I don’t really like this place, could we please go to XYZ other place instead?” [He will happily comply, because men want to make you happy, believe it or not…]
  3. You simply didn’t care about the PLACE you are at and focused on being together with him and talked… “How are you honey, how was your day?” , “You had a hard day? Awww… baby, we’ll solve that when we get home, I have a surprise [sexy wink] for you ;)”
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So, next time, simply show some initiative. Suggest the place you like yourself. IF you can’t make up your mind about what you want, at least decide what you do not want to narrow down the chance of doing something you don’t like.

Don’t expect him to plan your life and make decisions if there’s a chance that he won’t do what you like. Say out loud how you feel and what you think instead of expecting him to read your mind. He’s not psychic.

You have to develop effective communication in your relationship. State clearly what you want, and ask him directly what he wants.

A woman that knows what she wants and is able to take initiative to create the change she wants to see in her relationship is sexy and easy to be with. If you want more romance in your relationship – be more romantic. Get wine, music, nicer decoration in your place, make a bubble bath, get candles, TELL HIM about this romantic place near the beach you’d like to spend time together.

If you want him to spend more time with you, instead of complaining, help him organize his day better, plan a date yourself, decide where you’d like to go or give him a hint to where you would like him to take you.

Why men want you to take initiative: because we’re tired of making all of the decisions and then failing miserably at pleasing you.

How to give it to him: go from a passive-victim (waiting for things to happen) role in your relationship into an active-action oriented role where you make things happen in life, and your relationship. Then watch your guy get happier than ever. Behavior like this will force him and you to explore the world and create new experiences and memories.

9. Confidence

This goes without saying. Naturally, men want a woman that is confident in herself, her beauty, her love and life. Insecurities can kill your relationship. Of course, we all have some sort of insecurity; men just don’t give too much importance to their own.

If you say “Does this dress make me look fat?” or “Am I fat?” etc. etc. questions like this make men go crazy because whatever he answers – you won’t care, you’ll convince yourself that he gave you “that look” and he thinks you’re fat even though you are gorgeous.

Stop the attention-seeking, needy behavior and stop looking for constant validation of your beauty. It’s irritating. Men want a woman that is confident in her looks, body and life. Start by loving yourself.

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I know all this Fashion TV and Hollywood stuff makes you insecure, it makes us all insecure. The easiest thing to do is to turn off the TV and stop comparing yourself with celebrities and other people.

Confidence is sexy. I know a lot of gorgeous looking women that are insanely insecure. That’s a total turn off. I also know “okay” looking women who can make men go INSANE by being sexy, confident, flirting, and simply knowing how to carry themselves.

I’m not saying you should be arrogant and fake confidence. That won’t work because sooner or later he’ll figure out that you’re just acting.

Confidence is something you must develop from the inside. The first step is learning how to accept and love yourself for who you are. Once you do that, you have a good base for developing your self-confidence further.

For women, that’s mostly a physical thing – like working out regularly which makes you feel better about yourself. This is a good way to kill two birds with one stone, you will feel AND look better, which in return helps you attract higher quality men.

The same way you don’t get turned on by an insecure, indecisive guy, the same way guys can’t stand women that act like attention-whores because of their insecurities. Stop looking for constant reassurance.

Instead of forcing your guy to tell you that you’re pretty by asking him “Am I pretty/fat etc.?” – simply hit the gym, work on your self-esteem and carry yourself with more sexual energy that’s attractive to men and you’re guy will compliment you by himself without you having to ask him for it indirectly.

A sincere compliment like that will make you way happier than a forced one.

Stop asking and start doing and believing in yourself. It’s not rocket science. Look into the mirror every morning and tell yourself you are beautiful with all the faith in the world.

Why men want you to be confident: confidence, in life, and especially in bed, is what makes a man orgasm. Insecurity, on the other hand, is annoying and drains out his energy. There’s a thin line between confidence and arrogance. Real confidence is silent, deep, strong, and does not have to be forced or showed off. It's just there.

How to give it to him: Have a goal, know who you are, discover what you want and where you are heading in life. Defining these things will show in the way you act and how you make people around you feel. Especially men. Confidence usually doesn’t come overnight; you have to build it through action.

10. Independence

Of course, men want independence (for themselves) – but we’ll talk more about “giving him space” later – what I’m aiming at here is that men want YOU to be independent.

You should be able to take care of yourself. You shouldn’t need him to be your “daddy” (except in bed).

For some men, it’s a turn on to “take care of you” and all that, but I doubt he needs another child to care for.

You need to be strong for yourself and believe in your own ability to survive in life. If you are dependent on him for your happiness, money, emotions etc. then you are too vulnerable, and you may end up becoming an energy-vampire instead of empowerment to his life.

Have your own friends, your passion, your own money, interests, hobbies, connections.

Always offer to pay when you just start dating. You don’t have to insist on paying, but always offer to. Men will appreciate this. They don’t want a woman who doesn’t at least act like she’s going for her wallet. Gold diggers are not attractive (except maybe physically). If he never lets you pay for anything because he wants to “be the man” then repay him in other ways (sex does not count), get him something you know he likes or needs, find other ways to show you care. It could be little things, life is in the details.

Back to your independence – complement each other instead of becoming co-dependent.

This way you, him, and your relationship become stronger. When you are independent, you are stronger. Have your power and freedom so you can always leave if things don’t go the way you’d like them to.

Men may want power in life, and power over a woman (be deeply desired by a woman), but they don’t necessarily want to carry you on their back. Think of it this way – you want to be his asset, not his liability. View your relationship as a business. You have to work on it and build it to make it last.

A man wants a woman he can show off – and not merely because of her good looks but her knowledge, connections, passion, habits. In that sense, men and women are the same. You want a guy you can be proud of and even brag about to your (jealous) girlfriends. Give him something to brag about!

Only when you are independent – you are free, which means you are also able to set him free, of yourself, and, eventually, that’s what keeps him wanting to be with you more. When a man knows that you don’t necessarily need him, that’s when he wants you.

Independence is important because you come from a mentality of love and abundance instead of fear and scarcity.

When you are independent then you have a man’s respect and the right to your own choices and opinions because he is not needed in your life. You are able to live without him. This is what will make a man court you and want to please you back because he knows that you are with him because of your choice and not because you must.

Why men want you to be independent financially and emotionally: dealing with our own life and problems can be hard as it is, we can use all the help we can get, so it’s your duty to empower instead of depower.

How to give to him: Don’t give it to him. Give it to yourself.

11. Flexibility

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Okay, except for the obvious flexibility in bed, men also want you to be flexible in life, and in your relationship.

Men want a woman that can and is willing to adapt to his needs, lifestyle, wants… a woman who is agreeable. If you disagree with everything, want to change him and mold him into something he’s not, then it’s hard to imagine your relationship will last.

You are his “muse,” the woman that makes him, takes him to the top, and inspires him. Of course, sometimes you need to be critical and point him to the right direction – sometimes you’ll be right, but, you’ll have to admit this – sometimes you’ll be wrong. Maybe he’s more risk prone than you are, and if he is – support him, believe in him, and be flexible in your thoughts and opinions, maybe even your lifestyle.

I mean, if you really like a man and want him to succeed – would you move to a new city with him? Would you support him to quit his job and start his own business?

Never say never.

Men can love a woman that’s flexible in some regards as in, you won’t go psycho if he’s late to pick you up – or you won’t complain if you have to sleep over in a tent.

This is basically your ability to relax in situations where getting angry, frustrated, nervous, moody is easy.

Men often complain that a woman’s reaction can be “hysterical” where a guy would just say “sh*t happens.” Basically, men complain that women make a big deal out of things that, in a guy’s mind at least, isn’t THAT big of a deal. When you are flexible and relaxed, then you’ll find a way to solve this “big” problem without throwing an atomic bomb of nervousness at him.

Breathe in… deeply. Count to 10 – and then try being pragmatic and practical and even flexible to solve whatever issue you might have in your relationship. Or have sex ;)

Women are far more focused on the details than men are. I really admire women’s ability to pay attention to details and in that sense; it’s far better to work with women than with men.

Men can be lazy, ignorant, jerks sometimes – but the way to solve this often isn’t going at it directly with a Bam! – Instead, show some flexibility, understanding, see how you can solve this and motivate him to do things your way more indirectly so his pride of being “bossed around” isn’t hurt.

Men can be stubborn as hell and you know that, if “a woman” tells us to go left, we’ll go right, if you tell us to go right we’ll go left just to prove a point and not have our big ego’s hurt. There’s a smarter way to get things your way… in the end.

Men want a woman that creates her life in a way so that her lack of flexibility doesn’t affect their relationship too much.

For example, let’s say you are a vegan and he’s a steak-lover. Now it’s hard for you to go out for dinner because you can’t eat ANYTHING on the menu! That’s super-frustrating for your guy no matter how much he loves you and respects your choices to save the world! How do you make this “work”? Well, first find some burger-joints that have vegan food available so you can both be happy, and take initiative (see #8) and be independent (see #10) in solving this instead of expecting him to solve it for you.

Don’t make his life harder because of your choices and try making his life easier by adapting to his choices.

To make your relationship last, find a guy that you are more compatible with so that “adapting” to each other isn’t that hard or necessary in the first place.

Find a man that has similar values, goals, passions in life like you do. If he’s a communist and you’re a capitalist, or vice versa, if he’s religious and you’re an atheist etc. etc. all of these things can separate you and make it harder for your relationship to last. Men want a relationship to “work” effortlessly just like you do. The only way to neutralize your differences and live with them is by one or both of you adapting to the other person’s needs.

Now don’t start with the “It’s my way or the highway” crap and how he’d better change for you if he “really loves you.” I know this may sound like “let the guy walk all over you” or “turn the other cheek” – but that's how life works: the process of receiving starts with giving.

Why men want you to be flexible: because it’s easier to move you around in bed and in life. You know how a navigation system in a car works – when it tells you to go left, and instead you keep going straight – and then the system suggests a new (best) route to get to your destination. That’s what men want – a woman whose navigation system has the ability to ADAPT to new circumstances and realities. Imagine the navigation system saying “You idiot! You’ve missed it! Go to hell. Power OFF”

How to give it to him: Relax, stretch, and meditate. Count to 10 and say, “I am the master of my faith. I am the captain of my soul.”

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12. Intelligence

Okay, this isn’t really something you can work on. Either you’re stupid or you’re not. But, this isn’t really just about your IQ or your EQ or your SQ (sex quotient) – it’s about following, falling behind or surpassing a man’s progress.

Of course some men want a stupid woman that looks good and doesn’t ask a lot of questions. She only needs to have double Ds and a tight butt and she’s “perfect.” Some guy’s say they don’t want an intelligent, educated woman because “if she’s educated, she has an opinion… and if she has an opinion, she talks back.” But let’s say that’s a small percentage of guys that want you to be dumb.

Most men want a woman they have something to talk about. If you don’t do anything in life and if you only know what happened in Big Brother – then not only he’ll have a problem having an actual discussion with you but he also won’t want to introduce you to his parents or friends (except if you look awesome). But as soon as you open your mouth… he’d rather you didn’t.

Good looks will get you a man, but what will keep him is your personality. Intelligence is sexy. He wants you to look at him and know what he thinks and feels instantly.

This is something that isn’t easy to develop, I think you either have it or you don’t – but if you can develop it, you do it by becoming more observant.

There’s an old Turkish proverb: “If speaking is silver, then listening is gold.”

If you are super ambitious and passionate about something (anything really!) and your man is a lazy douche, then your progress will just put him down and make him feel insecure.

Ditch that guy! He’ll only be a leach. You want someone who will make you grow, and that's the same thing intelligent men want in a woman. They want someone who is compatible with them in the sense of their vision in life.

It’s as simple as that. If one of you is pulling the other one back, then you should probably end that relationship – today.

Why (most) men want an intelligent, educated woman that’s passionate about (something in) life: Because intelligence is sexy, and pushing each other and progressing together means you create your life together.

It is hard to imagine a successful man who doesn't have a successful woman to support him. Either it was his mother, sister, girlfriend, lover, wife – whoever it was, he had the love and support of a woman that inspired him.

How to give it to him: Educate yourself. If you think you “know” then you don’t know. You need to keep your mind open to learning new things, improving yourself in any area of your life, creating something – art, business, make an NGO, create your own charity, learn a new language. It can be anything as long as it creates progress that will motivate a man to improve himself as well. A guy that isn’t happy about you progressing is a guy you should ditch ASAP.

13. Other Qualities Men Look for and Want in a Woman

Here’s a list of qualities men want in a woman; the type of woman most men would prefer to be with in a relationship. I won’t go into detail here because some of these things are self-explanatory. This list also includes the things I have already mentioned from #1 to #12.

Men want a woman that has a pleasing personality, a woman that puts his needs above her own, a woman that takes care of herself and him as well and wants him to succeed in his life's mission.

Men want a woman who makes them feel good and relaxed in a sense that he can be himself around her because she accepts him and loves him for who he is without wanting to change him.

Men want a woman they can show off and be proud of. Men want a woman that is sexually open to trying everything he desires and making his fantasy a reality. They want a woman who is willing to invest in their relationship without expecting something in return explicitly. Men want a woman that will forgive him when he makes a mistake – because we all make mistakes and because forgiving is Godlike and we all deserve a second chance – even you. Men also want a woman that is guilt-prone, admits when she makes a mistake and is ready to sincerely say sorry.

Men want a woman who will make him feel like he's the only guy in the world, that will make him feel powerful and confident about his manhood.

Men want a woman that will give him his freedom and trust him instead of being jealous.

A man wants a woman that will believe in him and stay by his side even when times get tough. That’s a sign of real love. It shows him that you love him for who he is and that you know that defeat is just temporary.

It’s easy to love someone when he’s at the top, shining, but will you be there when life gets rough? This is the type of woman that a man will always want to stay with and will care about.

Men want a woman who takes care of her body and wants to be beautiful for him.

Men want a woman that’s positive and has a good attitude, this empowers him and motivates him to keep going and be persistent.

He wants a woman that can inspire him to be the best man he could possibly be.

Men want to be with a woman that will respect his privacy, trust him and give him space to be alone, with friends, and trust him without trying to control him.

Only when you can let go of your fears and trust issues can your relationship blossom.

He wants a woman who, when he is with her, he can forget about everything else. He is 100% in the moment. He is able to escape his reality –– so that you become his only reality. You and him, against the world. If you can do that with a guy there’s no end to your love and progress. You are able to look deep into his eyes, smile, and know that you’ve find your soul mate. This is why it’s crucial that you find a guy that is compatible with you instead of trying to “make it” with men that are “good enough” or that simply don’t “fit” right with you. Of course, to attract the best – you have to BE the best yourself.

Men want to love and to be loved by a woman. They want a woman with whom they can enjoy the silence and be comfortable in the silence.

Men want a woman who will respect his guy time, and sometimes put up with his crap even when he’s not right. Men want a woman who will love him for who he is and bring out the best out of him.

14. What Men Want and Don’t Want in a Relationship

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Now that we’ve covered the basic qualities men want in a woman, let’s see what men want in a relationship. Or, more importantly, what men DON’T want in a relationship. When you ask a guy what he wants, almost always the topic turns into the negatives… guys start talking about what they do not want. Often just by NOT doing certain things men hate, you qualify for an A-mazing girlfriend. Truly, learning what not to do can often make a more significant difference to your relationship than knowing what you should do. Sometimes just getting to “neutral” is already awesome for your relationship.

Men want a relationship that is absent of games and power. You are not kids. You don’t need to go through power-struggles and decide “who’s boss” and who wears the pants in your relationship.

Men don’t want to be your enemy, but your partner, a companion, on the same path, instead of everyone pulling in his own direction and creating struggle and conflict.

To make a relationship with a man last, know when to be close and when to move away, know when to be with him all the time and when to give him his space to think, reflect, grow by himself and simply be alone or with other people. It’s good for both of you.

In a relationship men want freshness. Things can get stale and you get used to each other and nothing new is happening. Maybe you need a change in your environment, maybe in your relationship. Either way, things change and that is the only constant. That’s why your ability to adapt and be mobile is crucial to be able to keep pace with each other’s change and progress. You have to put some effort into making your relationship work – it can’t just “happen” you have to MAKE it happen. Expecting it to work passively just by itself is like letting it fall apart. If you’re not ready to invest some energy into making your relationship a success then you shouldn’t complain if things go bad. You reap what you saw.

In a relationship men want a surprise and something that will make the relationship evolve. You know each other well, but you can always surprise each other with little acts of kindness, love, and affection. Do something sweet that will make him happy. Agree to do something that’s important to him or makes him happy even though this isn't something you enjoy.

Women like this are the type of women men want to keep because they have a pleasing personality and they put their man’s interest in front of their own.

Think about the value you bring to the relationship. If you keep giving and get nothing back, then this guy isn’t worth it. Otherwise, start by giving and the results will follow.

He wants to be with a woman that is fascinated by him and feeds his ego with love, compliments, praise and amazing sex. Men want a woman that will laugh at his jokes.

Now let’s move on to what men don’t want in a relationship:

Men don’t want women that express jealousy, possessiveness, neediness or neurotic women that have constant PMS and are supremely moody (men can’t cope with that).

Men hate women that use sex as a weapon to control them. Men don’t want to be in a relationship with an “attention-whore” that’s insecure and constantly needs reassurance and validation from society and other men.

Men don’t want a relationship with a woman who is complaining all the time, a woman that can’t be pleased no matter how hard he tries. He doesn’t want a woman that keeps nagging all day long and sucks the LIFE out of his brain instead of his penis.

Men don’t want a relationship with a “Drama-queen” or a woman that will disrespect him in any way, especially not in front of other people. Men don’t want a woman that will alienate him from all of his friends and want him all just for herself and cut away power from his connections.

Most men don’t want to be in a relationship with a woman that calls him 50 times a day, checks on him, calls him when he’s at work just “to chat” about stuff without actually having something to say.

Men don’t want you to call him sweet nicknames in front of other people because that will make him look like he’s “whipped” (remember: guard his reputation with your life!).

Men don’t want to be in a relationship with a woman that will make a scene in public or a woman that talks about private matters to girlfriends. Men don’t want to date a woman that’s like a psycho chick accusing him of giving her “that look” as if she can read his mind.

Also, some guys are in a phase where they don’t want a relationship. And yes, many men are afraid of commitment (unless you’re all that he wants).

Then again, most men have no idea what they want and only know what they do not want. The good news is that you have the ability to change that.

Now that you’ve digested this quick rant… take a deep breathe, in… out… in… out. Think of yourself… on the beach, far away from everything, drinking your fresh, cold shake, refreshing you as you hear the waves… you take a deep breathe in and embrace the sun as you’re reading your favorite author’s new novel… everything becomes so distant as you let go of all your problems and worries. You look to your right, and a few empty sunbeds later a woman you don’t know is holding that book. Fifty Shades of Grey. You can see her crossing her legs back and forth nervously and you wonder… What’s all the hype about with this book? “Is that what men really want in bed?”

… and you’ve (safely) arrived to Part II of this post.

Find out…

What Do Men (Really) Want in Bed

You know men are more practical and pragmatic than women, so it’s hard to explain what men want in bed with feelings and gestures. I’m not a literary master so I’ll be blunt, ice-cold and direct with you – take it or leave it. Most men will vouch for this.

The reality is that what men want in bed is constantly changing, and you can probably blame the adult-film industry for this, inventing all sorts of “crazy” stuff most men didn’t even know they like or want. We see, we like, and we want to relive it.

There’s a reason why the adult-film industry strives even in times of crisis – because they keep selling what men are buying. And you can do the same.

Adult movies can kill a man’s sex drive to an extent and can decrease his performance in bed. It makes him compare you to the videos he sees – and there’s often a big discrepancy between reality and porn fiction.

We all compare. It’s like when you watch those beauties and supermodels on TV and then you feel uglier when you look into the mirror because you compare yourself to something less real, Photoshop, make-up, hairstylists and all that.

Often men are not aware that it can take 50 shots to make a scene that looks “perfect,” but there’s hard “work” hidden behind creating that image of perfection. Part of it is an illusion, but part of it is actually real in the sense that it does portray many things men truly want in bed. The problem is that the more he watches the less attractive you seem because he expects you to be the same or similar, either in looks or behavior – or both.

New desires can be and are created over time. Now… you can complain and victimize yourself and say how a lot of guys are going “insane” because of adult films – or – you can accept this new reality. (which is what I recommend) Embrace it and see how you can benefit your relationship from it and use this situation to your advantage. I assure you, there is a way to do that. (see #10, 11, and 12 above). The important thing is that you stop judging and start observing. Adapt and find a way to make things better for both yourself and your man.

On another note, 90% of people that read books like Fifty Shades of Grey are women, and the 10% of guys that read it, do so out of curiosity – most guys are NOT (that) into S&M, bondage and the like. Most guys have average sexual experiences and are blown away by a woman that’s above average in the bedroom and understands what he (really) wants sexually.

They love a woman that is willing to satisfy those wants. For most guys, that’s more than enough – so keep calm & read on to learn what men want in bed.

In bed, men value a lot of different things – there are some BASICS that the majority of men appreciate. I’ll list most things here and then you’ll need to observe your guy, try stuff out and see what works best for him.

Good looks and a tight body come first. If you are hot, and your body is tight, cellulite-free, you are light and easy to “move around” in bed effortlessly, then you won’t have (and shouldn’t have ) a hard time making him hard.

If you need to put in too much effort to getting him turned on then you’re either with the wrong guy (he simply isn’t that into you) or you have to put some serious effort into your bedroom skills and your looks. There are two options here. The first one is to find a guy that is already attracted to you the way you are now. Because you are his type. But what if he's not that attracted to you? The good news is that you can change that. You can become his “type” by discovering what turns him on and improving your looks.

Men are more visual so we put more value into how you look. If you look like an angel from heaven with the right curves, soft skin, a tight body, high heels, and you smell amazing wearing some lingerie that he can tear apart – then your “techniques” don’t matter as much and can be mediocre. How you “touch” his other senses (except his sight) have less impact on his overall sextisfaction.

He can just put you in the (right) position and “abuse” you and he’ll be happy.

Men don’t just want good looks in bed, there’s more to it. I know this is contradictory to the point above, BUT – it’s really not all about looks. You can look amazing and that’s a big plus IF you are also able to satisfy his other 4 senses.

lovely couple in water black and white

Men want a woman that knows how to make him FEEL great in bed, this is because it’s well known that a man’s orgasm happens in his MIND, not between his legs.

You can be Miss Universe, but if you don’t make him feel good, sooner or later he’ll get used to your looks. Once that happens, your looks become less significant in his overall sextisfaction.

Evidence for this is how men decide to be in a relationship with a less physically attractive woman, but a woman that knows how to push the “right buttons” for him psychologically, both in bed and outside of it.

A simple example is what men call a “dead cow” – or the “dead cow syndrome.” A “dead cow” is a woman that believes that her good looks and vagina alone are enough to satisfy a man in bed, so all she does is lie down on the bed and lift her legs up – then she expects the man to do everything, so she just lies there like a “dead cow.”

Just because you have a vagina doesn’t mean that’s enough to satisfy him.

Wake up to reality. As soon as a less attractive woman comes by that knows what he really wants in bed – you are dumped. That’s reality.

The hottest women in the world are almost never the best performers in bed.

Men joke that “fat women give better blow jobs – because they’re hungrier.” It is very common that the best looking women under-perform in bed. The problem is that men look at her and expect her to be a “bomb” in bed, but she ends up being mediocre because she doesn’t have anything other than good looks.

Are you a “dead cow?”

Men want a woman that will initiate sex, because they don’t want to feel like a dog always begging for food. It’s degrading. Remember that the key for a successful relationship and your man’s confidence is that he feels desired by you.

Men want a woman that is sexually liberated, open-minded and ready to try new things and discover better ways to please each other. Men want a woman that isn’t brainwashed by society on what’s “okay” and “not okay” to do in bed.

Typical narrow-minded behavior in bed of soon to be ex-girlfriends:

“What? Anal? Do you think I’m a sl*t? Why don’t we stick something up your butt?? How about that?!”

“What? You want me to put THAT THING in MY mouth?! Eeeew.”

Hello?

This is the 21st century calling, anyone there?

He wants a woman that will give him a blowjob every day of the week, not once a year on their anniversary.

A man wants a woman that wants to please him more than anything. He wants a woman who will make it her mission in life to satisfy him beyond his wildest dreams.

He wants a woman that gives blowjobs so powerful he’ll drop dead and go to heaven! He wants a woman who will keep things fresh and interesting and put effort into surprising him from time to time with new “moves,” lingerie, role-play, dirty talk.

In bed, men want a woman that’s confident in her own skin and is able to relax with him and be herself and explore her sexuality without social inhibitions or restrictions. He wants a woman that’s confident to have sex in broad daylight.

Men want a woman who is at least willing to try new things he desires.

The reality is that men will compare you to their ex girlfriends. If his ex swallowed (and he liked it), he’ll expect you to do the same. If she enjoyed anal (and he liked it), he’ll want the same from you. If she could deep-throat like a pro, again, he’d like to have that again. To keep him happy you’ll have to go beyond everything he’s experienced so far both physically and psychologically in bed and create new milestones that will be far away from what any other woman he may meet could ever give him.

You should see when guys open up to their friends and start talking (with passion and enthusiasm) how “that girl” did “that” amazing thing in “that” incredible way – and she loved doing it! She didn’t do it as if it was a “job” or a duty or something dirty. She didn’t do it for his but for her own pleasure.

Men want a woman that’s relaxed (not stiff) in bed and is flexible to get into all sorts of inventive positions. Men joke that a woman is either an “underpass” or an “overpass” in bed, if she’s relaxed and flexible enough to arch her back while in doggy (which is ridiculously hot), that’s an “underpass” and if she can’t relax and is stiff, then she’s an “overpass,” and that, of course, isn’t attractive to say the least.

A man wants a woman that he is able to satisfy and make happy in bed.

Men want a woman that is committed and driven to satisfy all of his sexual desires, and then some. Total devotion and submission to “serve” him.

Men also want a woman they’re compatible with in bed and who they can “click” with easily. This is why it’s important that you find a guy who is compatible with you physically.

Men want a woman that will look up at him while eagerly unzipping his pants and say “Honey, can I please give you a bj?” and later say “that was delicious, thank you ;)”

The bottom line is that men want you to be “a lady on the streets and a whore between the sheets.”

I won’t get into detail as to HOW you can give a man what he wants in bed because that could be an entire book. And there are amazing guides out there that will explain you that far better than I can.

Now, let’s be real here: getting a guy into bed is relatively easy. Especially if a guy is single. And if he’s not single, but thinks he can get away with cheating – he might. Especially after a few drinks when he starts thinking with his “other” part. This is a fact: Getting a guy into bed is easy – keeping him is the hard part. Even if you’re good in bed, that’s not all. Men rarely want to be in a relationship with a girl that they have slept with the same night they met, except if you’re way above his “league.”

You don’t make him feel special in any way by sleeping with him too soon. He’ll just think “Wow, cool… I’m the man!” He’ll pat himself on the back and think “NEXT!”

Don’t just be another notch under his belt.

If you like a guy, and you want more than just sex with him, then read Part III of this post:

What Men Want When Dating

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I know you may already be confused by this point, but bare with me. The truth is that men don’t know what they want while dating; they’re often as confused as you are, if not more.

They know they like you (if they invited you out on a date, coffee, the movies, or even just approached you, asked for your number, kept looking at you with an open mouth etc.), but they’re not sure WHAT they want from you or with you (other than: “Man, I’d tie her to the bed and… (I’ll leave the rest to your imagination)” ).

Men don’t want you to ask them “So where do you see us?” or anything like that, especially not BEFORE you slept with each other. Some women ask this on the first date. That’s a horrible thing to ask if you want to be with this guy.

Men cannot know what they want from you until you’ve slept together. Are you a good fit? Maybe you like this guy a lot but after having sex you figure you’re not that attracted to him anymore. The same goes for men.

Then again, what is “dating” anyway?

Anything before you can confidently say “I’m in a long-term relationship” is still considered “just dating” – you are seeing each other, but you still didn’t define or change your “Relationship Status” and you are both just testing the ground.

Then again “long-term” for someone who just got out of a 10 year relationship is NOT the same as “long-term” for someone who’s longest relationship was a month. Time is relative. Scratch that. Everything is relative. Don’t expect your “model” of conceptions to be the rule for men. Think from his perspective.

Now that we know that men often don’t know what they want, what we do know is that men almost always know what they DO NOT want.

When you ask a guy “What do you want in a woman?” or “in bed?” they’ll start with a few “I want a…” and then they’ll instantly start remembering all of those bad experiences they had before, flashbacks going through their mind of nasty experiences and they’ll start FIRING AWAY with frustration. I don’t want this, and that, and this and that, and HELL NO that other thing! Just getting to “neutral” is already amazing progress.

Another thing we know is that men may SAY they want X, but what they really want and what actually works (for keeping him) is Y. So let me translate this man-speak to you:

  • Joe: “Man, she is gorgeous”
  • Jack: “Amazing… “

… silence …

… click … clack … click … clack …

… Her Robocop ass moves from left, to right, in slow motion as her high heels fire away in quick movements turning off all other sounds in the busy office environment…

… Guys shaking their heads in disbelief…

  • Joe: “I would…” (starts saying sexually explicit, often the sickest stuff you can imagine and would never expect a “nice guy” like Joe to say)
  • Jack: “Yeah…” (keeps shaking his head in disbelief)

The reality is that Joe really would love to do all that stuff – and NONE of it contains “I’d love to marry her, be in a relationship with her” or “I want her to be the mother of my children.” That’s definitely not the first thing that crosses his mind, and it definitely won’t be – IF – you sleep with him too fast.

Now, he may THINK he wants to sleep with you ASAP, but that is not what a man really wants in dating. If you are someone he would consider “relationship material,” then sleeping with him early, or wanting to be with him (in a relationship) would only scare him off in the wrong direction.

Okay, now you know that a) men don’t know what they want, b) men may say they want something, but that’s not always true and they may not be aware of it (hint: look at his actions, not his words) and c) men often know what they do not want very clearly, and, last but not least, we know that d) men are sick bastards when they discuss women.

The basics are covered; you’re ready for more.

What do men want when dating?

1. Initiative

If you want something… go get it. It won’t fall into your lap. You can be approached by a lot of guys and you may have a lot of “prospects” and options – but what if the guy you like never notices you or never has the courage to “try” anything because he’s scared of rejection or thinks you are not interested in him (because you act stuck up and disinterested)?

Well then. You change…

Show some interest – so he knows he won’t get rejected and simply give him a sign that he might have a chance with a beauty like yourself.

While dating, men want a woman that will show at least some initiative. Some guys have a lot of pride (and that’s often guys who are worthy of your time) and simply don’t approach women because they also have choices.

Now, one of you will have to suck up his or her pride and take some initiative – otherwise nothing will ever happen, and then you’ll see him with some other woman and you’ll just… say… “Bitch.”

But at least you’ve got your ego in check, right? Eating popcorn, getting fatter by the minute and watching Oprah, home… alone. Happy now?

We’re not in the 50s anymore and it is OKAY for you to “take what you like” and be a bit more assertive when dating. You don’t have to rape him, but at least you can give him a look, or a compliment, or ANY sign so he knows that you are okay with it if he approaches you, asks for your number – whatever it is. Some men are more afraid of rejection than death. If you don’t have any initiative, you’ll only end up getting approached by drunk fools. The bottom line is that men find a healthy dose of initiative sexy. Show some or go home.

2. It’s not his fault

couple at sundown on the beach with car

When you just meet a new guy – leave your emotional baggage at home, or not even there – throw it in the trashcan where it belongs.

This new guy may be a sweetheart, charming guy and you’ll end up in a loving relationship with a football team of kids, your own and adopted, and that’s all nice – but it will never happen if you keep bringing up your ex, your feministic hatred towards “all men” as a group of enemies, cheaters, gangsters, douchebags, jerks and the rest of the gang of crap.

Move on and give a new guy a clean slate. That’s what men want when they just get to know you. It’s not his fault the other guy was an idiot.

3. Dating fears of men

Men are afraid that, you’ll drop the L-bomb on him too fast. He’s afraid you’ll expect commitment and want a relationship after having sex just a few times. Men are afraid to let go of their freedom. Men are scared as hell from things like this and the best thing to do… is to let HIM be the one to initiate all of these questions and concerns.

We are like boys. If you “use” us just for sex but YOU are the one that DOES NOT want commitment – suddenly we’re confused. What’s wrong with this girl? She doesn’t want commitment? She’s not blowing up my phone with calls, texts? And we like it, in a strange way.

What comes easily you don’t want and don’t value enough. That’s why it’s crucial that you are a challenge to men, at least a bit. If you try too hard to be with him, the guy will usually lose interest because you are not challenging him in any way.

What comes easy goes easy. Now, you may have slept together and he “has” you sexually, but the key here is that he doesn’t have you, yet, emotionally, and you don’t expect anything out of this relationship except (for now) just having fun and enjoying each other’s company. Nothing more, nothing less.

You are there, but you don’t bother him with heavy questions about the future. How many kids you’ll have and so on, after a month of meeting each other.

Stay a bit mysterious. Now he’s trying to figure you out, he’s wondering what do YOU want, not vice versa. That’s where you want him to be and that’s where he wants you too – he’s just not aware of it, yet.

If you give him space and you don’t rush anything and you continue with your life without pressuring him into a relationship, sooner or later he’ll be the one that will want commitment and a relationship. This makes the foundation of your relationship iron-strong, because he will feel like it was his wish to be with you – not that he was “forced” into a relationship.

4. Before you sleep with him…

Give him the “we could and should have sex” behavior, signs, and flirty looks. It's important that he sees that you are willing to have sex – and that it will happen, sooner or later.

When just dating and flirting, a man wants to FEEL that you truly are attracted to him. You like him. You want him. But you are not in a hurry. You will do “it,” but you don’t have to do it right NOW.

Think of it like this – we don’t value anything that’s for free. If you didn’t invest anything, you are not attached to an outcome. You don’t expect anything and you don’t feel a loss, or a commitment of any kind.

I know some guys would kill me for telling you this because I’m basically telling you how to manipulate a man into a relationship with you, but… don’t kill the messenger. To hell with it!

Make him invest time, energy, brain cells, make him put some effort into “conquering” you. Always give him a sign that you’re really interested in him (subtly) but “you have time.”

Sex will happen when it’s supposed to happen. Of course, don’t make him “wait” for a year, at least not actively teasing him and messing up his head with hot-and-cold behavior, and playing hard to get. You just shouldn’t be easy to get, but you shouldn’t be too hard either. Find the right balance before the “chase” becomes very tiring and backfires from lust to hatred on his side.

Think of dating as if it was a steak… raw is too little, well done is too much, medium is okay, but often still raw, and then… “medium-well,” is just… perfect.

And that’s what most men ask for when they order steak. They want it, but they don’t know they want it. It’s a stupid example, but you get the point.

Men don’t want to date a woman that all of their friends have slept with.

They don’t want you to show all your cards immediately. They want you to be a bit of a challenge and a bit mysterious, they want to work for you, but not too hard because sometimes they may feel like you’re not worth the effort.

Even after having sex, men are still not sure if they want a relationship with you or not. Your goal should be to wait and have fun until he becomes emotionally attached to you and until HE asks YOU “So what are we now?” Then you know you’ve got him.

For men this is really strange because usually women are the one’s that want a relationship head on and men just want to enjoy the ride and don’t think or want to think about “what are we?” and stuff like that. Patience is a virtue.

Men just want to enjoy it. If you are the one that does not want to be in a relationship and just wants to have sex and fun, sooner or later he’ll invest time, money, emotions, thoughts and energy into that “fun” – and then he’ll start developing all these feelings for you and he’ll want you just for himself so he’ll start with the “relationship talk” himself. He’ll tell all his friends about this “amazing girl” that isn’t bothering him with commitment and isn’t blowing up his phone, bothering him with BS, a girl he has stuff to talk about, plus she’s giving him orgasms so powerful that he’s seriously thinking about whether his life insurance covers if he dies during sex.

Try and see for yourself. Be supremely interested in him, but not interested in a relationship. This will be so strange to him that he’ll know you’re “the one” because this kind of behavior from women is rare, and therefore strange, yet extremely attractive.

When dating, men want a woman that is relaxed and who they can be themselves with. He wants to see the real you and like you for who you are, not for some imaginary person you portray yourself to be. So be real, be yourself – and if he doesn’t like you for who you are, then he’s not the right guy for you anyway.

I hope you now have a slightly better understanding of what men want in bed and when dating. It’s up to you what you’ll do with that knowledge. They say, “Knowledge is only potential power,” it’s worth nothing if you don’t put it to good use.

We’ve (finally) arrived to the last section, Part 4 of this post:

What Men Want in Life (And What You Can Do About It)

portrait of a good looking beautiful young man in costume outdoors

The reality is that most men have no idea what they really want in life. They’re clueless.

Rare are the people that know what they want and have a plan on how they’ll achieve it. Most people just let things happen to them in life instead of taking direction of their ship and sailing away to their chosen destination. We are on a road to discovery.

How can you discover what men (or a specific guy you’re interested in) wants and why it’s important that you know that? First, instead of listening to his words – stop and observe his actions for a second. Look at what he does. What he tries to accomplish. That’s what he really wants, if it wasn’t – he would have been doing something else.

The reason you should know what a guy wants in his life is because then you can find your place in that “plan” of his and see whether you are a good fit or not. It’s pointless for you to try changing his direction (if he has a strong goal already) if you simply don’t fit into his story. Of course, you can change a guy to a certain extent but don’t expect to turn a cat into a dog or vice versa.

As I said – most men just kind of know what they want or what they would like in life. We all want money, and freedom, and power and prestige, and health, wealth, love – but that’s just wishful thinking. If he’s not ACTIVELY working on fulfilling some of those wants, then he doesn’t really want them THAT bad. Does he want comfort and security, or is he ready to take risks? Does he think big or small? In this aspect it really doesn’t matter that he’s a guy, we’re all similar in this aspect. Men can be boys for a long, long time and his indecisiveness and insecurities (and your own as well) can destroy your relationship and success in life.

If you’re interested in a guy that has goals and a clear direction, a guy that knows what he wants and he’s on a path to get it – then ask yourself: Do I have similar goals?

Behind every successful man there is a woman that knows how to bring him to his peak performance and help him achieve his goals. Men are also motivated by love. We want to make you proud. So, if you like a guy that still didn’t discover his life’s purpose – maybe you could be the one that helps him discover it with your ideas, guidance, support, understanding and love.

And once he does discover what he truly wants and starts working toward achieving that, he’ll never forget you because he’ll know that you are the one that inspired him on his path and helped him make the first step.

Where do you fit in his story, and, more importantly – does he fit into your story, your wants, goals, and desires?

Are you compatible in that sense or not, if not, move on to someone who’s more like you. There’s someone for everyone out there.

Making it alone isn’t easy. Even the toughest men in the world need someone they can talk to, put their heart out and love… to love and be loved by the woman he wants is probably the ultimate desire of every man. You can be the one that inspires him and helps him discover his purpose and fulfill his potential. Men cannot do it without you.

Men love to be tough and act all macho, but deep down we are emotional, often vulnerable, we hate to admit it but we need a woman’s touch. We need your support, help, understanding and love. On the outside, men appear stronger, but the strength of a woman is beyond measure.

Men truly want to be your knight in shining armor, take down the stars for you and make you happy. The most beautiful thing in the world for a man is the smile and laughter of the woman he loves.

In the end, we’re all just after the same thing.

Each other.

office space that would be great meme

Cover photo: www.rodineysantiago.com

About the author

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Jason

Jason runs a construction company, but he enjoys sharing his experiences with the opposite sex by writing about relationships in his spare time. He spends his weekends kite surfing and running on the beach.

22 Comments

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  • Good job on telling women how to act and what to do. Now we know what kind of guys to stay away from ;)

  • Read this. Loved it. Tried one of the suggestions.
    Did not work. I swear I am the guy in this relationship.

  • Your article was great and very informative. I was dating which quickly turned into a relationship. But after tge relationship title it seemed lije he wanted less of relationship lije he thought he was ready but he is not. We broke up n after a month we are ts liking again. Im quiet ask no questions but we t not back together. We had sex twice and he has been real close cuddly n texting often. He also said he misses me even tho I might not believe him its true. Im not sure what to believe. I hav all the qualities u stated except I need more time in the gym forv the hour glass shape lol. I jus been letting him lead although he is the one the ended the relationship twice before because I questioned where the relationship was going. I gave him 2 choices he wants me or he dont n he chose end tge relationship. So y is he back?

    • Because you still having sex with him without any compromise on his part, what would he leave free sex?
      He told you he doesn’t want a relationship with you, don’t let him come back, get someone that wants a relationship with you!

    • He keeps coming back because you keep letting him back in plain and simple. You give him everything a girlfriend would give a man without the title or the commitment. This guy can say all the right things to get what he wants and then leaves when something better comes along. I know too many girls like you and in all honesty, it’s sad! If you read the article again and work on your own insecurities and focus on your own happiness, you would be strong enough to walk away from this guy and not let him use you anymore

  • Very informative and good. After reading this it seems like girl must be perfect to attract guy, that if you have some issues you are lame and never please him. Like all that girl must do in her life is to live for her bf… :DD

  • This was a very enlightening article..enjoyed it alot & I’m ready to put the knowledge into action. Thank you

  • This has been a manipulative article brought to you by a man trying to get women to give up the cookie (or a docile ignorant man with good intentions)
    This is so backwards, ask any girl who sleeps with a guy how easy it is to obtain monogamy afterwards, he just enjoys banging her until he gets bored – free sex for him, no relationship for her (even if she plays it “cool”).
    It’s simple…Patty Stinger says it on every show….NO SEX BEFORE MONOGAMY. It worked for our mothers, it will work much better for you than giving up what a man desires most, your body without an emotional connection first.
    Anyway, if you dont have an emotional connection BEFORE sex, you wont orgasm, what’s the point in having sex if YOU wont enjoy yourself. Being some man’s free prostitute isn’t something you were born to be. Have sex casually only if you care little for being loved but even those of you with bad childhoods, rejection, abandonment, abuse etc DESERVE LOVE. Yep it’s your birthright to experience companionship love and you wont get the full experience doing it any other way than I’ve suggested. There are exceptions (when the man actually wants a relationship or she’s above his league) but almost every other time, the woman who gives up sex easy loses out. Life isn’t Disney. Men were made this way for a reason. Blame the big guy above or make changes to your dating life. I will make it simple for you NO SEX BEFORE MONOGAMY.

  • Who freaking cares what men want? Why are women always trying to please a man? For centuries women have gone unfulfilled. What about what we want, need, and never get? Write that article.

  • I loved this article! I am pretty much to anything and a lot of the things mentioned in your article makes so much sense! And is a lot easier to deal with than I thought! I found out which key points I need to work on (obviously the ones that offended me, which to my surprise wasn’t many) It’s all common sense really. I have much to work on and thanks to this article, I know what to work on and where to start!

    Keep up the great work!

  • Blimey! Not that any of this is news to the majority of women, but seeing it all laid out is depressing at best. Men want a woman that will do everything for them, barring breathe, but don’t want to be controlled or emasculated-gotcha! Think I’m going to become a lesbian!

  • Every one of these points (except maybe change the first one to ‘attractiveness matters’) could also describe what women want in a man. Good for you, you’ve discovered how to be a good partner.

  • This is a long list. Lol. I think it shouldn’t be this way, though. It should be a ‘give and take’, so if men’s needs would be this much, then it’s okay, but they should stop complaining about women also having a lot of acceptable needs.

  • Basically what you saying is if i do not sleep with him…even after three months …i cannot ask what are we? Even when we did forplay,blowjob(swallowing) but not sex. It will never work. Anyway i am in the Army so it is challenging with all the traveling. I do not want to sleep with men everywhere i go.

  • LOVE this post! Directly on point and I love every word. I pride myself in being a feminist who knows my STRENGTHS…
    I am a woman and I use my God-given attributes to accentuate what I have. My husband LOVES it. Actually, I may be too much for him at times. We have such a great relationship. We are friends, lovers, partners in crime…
    Men are NOT the enemy. Women need to realize that feminism does not equal “hating men”. Women need to realize they are a product of their choices and not a victim of their circumstances. Isn’t that what REAL feminism is about? Owning it?!
    Thank you for this awesome article…

  • A beautifully and thoroughly written article, directly exposing the hearts of men!!
    Seems like a tall order, but how easy to do if you truly love your man. Selflessly. Wholly. Deeply. Passionately. And fully.
    It IS a lot of work but anything worth while never comes easy. The rewards though!! Countless AND endless.
    Thank you for writing this Jason. I loved and hung on every word. Every sentence resonated with my heart…..

  • “He wants to be with a woman that is fascinated by him and feeds his ego with love, compliments, praise and amazing sex. ”

    *intense vomiting*

    I would like to die now, thank you

  • Soooooo many contradictions in this article of what men want from a woman but if a woman wants it in return, its annoying and the woman needs to stop being that way/asking for the same in return. Just another prime example of men expecting things from women but aren’t willing to give the same to their woman in return or find it annoying in a woman.
    If you aren’t willing to give what u want in return, don’t expect it or ask for it from a woman. Period.

  • Did I just stumble back into the 50s? I feel slightly nauseous, and sadness for women who still want to meet the “requirements.” You never will, and I’m sorry for those of you who will go ahead and waste as much time as I did on a self-absorbed loser.

  • Hilarious article . I think any woman with a brain who read this has realised it all way too much work and she wouldn’t want this sort of guy anyway .
    Ong men are seriously a waste of oxygen if all this is true