He said that he doesn’t want to a relationship, but he hopes that you will be in each others’ lives for a long time. She said that she loves him, but she thinks that she said it too soon…. Do we really say what we mean? Do they really hear what we are saying? Are we even on the same page?
Remember those stupid English exercises that our teachers used to make us do, like diagramming sentences? Remember how we thought that it was so pointless, and we would never use it in the real world?
Well, you should go back and thank that teacher, because today we are going to be using some of that good ‘ole useless knowledge to decipher “he said, she said.”
Miscommunications
The guy you are just dying to become the next Mrs. Forever with said he does not want a relationship, but he is willing to see where this thing goes. How do you interpret that?
If you are like most women, you see it as he is insecure and afraid of being hurt, so he is throwing the clause out there: “No relationship, but I’m in.”
Is that what he REALLY said, though?
You can’t help but play detective, and delve into your investigation. You find yourself reading back through text messages and social media, looking for clues as to his true feelings.
You’re hoping that there is some coded message that only you can read. After all, you know that you are the one, but something just doesn’t add up.
Could it be that you are filling in the blanks for him? Adding in words and emotions that he didn’t quite clearly convey. We have a tendency to do that.
Even professional investigators do that in crimes that they are trying to solve. However, according to experts, people say what they mean, and mean what they say.
Hey, I’m not criticizing you! I’ve been there: looking over the words, seeing if we are on the same page, waiting for that White Wonderful Day that leads us down the aisle with Mr. Awesome Pants….
What is he really saying in his texts
Here is an excerpt from a personal text of mine. This Lusty Lover was my #1 squeeze—the one I put my life on hold for a year for, hoping that he was “The One.” Thinking a year had been a long enough time for him to decide, I put it to him bluntly!
Me: Okay, I want to know a few things. So suck it up, buttercup.
Loverboy: : ) scared to ask what you want to know!
Me: why would you be scared?
Loverboy: Was just joking baby!
Me: lol.. I thought you might finally confess you are afraid of me… What I want to know is, “Are you interested in me?”
Loverboy: No baby not scared! And yes interested!
Notice that not once did he use ANY personal reference to himself? Or to me?
Me: Are you afraid to love? (be loved and give love.. the hurt that could come from
it)
Loverboy: A little. Bit more just know what an undertaking and what is involved in trying to make things work. And already have so much going on i dont have that kind of availability without compromising other things I cant compromise like my kids right now. I don’t like to do anything half ass
Again, no use of personal pronouns until it gets to the heart of the matter.
Me: Are you insecure?
Loverboy: No more than anyone else and less than most. Do I appear insecure?
Me: Yes.
Loverboy: How so?
Me: From looking back over this last year, I think you hide behind your circumstances to protect yourself.
Loverboy: Maybe a little but circumstances are what they are and are a very legitimate issue and not just an excuse
Me: Yes, as are mine. But I am no longer going to live in fear. I know what I want. I am not afraid to go after it. But I am not going to waste my time either. As patterns of life and love go.
Loverboy: Time and life are way too short to waste!
Me: I agree. And part of learning to love and respect myself are to see what is real and what is not. I have turned down several potential interests because I hoped things would work out. I am going to accept that, regardless or what could have been, is.. nothing. I like you. I want to go out. I would love to blow your mind, however, I am not without reciprocation.
Loverboy: I fully understand and have never asked you to do otherwise baby
Personal references
Once again, there is very little reference to him personally. When we take the personal references out of the equations, what we are really trying to do is distance ourselves from the issues at hand.
These little words show that they are placing themselves in the conversation, but are not part of it. If you don’t see any personal references, you can bet he is just shooting from the hip, hoping to keep you strung along enough that you won’t leave him as his backup booty call.
The next time he texts you, look for those little words. Ask yourself, do his words contain personal pronouns like ‘I’ and ‘we?’ It’s those little words we often overlook and think nothing of in this day and age, but they are still crucial when it comes to conveying the meaning behind what we feel.
How he answers
Another big clue on whether or not he is being totally honest is in how he answers you. Does he answer questions with questions? This is a huge indication that he is lying to you, or trying to prepare the lie for the question you presented to him.
“Where were you last night?”
“What do you mean, ‘Where was I’?”
This is a textbook example of evading the question. Someone who has nothing to hide would just answer the question straight up.
“Where were you last night?”
“I was at Bobby’s baseball game.”
See how quick that was? When we have nothing to hide, our brains do not have to run interference for our conscience, coming up with a suitable answer. It’s self-preservation.
When you call them on something that seems like suspicious to you, do they give you that eye-rolling look that says, “Babe! Don’t be so stupid… sheesh!” If he does, you might want to reconsider that trip to Jamaica. Don’t waste your time with someone who is only biding theirs.
Want to practice on your own?
Go back through all of your text messages, those from your mom, BFFs and the man of your dreams: does the language structure read the same? Can you spot a lie? Want more info on the subject? Let us know what you discover.
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