Before I begin writing this, let me remind you that you’re human. Things are going to happen no matter how hard you try to prevent them.
For one thing, you’re going to be attracted to people. Even when you’re in a committed relationship you will find someone else attractive at some time in your life.
For another thing, you will make mistakes. We’re human. We do that.
Sometimes it’s a combination of these two things, which means you end up having an affair.
Whether you’re the one doing the cheating or you’re sleeping with a married man, there are a number of reasons it’s a good idea to end this. Affairs are a momentary fantasy, an escape from real life and its problems. But they never end well. No matter what happens, somebody will get hurt. Here’s what you need to do in order to get off that emotional merry-go-round. This is how to end an affair.
Make the Decision to End It
In order to end an affair, you must first make the decision to truly be through with it. Think of it like quitting smoking. You can’t half-ass your way through this. You have to really want to make it stop.
If you are feeling unsure, or if you’re not ready to let him go, then you won’t be able to end it. It’s that simple.
The first step in ending an affair is to make the decision one hundred percent to put an end to it. Do it for yourself. Do it without a doubt.
Figure Out Why You Were Having an Affair
In order to be confident in your ability to end an affair, you need to understand why you were having an affair in the first place.
Were you lonely? Was he the only available option?
Was it because you’re not getting enough emotional attention at home and you needed more affection?
Could it be that you’re afraid of commitment and an affair seemed like a safe alternative to settling down?
You have to know why you were having an affair if you want to resolve the problem and prevent another affair in the future.
Give Yourself a Break
Ending an affair is hard. If you’re like most women, you’ll make it harder than it has to be by judging yourself. We women can be our own worst enemies.
Instead of drowning in self-pity and destroying yourself over this very human event, try to go easy on yourself.
You’re human. That means you don’t always make the best decisions. It happens. You’re not the only person who ever went through this.
Try not to dwell on feeling guilty. Be gentle with yourself.
Make a Public Date
Telling your soon-to-be ex-partner that you are ending the affair can be tricky. Some people think it’s easier to break up by phone or text. Others think it’s better to do it by email. In my opinion, it’s best to do it in a public place.
Pick a restaurant and drive in separate cars. Meet him there. And do what you have to do.
There are many reasons this is the best bet.
First, being in public offers you some protection if your man’s reaction is anger. He can’t lash out at you in a restaurant without facing repercussions. So things are more likely to go smoothly.
Also, if you break up in a private place he might try to woo you back with soft kisses or kind words.
Don’t take the easy way out by breaking up via text or email. For one thing, you owe your partner, yourself and the relationship more respect than that. For another, written break-up messages can be seen by others – even, if your new ex is hurt or angry enough, by someone you have betrayed. You really don’t want that kind of incriminating evidence around at a time like this.
Do both of yourselves a favor and be honest about why you’re breaking up. Lying pulls you deeper and deeper into an ethical and emotional void.
If you’re ending it because an illicit affair isn’t enough for you anymore, then say that. If you’re ending it because you’ve fallen for him and one of you is married, then say that. Being honest leaves no room for confusion and it allows you both to move on with dignity.
It would be easier to tell him you’ve met somebody else, but don’t be tempted by this little lie. The only thing he’ll get from that is the idea that you’re the sort of woman who would throw him away and move on to the next lover at a whim. Why leave him with that bad impression?
Don’t Call Him
Sex is like a drug. When you’ve found a lover who knows exactly where and how to touch you, it’s hard to let go. After you end an affair you’re going to feel lonely and needy.
Don’t give in.
It will be tempting to call him. You’ll want to ask him to come over. It’s hard not to see him anymore. What’s the harm in hooking up one last time?
There’s plenty of harm. Don’t call. Trust me: If you succumb to your cravings you’ll have to go through the whole break-up process all over again. It’s hard enough doing it once.
Don’t Answer When He Calls
He’s going to call you after you have broken it off. He wants to see you one last time, or you left some things at his place that he wants to give you…there’s always an excuse to get together again.
The truth is, he probably doesn’t want to end things. Why would he? He had a good thing with you: all the sex he wanted without the trouble of a commitment.
If you pick up the phone, the first words from his lips will be “I miss you.” Then he’ll remind you of all the good times you shared and the amazing sex you had together. Next thing you know, your car keys will be in your hand.
Don’t fall for it. It’s a trap. If you don’t trust yourself not to pick up his call, block his number.
Allow Yourself Time to Heal
It’s tempting to jump from your breakup into the arms of a new lover. Don’t do it. It will just cause you more pain in the long run. You need time to grieve and heal before you can be with someone else.
This was, after all, a relationship. Sure, it wasn’t an “I love you” kind of thing. You weren’t even committed to the guy. But when you share your body with someone, you inevitably share a piece of your heart too. You have to give yourself time to heal before you jump into another relationship or else you’ll be doing your heart more damage.
Talk to Someone About It
Get things off your chest. Part of the healing process includes getting it all out so that you don’t suffer from lingering feelings of guilt and doubt. You don’t want to run the risk of feeling so bad that you jump right back into his arms, do you?
If you can, see a counselor. It’s one of the best things you can do.
Telling your best friend is an option too, but there could be consequences. If you and your bestie have a falling out, or if she falls for your current man and wants to take him away from you, you could find that your secret is not nearly as safe as you had thought.
Instead of relying on friends and family, go and see a counselor or a psychiatrist about the affair. Seeing a shrink doesn’t mean you’re crazy. Affairs are one of the most common reasons people see a psychiatrist. People need to feel secure that their secret is safe and they need to be able to be honest without being judged. It’s okay.
Decide What You Really Want
More often than not, people have affairs because there’s something lacking in their lives, particularly in their relationships. If you want to prevent yourself from having another affair in the future, you need to determine what you really want in a relationship.
Figure out what kind of man would truly make you happy. Decide what’s best for you. Until you figure this out, you’re going to keep having affairs.
If You Have a Partner, Confess
If you are cheating on your partner, it’s best to confess. It’s not easy, but it’s important.
Confessing isn’t always possible or wise. Sometimes we have to keep things hidden away, private forever. That’s okay too. You know your partner better than anyone and you know how he would react to this news. Don’t put yourself in danger.
But if you have strayed from a strong and loving relationship, you should confess so you can work through the problems you’re having. People don’t cheat when they’re happy. Figure out why you’ve been unhappy and work with your partner to fix the problem.
Get Over the Guilt
You need to move on and get over the guilt. Now.
There’s no reason to dwell on the past and to make yourself miserable over this.
Feel guilty for a little while (that’s part of the healing process) and then move on. Otherwise, you’re only going to drag yourself down.
Don’t Fall Back Into the Same Trap
It would be easy to get back together with your secret hookup, and it would be just as easy to find another lover as well.
Make sure you don’t fall back into the affair trap with somebody new. Work through your relationship problems and figure out your needs so you don’t do this to yourself again and again.
Build Up Your Self-Confidence
Many women have affairs because they have low self-confidence. An affair means that someone wants and desires you. It’s exhilarating to be with someone who craves you and finds you sexy.
That is why it’s imperative that you build up your self-confidence after an affair. You’ve got to know you’re sexy and desirable and interesting and fun – really know it, so you don’t need a new guy’s interest to convince you that you are worthwhile. Self-esteem is your best defense against cheating.
Getting out of an affair is never easy, but it’s incredibly important. Wouldn’t you rather be with a man who loves you the way that you deserve to be loved…completely, in a long-term committed relationship? Don’t you deserve that?
Of course you do.