If you had asked me when I was younger if I would make it to 25, I would have just shrugged. So much had happened in my life that I was literally living day to day. The thought of suicide often danced in my head.
I knew how I would go; I would make it look like an accident. I would run my arm over a knife while grabbing something, or lose control of my car while I was driving. My mind was filled with scenarios daily, but it had to be an accident.
No one could blame themselves because I never asked for help. My arms and legs are only covered in a few stretch marks and one long scar from a bad ‘accident’. To this day, I cannot say if I intentionally cut my arm with a box cutter while distracted by a power outage or not.
That was when I knew I had hit rock bottom. So, I started climbing. Here is how I started battling depression.
1. Move if you can
My employer asked if I wanted to transfer three hours away from my home town. I was reluctant at first but then jumped at the opportunity for a fresh start. No one would know me there. Nothing would remind me of why I had become so down and out. It seemed ideal!
If you decide to move, make sure you have a job offer or can find work easily. Even if it is a few blocks, it’s ok. You could try moving to a different work environment. It took me three months to save up enough to move, but it was a fresh start for me.
2. Embrace what makes you you
A part of my depression was how I faked being someone I wasn’t. When I moved, I decided I would be me—and by me, I mean an awkward, flappy-arm excitable adult.
Before, when someone teased me about how excited I get over little things, I thought that they did not like me, and I became more quiet and less likely to be noticed. Now, I do not care, and I feel like I have more friends because I don’t try to fit in anymore.
My stutters still get weird looks, but I shrug it off, and say that it is a part of me—find someone else to hang with if you don’t like it.
3. Figure out what initially got you down
This is important: to grow, you must know what made you depressed in the first place. For me, it was the passing of my mother, and the stress of being in charge of her estate, even though our relation was toxic while she was alive.
Every time I thought about her and how I had let her down, I felt worse and worse. I also lost a good friend to suicide, who had confessed to loving me and I could not return their feelings. I blamed myself for her death.
When I decided to move, I also decided to really evaluate why I was so depressed. I decided my mother could hate me, but I would love myself, and my friend had made the choice herself. She knew I was in a serious relationship when she told me she loved me, and I was as much of a friend to her as I could be.
Write down your feelings, and then think through them objectively. Maybe you can understand the situation if you view it like an outsider would.
4. Take it one day at a time
I used to take things one day at a time in the hopes that I wouldn’t kill myself that day. When I moved, I continued to take everything day-by-day, but I set little goals. I congratulated myself when I succeeded.
The goals were things like walking around a block, knocking on my neighbor’s door to say hello and arriving at work early. Some were easier, but it often took me three hours to decide that knocking on my neighbor’s door would not make them instantly hate me.
I decided to try and hang out with people, and if I thought I was bothering them, I would not shut up and drift into myself again. If I wanted to get better, I had to fight. I did not want to go back to who I was.
5. Keep your chin up
Some days are worse than others, but I don’t let those days get to me. I think of what I have accomplished instead. I now wake up to text messages from people who want to hang out with me. I am included in selfies.
I actually feel energized to work. Because of the internal changes, I have noticed that my work has improved, though I feel like I put in just as much effort as I did previously. I feel like the world is lighter.
Since I decided to change, I feel like I stand straighter. You read about why I got low. Have you ever felt low? Why?
Add Comment