You want to sweep a few men off their feet at the party you are going to. Maybe you want to do a surprise burlesque show for your man. Sometimes you just simply want to feel sensual and sexy, exuding happiness as you go about your day, knowing you are happy in your own sexuality. The question is: how do you do that?
Sensuality – What is it?
As a kid and also as an adult I remember looking at those curvaceous Mediterranean and Latin women and wondering how I could ever be sensual? I could do sexy, sure. Short skirts or tight pants, high heels and a certain level of cockiness knowing I was smart and later (much later) that I could get a guy if I wanted to, worked just fine in, well, getting guys.
The problem was I still did not feel like a woman. I was sexy and attractive, but I wasn’t sensual. I was all edges and no curves and the fact that I’ve always been skinny and looked absolutely dreadful wearing anything with frills didn’t help. I was always more of a tomboy.
Then, at some point, things started to change. I started opening my heart. I realized that I will probably always be the girl in short skirts (I like them) with bony elbows (that’s my body and I never wanted to change it), but I no longer felt like I was all edges.
I connected with my own inner femininity and started to feel strong living with my heart leading me as opposed to behaving like a warrior ready for battle; ready to impress with my long legs, my humor, or any other skill under my belt.
The real me was starting to shine through and in that was a lot of inherent sensuality. That’s not to say that I wouldn’t dress in leather pants and high heels to feel secure, putting up my walls and wielding my sword from time to time (read: any time I felt out of depth in a new situation I would do just that), but I was more relaxed.
I often stopped myself, acknowledged I was feeling out of depth and just took a big breath and started listening to my heart. Once we acknowledge our fears instead of battling them, they often slip away, together with the shields we have been using to try to suppress them.
During this time I also came to realize that walls do not protect you – all they do is attract people with the same issues to you, because those are the people who feel most comfortable hanging out with you. As I had little walls where friends were concerned, I attracted beautiful friends, but where men were concerned, I attracted broken hearts who tried validating themselves through their egos.
I did not want that, but I attracted them because I was acting as my ego wanted when dealing with men (i.e. I was doing exactly what they were doing). My heart was alive and trapped within the walls screaming for what it truly wanted, but it was still not the place I was in when interacting with men.
We aren’t a fit for everyone. That’s not an insult, it’s just a fact. Oil won’t mix with water, that doesn’t make the oil or the water, bad.
So there is really no excuse for putting up walls and pretending to be someone or something you are not (or maybe not so much pretending to be something else, but rather using an attitude to protect your heart, hiding your real emotions and vulnerability) so as to avoid getting hurt – no matter what you pretend to be it won’t mix with everyone. Walk in borrowed shoes or your own – someone will still not like those shoes.
The reason you have to take a step towards your hidden emotions to explore sensuality is that usually, when we put up walls, we are also shielding our true sensual nature. We don’t feel free with our sexuality and sensuality. We are using measured techniques, or we are so frightened that we don’t show it at all.
The idea of doing a sexy dance, flirting, or wearing sexy lingerie for example, frightens a lot of women. Some women even think that they aren’t sensual, that it doesn’t even exist within them, but it does.
Later in the article, you will find what I learned about my inner goddess and my sensuality through my personal journey and by reading books, taking classes and connecting with others on the same journey.
Having taken classes in sensual dancing with Katerina Gagkas who leads Greek Goddess Classes in Los Angeles, I wanted to share what they were like and also get her opinion as she watches women open up to their inner goddess and their sensuality all the time.
Finding sensuality is a tough journey
Sensuality is a feeling – it’s an energy inherent in all women, but many have forgotten that it exists as they are too busy going about everyday life. The masculine energy is only too present in most women: organize yourself and your family, get to work, work, get home, cook (or order a take away), clean, sleep…repeat. Most women, myself included, get so caught up in circumstance that we forget to check what place we are acting from.
Does it really help to complain when speaking to the kids/boyfriend/family/friends about something, or could we be saying the same thing from our heart, standing firm in who we really are, instead of using whatever energy just came over us?
It’s not always easy – the car breaks down, the neighbor starts arguing about the noise level of your one and only party held the past year and your boss or employees are being miserable that day, and then the boyfriend or the kids decide to complain about something.
You could deal with all that from the heart, being calm and serene, not letting circumstance affect your mood, or, you could put up walls of anger, irritation, helplessness, and sorrow…whatever mood you choose to connect with.
Staying true to your heart’s wishes and not letting circumstance aggravate you, putting you in a mood or having you put up walls to protect your heart, takes practice. The thing is that neither walls, nor bad mood, will help you deal with whatever at hand.
Anger, for example, might alert you to the fact that something is wrong, but using that energy to deal with it will only exhaust you. It’s not about suppressing the anger – you are still dealing with whatever made you angry – but it’s about choosing which way you deal with that.
Your heart contains all of your being and letting yourself feel the freedom it gives you is wonderful – it shows that you are happy to be who you are and acting from yourself, without attitude. Somewhere in there, you will find your femininity as well as your sensuality. You probably won’t spend all of your time with the doors wide open to your sensual self, but the important thing is to find that part of you and explore it when you want to.
If you want to find your femininity and sensuality start practicing in a place where you feel safe – where you do not put up walls to protect yourself from the judgment of others, or even yourself – and at a time when you don’t have to complete a to do list simultaneously.
First, connect with your heart and just be. Let go of any moods, as well as any “ego attitudes” (walls). Just simply be. When you’ve gotten used to that, and it can take a while – you might not even feel like you can find your heart’s true self the first few tries – try to tap into your femininity and from there to a place of sensuality. Try to just be in that space your sensuality is in.
Once you’ve gotten used to being comfortable with yourself, try to see how you handle different situations. Practice it even when the world around you is going crazy. Then try the same with your femininity and sensuality. Try living with your sensuality set free.
This might sound a bit like hogwash, but just like happiness is a feeling, so is sensuality. And you probably know the difference in going about your day when you are happy and when you are feeling stressed. This is the same thing; the only difference is that you are working with slightly different energies (for the lack of a better word).
Judgment and how it effects sensuality
“A flower does not think of competing with the flower next to it. It just blooms.” Ever heard of this quote? It reminds me of female sensuality because a lot of women are so frightened of what others would think about them showing it, or how it would look compared to someone close to them, that they never fully bloom.
They are so busy protecting themselves from potential criticism (judging themselves as inadequate whilst they do) that they never let go, embrace and enjoy their own growth.
For a woman to truly enjoy her own sensuality she has to let go – she has to open her heart to the world, proudly showcasing who she truly is. And by that, I don’t mean showcasing her skills, her learned behavior, or the mistakes she’s made in the past. No, what I mean is that she has to open her heart and soul to the world.
Those have nothing to do with what she has learned in life and through those learnings the mistakes she’s made (like thinking she was inadequate because her parents didn’t love her and therefore turning angry, or sad, and doing things to harm herself or others as a result), they are her true nature, her core.
Scars make people act from a place of hurt, thereby, doing things that don’t serve them, like closing their flower because someone, acting out of ego, said the flower was ugly, worthless, not good enough, not pretty enough… As a result they spend their lifetimes shielding their true beauty, petrified someone won’t like it. In turn, no one gets to experience their beauty, not even themselves.
Real versus fake sensuality/sexiness
Let’s jump straight to an example of how “trying to be sexy” can misfire. You work with a guy you find hot, so you’d like to get his attention. At the yearly Christmas party you therefore decide to really put it on – you get a nice dress, you do your hair, get a pedicure and a wax…
On the outside you look like a sexy Christmas present ready to be unwrapped. And you decide to really flaunt it – you use all your charms – you say all the right things, crack all the right jokes, flirt, put your legs in all the right positions…you are a walking sign for sexy. You exude sexiness.
However, this is just a cover for the insecurity you feel inside thinking if you just relax and have a good time the guy won’t notice you. So you are basically using a whole set of tricks (or weapons if you so like) to charm the guy. Your heart is surely missing in this display of tricks though.
You aren’t present to the moment, enjoying sharing time with the guy – you are giving him a show, completely caught up in thoughts about what move to make next, what things to say next and constantly wondering what he is thinking about you, judging yourself through his eyes (or what you believe to be his eyes).
The truth is, if this guy likes you, he is a fit, and he will be happy to date you. If he doesn’t, no trick in the world will engage him deeper than on a physical and ego level – you might get to date him, but you won’t be happy with him.
You can, on the other hand, do exactly the same things – dress up, get a pedicure, joke and laugh, whilst embracing your own sensuality, enjoying yourself. You can be fully present in the moment enjoying the connection you have with your inner goddess. You can allow your sensuality to come out through what you do.
You have opened the doors to your inner sensuality and it’s flooding out through the gates, but you aren’t using it as a cover for something else. In this space of openness you can explore the connection with the guy, both on a sensual and heart level, to see if there is something in it.
Maybe you just want to connect on a sensual level, but this is different than thinking you have to conquer the guy to prove something to yourself by putting on an act to appear sexy.
There is nothing to prove if you are already enjoying your own femininity and sensuality. Instead, you are allowing your sensuality to come out through the things you do, say and wear, and if there is potential for a deeper connection, of whatever kind, with the guy you will discover that in the process.
What I’m trying to say is that there is a difference in how we use sensuality. One is opening the gates to your sensual core and sharing that with the world. The other is taking the force, or power, of sensuality whilst keeping your heart closed. It’s using the ego to direct a force and chances are it will backfire as you will end up attracting people and circumstance to suit this energy.
It’s manipulative and rarely serves you, although I’m the first to admit that it might get you into a nightclub in Hollywood, or two… But you could just as well do that from your heart.
Sensuality and the power it holds
Genuinely, sensual women have power because they can turn on the floodgates to their sensuality at any time, and men, whether coming from their ego or from their heart, will be attracted to this on a sexual level. Women true to their hearts won’t misuse this power though. Why would they?
They don’t need to manipulate men. They only need to speak throught their hearts to find a man attracted to their heart. It’s true, you can use sensuality in business as well to get what you want, but as mentioned before – it is likely to backfire.
Does being sensually open mean you will be ambushed?
Men will be attracted to you, yes. The thing is though, when you are inside your heart, you will stand firm. You have confidence, because no matter what people say to you, you know who you are. You might want to shed some unwanted behaviors, but even if people would point this out and scratch your wounds, you know you are neither your wounds, nor your unwanted behaviors.
You have real confidence because you know your heart and who you truly are. You don’t need a “nobody messes with me” attitude to deal with men who sense your sensuality. You just need to stand firm within your heart, having complete faith in yourself.
A woman acting from her heart won’t be walked over, messed with, sexually harassed, or put down. And that does not mean she will threaten, get angry, or demand “respect” in a booming or high pitched voice. No, it means she will lovingly tell any man or woman who tries to mess with her, that it’s not acceptable.
She won’t waste her time getting caught up in negative energy, including her own anger. She will simply put a firm stop to it and move onto something better. And most people won’t mess with genuinely confident women, because they won’t get the satisfaction of having some big argument that serves their ego driven purposes.
Sensuality and the beauty it brings out
The fool asks if they are beautiful, the wise one already knows. And she who knows will set about honoring her own beauty. She will eat the foods that make her feel well. She will do the things that make her happy. She will wear the clothes that bring out her heart. She will look after herself, because she realizes her own worth.
The whole world does not have to compliment her on her beauty; they might not even see it. It doesn’t matter, she knows it’s there and she’s enjoying it – helping it to fully materialize in the world. There is no hiding behind “powerful” clothes to feel powerful, or “sexy” clothes to feel sexy. Nor are they there to cover up her beauty and shy away to hide from the world and the potential damage it can do her.
No, the clothes are there to show her heart, not to hide it. They bring out her inherent beauty and sensuality. The clothes are a mirror, not a weapon used as a cover for insecurity.
What about plastic surgery? It won’t change inner sensuality, but if you want to look a certain way and the gods did not make you look that way, there’s nothing stopping you from changing it. Nobody will say that someone who got burnt in a fire shouldn’t have plastic surgery. Likewise, I see no reason that someone who thinks their outside is jarring with who they are use plastic surgery.
However, and it’s a big however, your looks isn’t what makes you sensual or beautiful. Your heart and soul, if living inside your heart, come out in the way you are acting, the things you are saying, the way you are dressing, the way you are wearing your hair, the way you are going about your day, the signals you are sending and your overall attitude and this energy, or whatever you wish to call it, is what attracts men.
For example, I don’t find Jaquin Phoenix good looking. His looks do nothing for me. In Walk the Line, I still thought he was the sexiest man alive, as I liked the character he was portraying. I can’t necessarily say I was coming from my heart with that attraction, but nonetheless, it proves a point. Look at any actor and the roles they have played – most likely, you thought some of the characters were hot and some not.
Nothing but you can make you feel beautiful. Plastic surgery included, but like clothes it might make you feel like a truer representation of who you are. It’s not my place to decide that.
What I do think is that you can decide to be beautiful today and act from that feeling. It will make you shine, because just like sensuality is a feeling, so is beauty. Worry about your wrinkles or go out and have a good time and laugh so much you create some more – how you perceive your life is all about what you are putting your focus on.
Sensuality and seduction
A sensual woman knows that when she embraces her sensuality it will be seen, and when seducing someone, her intuition will lead her. However, there are still skills you can learn as far as seduction is concerned – skills that match your heart; your true personality.
When you learn seduction skills by connecting to the heart, you allow your inner sensual goddess to come out and shine (as opposed to using outside prompts because you think you lack what it takes to be sensual or sexy).
You may not have an affinity for burlesque dancing or striptease, maybe you prefer to bring out your sensuality through tantra, sexy make-up, a boudoir photo shoot, wearing flowing dresses or wearing mini dresses, cooking in your underwear, or writing sexual poems.
Whatever it is, make sure when you build your skills as a seductress you choose skills that reflect your heart. This is where you learn to play on a whole other level as you are actively engaging with your sensuality for the purpose of seduction.
Note though: your sensuality will shine through just as much when you bake a cake, or do a headstand as when you do a burlesque show. You can exude sensuality standing in a skiing outfit in the Alps, or wearing a Halloween costume looking like a green monster.
Most people want to bring their sensuality into their lives and explore it through their sexuality though. And many people have scars in this area – they feel they can’t be sexy, can’t seduce a man, can’t have happy sex…their egos are having a heyday.
It often takes a lot to stay with your inner goddess, stay with your sensuality, when exploring the field of seduction, as you have to remember that your heart is beautiful whether your ego comes in and destroys the dance you just prepared by making you trip up, or you do the perfect dance. You have to have confidence that you are great, even in the face of rejection.
Recommended reading for finding inner sensuality
When it comes to exploring sensuality, my favorite author is David Deida – I swear by The Way of the Superior Man. It’s a book for men, but it explains men’s relationship to women and how the masculine and feminine plays out. I have yet to come across a woman who did not love this book.
Do those who embrace their inner goddess and sensuality never judge, fear or feel inferior?
Of course they do. Everyone has learnt patterns of thinking and behavior; everyone has an ego. The difference is a goddess recognizes the disconnection between the heart and her ego and rather than trying to put something on top to quench her insecurities, she realizes they are coming from the ego.
She sees them, acknowledges them – really allows herself to feel them – and then let them go. She isn't suppressing them, because that will only make her hold onto them, constantly pushing them away or fighting them. Pushing and shoving insecurities aside does little but to make enemies with yourself.
The insecurities are there, because, at some point you thought they’d protect you from harm – if I don’t go after that guy he can’t reject me. He can’t reject you for trying, but he will already be rejecting you as he doesn't know you exist if you don’t try.
And if he turns out to be water to your oil, then is it really rejection? Or is it just realizing there was no true connection there; it was just your ego wanting to connect to his ego? A man can be fantastic, but nothing but a true, genuine connection, will ever make your heart happy.
These women allow themselves to be who they are because they don’t have fear of others. They also acknowledge that they have behaviors that may need to change, but that they themselves in their heart and soul are gorgeous creatures, deserving of all the love in the world. If someone gives them discredit they know the person is coming from their own ego, trying to satisfy their own insecurities.
To make a visual example: imagine a woman doing a striptease for her man. She’s constantly wondering if the moves she is pulling are good enough. Therefore she can’t quite remember her moves, or they are all rehearsed to perfection, not a single flaw. The problem is they also lack all kind of feeling – they are impressive and sexy but that’s it. There’s nothing more to them – they are sterile and lack all sense of sensuality.
A man who lives in his ego (i.e. someone who has closed his heart) might be satisfied with that, but a man who is coming from his heart won’t. And deep inside, most women, just like most men, want to find someone who will truly love them. Putting on a show and feeling loved for the show and the show alone won’t lead to that. All it will lead to is misery, feeling loved for something that isn't real and then wondering why they picked yet another man who wasn't “it.”
So, don’t forget that you are beautiful just the way you are, and someone will love you for that, cherish you, and will try to understand all of you. Don't stop working on yourself until you feel sexy and you know it. What do you think about expressing sensuality? Comment on it below the article!