What do you do when it’s you, when you are the one who says “my boyfriend hit me”?
You’re in love, over the moon with happiness. You’ve been together with your boyfriend for a while now, and you’re convinced he’s the one. Then suddenly, on a bright sunny day, as you affectionately make fun at his unmanageable beard, he strikes you.
You’re shocked, you’re thinking: “My boyfriend hit me! Maybe it was an accident, maybe it was a one time thing.” He would never intentionally hurt you, would he? But as he looms over you, you realize that maybe it wasn’t an accident.
Has this ever happened to you? If it has, you need to know a few things
- It was never your fault, nothing you did justifies his actions. He is the sole person responsible for his own behavior. You may be sitting here telling yourself that what you did was the exception to this rule, that you had it coming. Maybe you laughed too hard at some else’s joke or you didn’t listen closely enough to what your partner was saying. Either way, you did not have it coming. I can never repeat it enough times; you do not deserve to be treated like that.
- Doing nothing changes nothing. Leaving this problem alone and refusing to confront it directly will only make things worse. You have to remember that your relationship wasn’t always like this. His behavior slowly built to a point where he started hitting you, and as it slowly built to this monstrosity, it will continue to build to even worse prospects. This issue will not disappear on its own.
- If you have children, then rest assured that although he may be hitting only you at the moment, and you can live with your own abuse, he will move on to your children. The longer this relationship continues, the greater at risk you and your children become.
- We have to remember that an abusive relationship can also be between two women, two men, or two friends. Also remember, women can be abusers as well. It can also be a predatory relationship, which is usually found between teenagers and older men. Wherein runaway teens are found by older men and forced into prostitution.
There is this term Leslie Morgan Steiner coined, and it’s called crazy love. Crazy love is when we love someone so much, that we make constant excuses for them. We see them as deeply troubled and in need of help. We view ourselves as their only saviors and that we have to stay in order to help them.
In regard to this, I would say helping someone is fine, but you don’t have to be with them in order to help them. In fact, if you’re not a therapist you really can’t help them, they need professional help. If you are a therapist, then you know you can’t treat people you already know, due to emotional proximity.
There is no reason for you to remain with this person. There are people out there that can help these abusers. That is what they are, abusers.
Acknowledging that you’re in an abusive relationship can be difficult. My general rule of thumb is, if you’re unsure as to whether you’re in an abusive relationship, then you probably are in one. We are going to go through a check list of the possible signs that you are in an abusive relationship, the more points you check of, the worse the situation is.
1. Does he hit you?
This can be constant shoving, slapping or punching. It can be frequent or sparse. Do you find yourself trying to explain his behavior to other people? Do you find yourself covering up your bruises with make up or lying to your friends as to how you got those bruises?
2. Does he make you fear for your life?
Does he constantly threaten you? Physically beats you or threatens to beat you? He uses fear to control you? Do you constantly feel afraid in your own home? Do you dread going home?
3. Does he make you constantly feel on edge?
Do you have to tip toe around him? Are you constantly worried about what will set him off? Or that he can or will lash out at any time? Are you uncomfortable around him? Do you feel like you can’t predict his behavior?
4. Has he isolated you?
Does he disapprove of your friends? Is he constantly trying to stop you from going out with your friends? Does he want you to stop seeing them? He doesn’t like your family and over time you’ve stopped talking to them? Have you realized that your circle of friends is shrinking?
Or have you realized that you and your partner now have the same circle of friends and that any secrets you share with them are then told to your partner? Have you suddenly moved away and have no friends and family where you’re living now? Have you had to give up your job?
5. Does he control what you wear?
Does he dictate what you should wear or how long your dresses should be, or tells you how much makeup to wear? Do you have any free choice concerning your appearance? Does he lash out when you wear what you feel comfortable wearing?
6. Does he put you down?
Does he constantly make you feel worthless or tells you how you won’t amount to anything? Doesn’t support you in the things you seek to achieve? Does he constantly tell you how no one will love you, how you will always be alone?
7. Does he threaten you emotionally?
Does he tell you to do things to show him you love him, or tells you that he hurts you because he loves you? When hits you, does he say it’s for your own good? Does he constantly make you doubt your own self-worth?
8. Does he control your money?
By the time you realize you’re a victim, a great deal of your self-worth might have disappeared as well. Does your partner want to be notified every time your paycheck arrives and have an excessive input on how you distribute it?
Does your partner run up debts on your credit cards or ask you to co-sign on documents that will make you financially liable if he defaults?
Can you spot the signs of a financially abusive relationship?
9. Are you afraid to say no to him?
Do you feel like you can’t voice your opinion? Do you constantly say yes just to please him? Is he constantly getting his way? Does he force you to have sex even though you say no (this would be considered rape)?
The most important thing to do is to break through the haze that surrounds this relationship. You have to look at this check list and honestly see which boxes have been checked. If you do check multiple boxes and you’re still not convinced that you’re in a domestically violent relationship, then you need to sit yourself down and say it out loud.
I want you to say, “I am being domestically abused and I need to leave him/her.” I know that you don’t believe what you’re saying, but keep saying it until you believe it.
Still not convinced?
If you’re still not convinced that you’re experiencing domestic violence, then I would suggest you call up your local domestic violence hotline or the local women’s shelter and see if they think you’re experiencing domestic violence.
What if he does all these things or most of them but he apologizes and promises that he won’t do it again?
Exactly how many times has he apologized? Is this the first time, the second, the fourth, the tenth, the twentieth? Be honest now, how many times has he apologized? Say it out loud to yourself.
Words mean nothing
My advice regarding this is very simple. Words mean nothing, I don’t care what people have to say, anyone can say anything. All I truly care about is what people do, the saying “actions speak louder than words” has never been so true, particularly in this situation.
After he has apologized does he still make you feel afraid, does he still control you and blame you for his outbursts. Do you feel safe? If not, then rest assured that his apologies are empty and that the abuse will start again, it may not be today but it will be tomorrow.
When you’re in an abusive relationship and the thing that’s stopping you is all the wonderful memories you’ve had with them, then I only have one thing to say: don’t focus on the good, focus only on the bad. If you don’t like or you don’t want to deal with the worst that person has to offer, then the good memories are not worth it.
I am being domestically abused, how do I get out?
This is a tricky process as any domestically abused person may know. The reason many don’t leave, even though they want to, is because they are afraid and because it’s dangerous. Here are some steps you should take.
1. Talk about it
By talking about it you are letting people know what’s happening. He now can’t hide behind the shroud of secrecy.
But what if I don’t have anyone to tell?
It’s simple, tell your neighbors. Tell your friends, even if you’re not friends any more, call them and tell them. Call your family, even if you’re not close any more. Tell the checkout kid at your local grocery store, or the mail man. Tell everyone. When you are truly comfortable, tell the police.
Ask them for their advice; find out the steps that you can take to carve out a peaceful and safe existence. If you’re uncomfortable telling the police, then call a domestic abuse hotline or a women’s shelter and tell them. Get their advice and they will help you figure out the next couple of steps.
2. Make an exit plan
It’s not safe for you to up and leave. You need an exit plan. After you’ve told someone, pick a few people that you trust and keep them informed of what’s happening. Use code words that inform them that you need to be evacuated.
If you’re in the process of making an exit plan and he hurts you before you’re able to leave, be sure to keep evidence of what occurred, such as photos of bruises.
Keep your car fueled and unlocked, be sure your car is the last one on the driveway, also hide the spare keys. This will aid in a quick getaway. If you don’t have a car, keep the bus or train schedules at hand and hide some extra money for the tickets.
Try to set aside some money, if you can’t do this on your own try and have trusted family or friends loan you some money.
Hide a bag filled with clothes, any medication, money, important papers (license, passport etc.), at a trusted friends house. This will ensure that he doesn’t find the bag and disrupt your plans.
Make note of his schedule and when the safest time for you to leave would be. For instance, if it’s up to you to pick up the children from school, then use that time to pick them up and leave. Or if he works away from home then use that time to make your getaway.
If you have children, then inform them of the basics of your plan. Don’t tell them any specifics, especially if they are too young, as they may give your exit plan away.
How to avoid potentially abusive relationships
The best thing to do is to pay attention to the signs and to catch them early, that way it is easier to leave as you are still surrounded by your friends and still have your financial independence.
I tend to use a red flag system when I meet new people. It works like this, I constantly observe the person I’ve just met, I see if they do something that’s somewhat off or matches one of the mentioned criteria or starts demanding things from you and starts making you feel bad about yourself.
The idea is to take notice of repetitive behavior; there is nothing wrong if someone says something that hurts your feelings, if it only happens once. The problem lies with whether they do it constantly. So you place a red flag on every occasion that makes you feel off or that matches the criteria.
I tend to get suspicious after 2 of the same flags pop up and the person made me feel bad about myself twice in a short period of time. I get suspicious if they have 3 different flags, or they have a single flag against them for 3 different matches on the criteria.
For example, I used to work as a receptionist, one day as I walked past my boss I felt his hand touch my bum, he apologized and I said it was alright, but I made note of the event with a flag. If it happened again I would leave that job. Thankfully, I worked there for another 4 years without another incident.
On another occasion I was dating a guy and I marked 3 separate flags for 3 items on the criteria. My response was to up and leave, better to leave now and have my heart broken than become a statistic. I never spoke to him again.
By having such a small threshold for these things, I mean not waiting around for the 2nd or 4th flag; you create a safe environment for yourself and you get out of a potentially adverse situation pretty early on.
As I tend to respond to these flags by simply cutting that person out of my life, you have to be brutal too with these things in order to be safe and happy. Yes, maybe you are letting a good one go by using this method, but do you really want to risk it, as this is a dangerous world.
Some people who are in abusive relationships are unsure if they are, and don’t know how to escape it. Take the quiz, and see what you can do to stop it.
How To Rebound After You Stop Emotional Abuse
Mental abuse has a way of changing your personality without you even realizing it. It’s subtle. When you get to the stage where you’re brave enough to leave, you realize all the damage that’s been done.
The truth is, it did happen to you. It can never be undone. However, you’re not lost forever. You can always be found. Here is how.
Comment below and tell us your story, and maybe inspire someone that wants to get away. You can also offer up some of your own advice.
I need help. This is happening to me right now. Please help me. Please. I need any help I can get. To be honest I didn’t do anything wrong. Just because I couldn’t catch a bag of chips properly, he yelled at me and hit me hard saying I never learn and that it was the final straw. I never cheated on him. I never abused him. I showed him how grateful I was and I felt that he didn’t want me to be me. I did the long way of doing things and he is annoyed by that. He says there are simpler ways to do things but I choose to do things the longer way because that’s how I am. He says I’m stubborn and I never learn. Because of that, he hit me. Twice. He threatened me multiple times. He says no guy will ever be able to handle me and love me like he does. He says I’m difficult and that no guy will love me for me and all my stubbornness. Please… I need help.
HE TRYING TO TELL YOU THAT HE..
CHEATS ON YOU EVERYTHING HE SAYING YOUR DOING WHEN HE TREATS YOU BAD…ITS WHAT HE DOING BEHIND YOUR BACK HE IS TAKEN HIS GILT INTO ANGER ON YOU …TO GET THE TRUTH OUT OF HIM IS FLIPING WHAT HE SAYS TO YOU TO HIM A LIAR WELL TELL THE TRUTH ON TBEM SELF BY WHAT THEY ARE ACCUSING YOU OF DOING IM TELLING YOU THE TRUTH I TO AM A VICTIM OF THIS
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years and 10 months. This year has been the worst year for us. Earlier this year was hell for us. In the past two months he hit me twice. The first one was because i caught him doing things behind my back, and we argued badly, he hit me across my face and push me to the floor. He was afraid and started crying and i worse. Three days later my grandpa past away. He supportive but i was afraid of him. About 3 weeks later as we were driving to a concert we started arguing ,i went to the back seat to cry because i couldn’t handle his awful words anymore. As he was driving he reached to the back seat hit me across my face a couple times and grabbed my hair and shook my head. I wanted to jump off the car and die in the fwy. I love him, I’m still with him, but i find myself constantly crying because of what he did. The images are still in my head cleary and its killing me. Help me. I’m lost. Help.
hi is this an old thread? are you still in the relationship ?
hi did you get help? are you still in the relationship. i have a similar problem.
I got out. I was in an abusive relationship, mostly emotional abuse, for months. The last straw was when he choked me and threatened to kill me. I told my friends and family. I knew if I told them what had happened, I could never go back. I sabotaged any chances of me going back, which I inevitably would. My advice, tell someone. Tell anyone who will listen. It’s the only way I got out. It hasn’t been easy, there are still times I want to reach out to him, but knowing how much it would disappoint my family is what is keeping me from going back. Be strong, I never thought I would get out, but I am.
Hello! I have a story to share. I got divorced and started a new relationship. I was so thrilled about it. You know? My second chance and all. Even planned having a baby with him. He was a jealous boyfriend, never wanting me to talk to my ex husband. Hard to do since I have 2 girls from that marriage. One day my boyfriend lost his mind because my ex husband texted me(it was just to schedule our girls’ visit). He grabbed my arm so hard that I got a huge bruise. He apologized and I just went along with it. But it happened again… This time worse. He bruised both my arms and my hands, pushed my head against the wall.
I just left him 3 days ago. I sadly miss him… But I am trying to stay strong. Reading your article helps soothing my soul for I know I did the right thing.
If anyone else is in need. Please notice that an abusive relationship can only go worse. Run and run far away.
Am in the same situation right now… He is a crazy beast… Tired of all this but scared at the same time…. He puts me down at all times…
Ia this old? Do you still need help? It is NEVER your fault. And its gonna hurt your heart but u have to leave this relationship. There are women shelters that will help u get on your feet and keep you safe. There are ways to contact police without him catching you get someome to call cops for you
So proud of you. I know ir hurts im going through it to but what helps me is finding new hobbies and getting back in touch with old girlfriends i abandoned due to my abusive relationship and slowly I am starting to feel like a strong woman again and once you start accomplishing things without him girrrl you’re gonna feel so liberated. Time heals all . I will say a prayer for you
I have been with my current BF for 5 years he just hit me 30mins ago… I lost count how many times I’m his punching bag. I have been trying to get help for years I ddont know how to ask for help. Or who to talk to. I have to lie too him about where I i go if it means visiting my family . I have called the cops once but he came back that same night and abused me again. I got my own place all under my name. How do I get him out before it get started worse. Even the car is under my name he has nothing but controls everything I have. I’m not happy anymore that I don’t even have sex with him. I have lost all love for him. I just need help and encouragement to move on safely
I going threw an abusive relationship and he is young I really don’t need this he is very immature and he is all ways looking a women in front of me… Not only and he can’t control his private areas.. This is really getting to me I want out but I can’t if he had a job maybe I’d have time but all he does is try to upset me all day by staying sleeping to he hurts me by telling he’s a f**king sleep and gets upset just cause he says he don’t no what he is doing but he’ll be playing with his privates..When meet him he had over 30 p**ns and his sex drive was wild but he don’t think about how we do it he just nice from that moment but one going inside me he just goes to rough like if I’m getting raped… Please anyone help I’m reaching out for you…
“It was never your fault, nothing you did justifies his actions”
Immediately stopped reading, who wrote this crap?
OF COURSE YOU HAD A PART in him striking you, i know fellow women that are emotionally abusive and like to twist their lovers hearts out with words. Men are way more blunt and straight forward. If he hits you please dont run to a blog and get advice, think about what lead up to it.
i am committed with a guy for 1years.But he hits me several times.I gave him last chance.But he wasted it.What will be my next step?i seriously need suggestion
My name is Sarah I love this man, Shawn. this man is going to kill me. I have no ID no SSC just a birth certificate. No home no job no license. I am 21. It’s cold out and this man has a home we got together from nothing living on the streets. I’ve loved this man for a year and i have nothing but my heart. I have been beat for almost the whole year. I never would believe this is my life. I don’t write for pity or help I simple need to write for me. I want to be happy smart safe loved. I want to be free but I want this man to be as well I can’t let him be hurt even though he hurts me. I don’t know what to do or think anymore. Where is me?
Don’t let him know you are seeking help be will never trust u and the abouse gets worse I’m Ruth I got to tell YOU Something ALL LIEING MEN TELL ON THERE SELFS BY WHAT THEY ARE ACCUSING YOU OF DOING FLIP IT AROUND ON THEM LEAVE U SELF OUT OF IT AND HE TELLING U HE CHEATS ON YOU HE SPINS THE MONEY ON HIS SELF THEY HIT U PUT U DOWN FLIPING IT. AROUND BECAUSE REALLY YOU SHOULD BE ANGRY AT HIM PUTTING HIM DOWN SO FLIP IT AROUND ALL MEN TELL ON THEM SELFS WHEN THEY ACCUSE YOU OF DOING ITS WHAT THEY ARE DOING AND FLIPING IT HARD ON YOU
I had been with my boyfriend for 7 years, since I was 18 years old, he was 21 at the time. At the beginning, everything was so wonderful. I felt like he unraveled a whole new world to me. I had always felt so smothered and secluded before I met him. He taught me about life, people, importance of education, sports and how to speak my mind- to others anyway. As time progressed, I started to see the flaws. He would drink to a point where I did not recognize him. He would drink and not know how to stop. He would drink until he was passed out on the bathroom floor naked. While he drank, he became this ruthless, disrespectful, mean, paranoid person. He would call random girls at night while I was in bed right next to him and tell them he was going over. He would call me an ungrateful bitch for not being hungry. He would call me a cheating whore for texting my mother. He would constantly curse at me for trying to put him to bed or feed him. He would slap my hand away for making food. He hated me going out with my friends who are now distant. He hated my family and rarely ever came around them. When I finally convinced him to allow me to go out, I had to text him the entire time and when I got home, he still was not happy. He immediately started yelling at me calling me a lying slut. He pushed me into the bedroom and onto the bed, held me down while squeezing my wrists and just continued yelling at me about my worthlessness. The next mornings, he was always very apologetic. He always assured me of how much he loved me. How much he needed me. how much he wanted our life together. I loved him so much for all the amazing times we had and the good parts of him. I forgave him a total of 6 times. I finally gathered the courage to leave him after 5 years. The only way I could think of getting out was to ghost him. He would never allow me to walk out the door. It was probably the hardest thing I had ever had to do. He called and text a million times with insults and apologizes. After 8 months of separation and no contact, I contacted him because I could not keep a guy around to save my life. I had constantly made mistake and caught myself acting in the same manner he would at times. I was feeling very insecure- now looking back, that’s probably exactly what we wanted. I gave in shortly after and we got back together. We moved into our first apartment together a few months later. Things were actually great and I believed that he had truly changed. He was that guy I first fell in love with and I hoped we could get past everything we had been through until it began again. This time, I left and went out without confronting the situation and ran into someone I had known years before. I did cheat on my boyfriend that night. I did confess the following day which I did pay for. This time, he had reason to be furious with me and he was instead very reluctant to look at me. I begged him to forgive me and begged him to take me back. He did. I made up for my infidelity for months. I also paid for it for months by him going back to his insulting, angry, manipulative behavior. I had never felt so guilty. I finally had had enough and wrote all my feelings down and left my goodbye letter because I knew a face to face confrontation would not be acceptable. Of course he attempted to contact me several times but I couldn’t deal. We were not together for a couple months until I got the call from his mother telling me that his brother was in Intensive Care barely conscience, on live support and asked for me mid consciousness. Him and his brother had always been close. I could not say no to him. So I arranged to go to the hospital on a day that my ex would not be there. He ended up contacting me prior and we talked and I voiced my side and yelled and screamed at him and he was apologetic ( again). So to be supportive, I went with my ex to visit him in ICU. He broke down and reassured me that he was so happy I was there with him through this. We stayed in contact throughout his brothers stay at the hospital. His brother ( his best friend) passed away at 31 years old a month later. I found myself back together with him and being his support. I tried to be understanding and supportive. But the anger and aggressiveness got worse and worse as time progressed. He always wanted to fight someone and he was drinking more often. His tantrums worsened and worsened. I tried having conversations with him about going to see a therapist and his behavior. He would be apologetic and assure me of his love and gratefulness. Things would be okay for a week and then he would go back to his same old habits. Until the last time when I got home from hanging out with my cousin, he was sitting up on the bed with a blank stare in his eyes and then pretended to be asleep. I walked into the bathroom to wash my face and heard a beer cap thrown on the floor. When I lifted my face from washing my face, he was standing right behind me and grabbed my arms, pushed me against the sink and accused me of lying to him and told me he always knew I had been cheating on him every day since. He called me an ungrateful whore and lying bitch. I tried to get away and he just kept kneeing me to keep me close and gripping tighter and tighter. We somehow made our way into the bedroom and I almost got loose when we pushed me into the dresser. My mirror fell on top of me and he pushed me down on the bed. He kept me there holding my arms down and on top of me continuously calling me names and insulting me. When we finally let me go, I ran into the kitchen to get my keys to leave but he followed me and cornered me in the kitchen. He just kept on and kept on. I couldn’t get away. I was so scared. His eyes were dark. lost. But another person I had no idea who. He looked at the knives so I tried to talk to him. I tried to assure him I didn’t do anything and that I loved him but he was not listening. He lighted up a little enough for me to escape his grip and ran to the bedroom. I locked me door and laid in bed. All I could feel was scared and regret. I tried to jut go to sleep hoping that everything would just go away and he would fall asleep but he kept trying to open the door. He was relentless on opening the door. I could hear him trying to use a knife to open, it felt like hours. Then we finally opened the door and kept on grilling me. Jumped on the bed right behind me and grabbed me waist pushing and pulling me closer. I was just crying the entire time and asked him to please leave me alone that he had messed up but he would not listen. When he had finally had enough, he walked out of the room and I ran behind him to lock it again. It was quiet for a few minuets until he attempted to come back in and found the door was locked again. He used the knife to open the door again. I was just motionless. I was so terrified to do anything but pretend I was asleep. He laid down on the bed this time quietly and apologetic. I said nothing. He was mad that I had no response so pushed me one last time and walked out the door and slammed it behind him. I cried myself to sleep. When I woke up in the morning, he was in bed with me. I tried to beat him out the door in the morning, but when his alarm went off, I jumped back in bed and waited for him to leave. He left that morning for work like nothing had happened. I packed my clothes and have not been to that apartment since. He did not attempt to contact me until 4pm that day. I beat myself up ever day for not being stronger. I have never been this weak person. I had always been described as a strong independent women but with him, I was weak. I never recognized myself. I had been beat down for years to this weak, insecure, unsure, and lost person. This feeling of hurt and regret is the hardest thing in the world. I find myself losing my air and I cant breathe at times. All I can do is cry. I don’t eat. I barely sleep. I cant focus. I heart is at the bottom of my stomach. It is the scariest thing in the world to not recognize the person you thought you would spend the rest of your life with. It is heart breaking that the one person in your life who promised to love you and protect you is the person that hurt you most. I never want to feel this way ever again. I know I have so much support In my life and I will get through this for the better. I am not a weak person nor will I ever be again. Anyone out there reading my story and going through a similar situation, Be strong. Be smart. Know your worth. It is not your fault. Be brave.
I need help , I don’t know what I do ? since 5 years we have realations but we love each other but he always hit me , what I do now ? I can not say no body I feel shy ,and affried