Your wedding day is billed as one of the most important days of your life, and there is a lot that could potentially go wrong. However with careful planning there is no reason why your special day should not go ahead without a hitch, providing you avoid the following tactics.
1. Get drunk the night before
Everyone is nervous before getting married and a massive amount of alcohol the night before will do you wonders. Not only will it calm you down but it will also aid a restful night’s sleep. Having a hangover will add some extra radiance to your bridal skin, and so what if you feel a little crappy? Your wedding day is the one day where people will be running around after you so you can take your foot off the gas a little. Plus you will have people doing your hair and make-up so you don’t have to worry about looking a little jaded.
2. Piss off your mother in law
Let’s face it, she has been asking for it since you announced your engagement so you may as well start as you mean to go on. Draw the line in the sand for your mother-in-law on your wedding day so she knows where she stands; she is unlikely to forget it.
3. Get your bridesmaids at each other’s throats
Not only should you make sure none of your bridesmaids upstage you by making them wear outfits which are completely unflattering (by the way this is a long held tradition), but you should also ensure they all fall out. This can be simply achieved by telling tales behind their backs about what one thinks of the other. This way they will have other things on their minds rather than looking good and enjoying themselves at your expense.
4. Get really loaded
No one is going to deny you enjoying yourself at your own wedding, so it’s perfectly acceptable to turn up high. As the day progresses you can continue to party likes its 1999. If you pass out or vomit everyone will understand.
5. Cry at something inappropriate
Weddings are not all about happiness so if you feel like having a bit of a bawl about something which is truly upsetting (like having to become a member of your husband’s family); feel free to show your emotions on your sleeve. When someone congratulates you on your day it’s okay to cry and lament the fact that you will no longer be able to sleep around. It’s a sad day really.
6. Laugh at something inappropriate
If old Uncle Al falls off his chair because he is getting a bit infirm in his dotage, or one of your guests literally breaks a leg on the dance floor, or someone has to leave because of an emergency at home, then do yourself a favor and make sure you see the funny side. Lighten up, it’s your big day and humor is totally appropriate. People have come along to enjoy themselves after all.
7. Have a fight
It doesn’t have to necessarily be with a guest either. A fight with your new husband will really spice up the day and make sure your wedding is a day to remember. People will be recounting it to their children and their children’s children for decades to come.
8. Force guests to eat something they don’t want (or are allergic to)
You paid for the wedding, right? Or at least you know someone who did. Then it’s up to you what’s on the menu. Don’t make any kind of concession for any dietary requirements apart from your own. Vegetarian? Then just eat a little bit of the meat. Coeliac? Hey, keep away from the bread rolls. Peanut Allergy? Oh my God weirdo alert. As for observing religious traditions, forget it. Top marks if your caterers can give your guests food poisoning.
9. Get off with the best man
Your best man is the one you fancied in the first place so you may as well take your chance before one of the bickering bridesmaids gets her claws in. The groom and best man like to share a bit of brotherly love at weddings, what else is all that back slapping for? Such good friends won’t mind sharing a bit of the action on the special day.
10. Don’t try on your wedding dress beforehand
The wedding dress fitted at the last fitting three months ago, so there is no reason why it wouldn’t now. Okay, so you have been on holiday since and admittedly have put on a few extra pounds but it will still fit. I mean, really, how much can your body change in just three months? It’s meant to be tight fitting look anyway and the fat will be mostly poking out the back once you pull the corset tight, and who will be looking at your back when they have your wonderful face to look at?
11. Be bitchy in your bridal speech
Isn’t it great that nowadays the bride gets to speak too? Gone are the days where you have to sit their looking demure, this is your 15 minutes of fame so let it rip girl. Let the world know all the things you have been bottling up inside and deliver your vitriol with a side plate of sarcasm.
12. Be rude to your guests
If your guests didn’t want to come to your wedding then they should not have accepted the invite in the first place. It’s your day and it’s entirely up to you how you behave. Perhaps a reminder that they are getting free food and drink wouldn’t go amiss. Okay so perhaps it’s a pay bar, and maybe they did have to fork out for a new outfit, accommodation and the luxury items on your wedding list. But hey, you can’t be responsible for everything.
13. Be disrespectful to your new in-laws
This nicely coincides with point 2 but the difference being that your in-laws are not that important. It’s better to show indifference and mostly ignore them. Once you are married, unless they are wealthy and can assist you in any way, your new husband will be having very little to do with them anyway.
14. Make it clear to the best man that nothing is off limits in his speech
We all know that the best man’s speech can make or break a wedding, so ensure that your best man can say whatever he likes. After all, we do have freedom of speech. Perhaps he knows some juicy gossip about your racy time at high school, or can tell a story about your new husband‘s past love life. You don’t want your guests falling asleep during the speech do you?
15. Invite jealous lovers and ex-spouses with an axe to grind
It wouldn’t be fair if not everyone could share your special day, so if you know any jealous lovers (ex or otherwise), or ex-spouses, or maybe even jilted lovers, then make sure you invite them so that they get the message that neither of you are longer on the menu. To make your day even more memorable, see if you can flirt with the law by not mentioning the fact that you are still technically married to someone else. In some religious sects polygamy isn’t such a big deal.
16. Plan your wedding on the same day as a major sporting event
Hey, it will be like two parties in one. All your sport loving guests will really appreciate that you have arranged your wedding on their team’s big day. Don’t worry too much if your speeches or wedding day events overlap the game slightly. People will be much more interested in your first dance than watching their team make an historical win.
17. Don’t turn up
The only surefire way to screw up your wedding day is to not turn up in the first place. This time honored tactic has been incredibly effective throughout the centuries. Not only is this the perfect way of screwing up your current wedding, but it can also act as a skeleton that can fall out of the closet at inappropriate times in the future.
So there you have it: your indispensable guide to screwing up your wedding day. Of course a lot of these tips are tongue in cheek and common sense, and there is no reason why you should not enjoy your perfect day, but like with anything else, it’s all about taking other people into consideration and being kind and happy.