Meeting a man whom you immediately like isn’t an every day occurrence. For most women, these kinds of encounters are few and far between. It doesn’t matter if it’s someone new, or maybe one of your guy friends.
Getting excited about the prospect of getting to know him better or going out on a date looks like the perfect idea, but there is one problem: your best friend, the girl that’s been by your side for years and years, feels the same way about him.
Here is a short guideline that could help you decide what to do when you and your best friend like the same guy.
Don’t react on your first gut feeling. Examine your life, and find out why are you interested in this exact guy. Do you believe he is the right man for you, and if the answer is yes, why do you think that is? Where you just impressed by your first (but shallow) encounter, or do you genuinely believe he is a “keeper”?
One girl that I have worked with, after she left a long relationship, felt sure she meet her future husband almost every day.
This happened at least once a week, in every possible place: from clubs and bars, to supermarkets and dentist waiting rooms. Through this, she got many sexual encounters, but she didn’t develop a single longer relationship with any of them, until she figured out the was actually afraid of being alone.
Be aware of your motives before you decide how to approach this dilemma.
This occurrence is even more common in male gropes, but isn’t exclusive to men. It consist of believing some men are more attractable because other women are interested in them.
Some scientists tried to link this phenomenon to out animal instincts and the way other mammals choose mating partners. The explanation is that some members of a species are more attractive because they have one or more successful biological traits that will be passed on to their offsprings. Other members of the same species recognise this and thus want to mate with them.
If this is also true for humans on some subconscious level, it’s possible you’re attracted to the same guy because you’re friend was also attracted. This is only a theory, and today, we function a lot differently then our animal cousins.
But, in any case, it’s worth thinking about it – did you notice this guy first, or was it your friend. Be open to the possibility that her judgment about him impacted you in some way. If this is the case, the realization itself will probably help you in deciding if you want to get involved in a relationship that can end up as a love triangle that will emotionally hurt everyone involved.
Be honest about your feelings. Talk about it with your friend, and don’t try to massage the truth – if you only want to explore a physical relationship, or, in other words, simply have sex with that man, tell it like it is.
If you think there is a possibility of a longer, much deeper relationship, say it. Then, let her talk. Empathize, and try to put yourself in her shoes. Don’t diminish her feelings and exaggerate your own – if you’re attracted to that man because you want to have a one night stand, while she believes she is madly in love, don’t risk your friendship.
If this is the case, be prepared that the best outcome will leave you with one or several interesting nights of passion, but probably leave you without one friend.
Whatever you decide, it’s paramount to be prepared for the consequences. I can’t give you any advice about your final decision, but I can caution you by saying it will have lasting effects.
The worst possible outcome it to do nothing and let your feelings grow – by doing this you only risk the possibility of your friend becoming involved with this man while you slowly become more and more infatuated by him.
This can lead to an affair or you becoming unconsciously angry with your friend, or any other unhealthy option.
That is why you should deal with this situation while it’s still in it’s infancy. If you approach it openly and with understanding, you will surely figure out how to deal with your feelings about the man you and your best friend like.
I am a psychologist, author and a journalist, currently in training for a Gestalt therapy degree. I am mostly interested in emotional relationships and the process of change in people endlessly fascinates me. When I’m not working, I enjoy movies, novels, travel and snowboarding.
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