Hello and good morning – it’s a glorious new day. And you want to kill the alarm clock. So here are some funny good morning quotes to soothe your alarm clock massacre. And also soothe the idea of facing a brand new day without Valentino.
Such a killer, I know. I mean he should be there when you wake up, shouldn’t he? Not just when you are dreaming. Sigh.
Six o’clock already
I was just in the middle of a dream
I was kissin’ Valentino
By a crystal blue Italian stream
But I can’t be late
‘Cause then I guess I just won’t get paid
These are the days
When you wish your bed was already made
It’s just another manic Monday
I wish it was Sunday
~ Manic Monday, the Bangles
(For a very long time I thought they were singing about kissing Latinos, not Valentino. Nothing wrong with a few Latinos in your dreams let me tell you!)
Charming ladies in the morning
Winston Churchill may have been most famous for bringing Great Britain to victory in WWII, but he was also fabulously funny at times. At least he was funny when speaking to a certain Lady Astor, whom he happily despised, just as she happily despised him.
They must have been happy in their despising, because they were incredibly funny next to each other. Winston also points out why it is necessary to have mornings, after all.
Lady Astor: Sir, you’re drunk!
Winston Churchill: Yes, Madam, I am. But in the morning, I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
Lady Astor: If I were your wife, Sir Winston, I would poison your tea!
Churchill: If I were your husband, Lady Astor, I would drink it!
You may win a war, gentlemen, but it’s an entirely different thing to win a lady. Sometimes you might not even want to. At least if you’ve got your spectacles on. Without them you very well might.
Moral lesson? Wear glasses, especially if you are drunk. If you don’t have any, you might ask your sober friends’ opinion on anything you see, including slightly tipsy ladies. Especially if they mention they would love to poison your tea.
Getting to the office
Some of us are lucky and love our jobs; some of us are still looking for a promotion or a job that would actually make us happy. And some of us are just having a long day sometimes and feel like we are stuck. We are not alone in this.
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office. ~ Robert Frost
Tumble out of bed and stumble to the kitchen
Pour myself a cup of ambition
And yawn and stretch and try to come to life
Jump in the shower and the blood starts pumping
Out on the street the traffic starts jumping
With folks like me on the job from nine to five
~ Nine to Five, Dolly Parton
The lyrics to Nine to Five aren’t necessarily funny. Here it’s all about execution – i.e. you getting up on the nearest desk and singing along to Nine to Five, doing your best secretary with “a poodle perm” impression.
Don’t be afraid to sing it to your boss either – s/he might even get the hint and give you a raise. If s/he doesn’t, you could contemplate singing this every morning at the office.
Soon your co-workers will get the drift and start doing it too until your boss is ready to give you all a raise, or resign as s/he can no longer stand all the bleach blonde perms around the office. After all, a boss can only handle so much. Especially in the eighties perm department.
Pets are great, wonderful, marvelous, tail waggingly fabulous. And when they wake you up at 3am because they want to pee (and you should open the door for them immediately – how dare you just sleep like a normal human being, huh?) or they paw you at 5am because they think it’s time for breakfast (in bed, presumably), you seriously consider banning them from your bedroom. Until next time you need a cuddle, that is.
And let’s face it – your boyfriend probably can’t manage those puppy eyes or that perfect “meow” when you explain just how horrid your day was. If you’re lucky, he will take a moment to pause the sports though.
There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast. ~ Henry David Thoreaux
On the upside – when you really need to wake up, pets are even more effective than alarm clocks and only slightly less effective than kids. If you can’t stand mornings you will need an au pair or you will come to hate your kids. At least between 6am-9am every day. The rest of the day you will love them. Apart from when they decide to do all the things you told them not to do, naturally.
Check if you’re still alive
Ever awoken and had to ask yourself if you were still alive or dreaming? I know I’ve had moments thinking “Really? This isn’t just a nightmare, is it? It’s my life, huh?” On the flip side, I’ve many times awoken to what feels like a dream. Not to mention all the times I woke not knowing where I was. It’s the confusing bit of traveling.
So it may be best to check if you’re alive or if you took a trip to Heaven during the night. After all, it could be a bit hard knowing if you’re dead if you’ve never tried it before. Being dead that is.
I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up. ~ Benjamin Franklin
Benjamin Franklin looked for his name in the obituaries. A much better way to wake up, however, is looking for your name amongst the richest people in America.
If you can’t find yourself there, there’s either been a huge typo, whereby they accidentally erased your name and you must immediately call them to correct that, or you have to get up to ensure you finally end up on that list. With only minimal amounts of blood, sweat and tears, of course. What constitutes as minimal in this case may be debated.
Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work. ~ Robert Orben
It could be worth getting up in the morning because of this. Think about it this way: when you end up on that list, you will probably be able to have breakfast meetings with anyone you like. That includes being able to tell Obama your real thoughts about the Clintons and having a chat with DiCaprio about global warming.
You could potentially also meet with, and tell Sarah Pallin a thing or two about foreign policies. In case she’d ever try to run for president that is. You could save her from embarrassment number 503 after all. It would be the good deed of the day.
In fact, you could probably go back to bed after that. You are on Forbes list of America’s richest, so why not? Count money in your sleep.
Break up with your bed
There’s a problem having a relationship with your bed. The problem is that every night you sleep with it and every morning the world tears you apart from it.
True, you only have to be apart for so long, but you can’t bring it to the movies. Your boss would absolutely hate to see it at work. You can’t bring it to parties without offending the host(s). It’s most certainly not welcome at family reunions (though lord knows that’s when you need it the most). And the priest does not like seeing this divine union between you and your bed in church. God knows why.
And then. Then there is the alarm clock. The jealous one. The one that starts shouting and screaming and tearing you and your bed apart just as you are sharing this perfect dreamlike moment. Why is there always someone jealous trying to rip your relationship apart? That is the question. And what a question at that!
My bed and I have a special relationship; we’re perfect for each other. But my alarm clock just hates seeing us together. ~ Unknown
The morning kiss
I don’t know about you, but morning kisses can be quite the incentive to wake up; if not to get out of bed. The getting out of bed bit is hard no matter how you look upon it. Unless, of course, your boyfriend has a morning breath like a dog. In that case, you may get up. Or just tell him to brush his teeth whilst you are waiting. Why should you leave bed? That would be totally unnecessary, don’t you think?
I want to taste your lips, touch your teeth and feel your tongue every morning. That is what COLGATE says each and every morning. Brush before breakfast. ~ Unknown
Morning person at night
Some people have this unrealistic want to turn people into morning people. What’s their problem? How would they feel if someone tried pushing them out of bed at one am? That’s clearly how the not morning people feel at seven am.
Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one…only if morning began after noon. ~ Tony Smite
Tall, dark and handsome
If you found someone tall dark and handsome in your bed, it could constitute problems in getting out of bed, then again, it may actually help you get up.
Don’t be dirty. I’m referring to your coffee here. In the morning you will want it tall, dark and handsome.
Your boyfriend? In the mooring you either want him out of bed or lethally boring. How else could he possibly help you get out of bed? Being cute most certainly won’t help. And if he’s tall dark and handsome, you might as well tell your boss you will be one hour late. Permanently!
Dressing for the day
Oscar de la Renta said you should “Walk like you have three men walking behind you.” Whilst that’s sometimes complicated (he clearly had no clue what it’s like trying to get through a supermarket in rush hour) you should most certainly dress as if you had three men behind you and maybe a few in front of you.
Would totally spoil your look if you forgot to dress the front, wouldn’t it? Might have a few men faint too, which would be a real nuisance as you’d keep stumbling over them and could most certainly not walk like you had three men behind you if you did.
I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you’re really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you’re saying: ‘Hope I don’t get chased today.’ ‘Be nice to people in sneakers.’ ~ Demetri Martin
Below you will find some funny sayings about mornings, just in case the previously mentioned ones weren’t enough to have you in stitches.
I don’t like the morning, because it starts when I’m still asleep.
The alarm is on in the morning not because the windshield is busted, but the windshield is busted because the alarm is on in the morning.
Insomnia is not a problem; a problem is when you don’t know why you get up in the morning.
Morning paradox – it takes forever to fall asleep and only a second to fall asleep in the morning.
Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well.
In the morning: I’m sorry, it was very dark, I didn’t notice.
Sleep faster, I need the pillow.
God created the sleep, and the devil created an alarm clock.
The one, who snores, is the first one to fall asleep.
The mind is a wonderful thing: it wakes up when you do and falls asleep when you reach the office.
If I offer her to sleep over, she might misunderstand. And she will be right.
Is this me, or today I will again go to sleep tomorrow.
I lack sleep: are the nights so short, or do I sleep so fast?
I think I’m allergic to morning.
I hope this cheered you up and eased you into your morning a little. If you know about any other funny good morning quotes, feel free to share them in the comment section below.