5 Steps Towards Creating an Unhappy Family

Tolstoy once said that happy families are all alike, while every unhappy family is unhappy in it’s own way. I hate to disagree with this literary genius, but just like everything in life, there is a certain pattern in unhappiness in general, including unhappy families. So, if you're for some reason wondering how this exactly works, let me guide you through 5 steps towards creating an unhappy family.

Step 1: Don’t Be Quite Sure about What You Want

Let alone accomplish what you want! That would really stop you from becoming one of those Jerry Springer families. Be insecure – that always helps. Self-esteem could hurt your plans of starting a disfunctional family.

Instead, try being immature (has nothing to do with age, you can be immature at 40, even 70). Being self-centred wouldn’t hurt at all! Try not paying much attention to what anyone else is doing or thinking. If you can’t be insecure, be the exact opposite. Believe you’re always right, don’t even try listening to what other people have to say.

Step 2: Get Married

Or at least find a partner. Getting married because you’re pregnant is always a great idea. But, this may come as a shock to you – getting married because you’re in love is also a great way to start a disfunctional family.

So, he gets high – but his eyes are beautiful! So, he’s lazy – but the way he looks at you while laying on the couch! Yes, he’s great fan of whiskey – but the way he pronounces “Jack Daniels” makes him sound so refind! This perspective on choosing your life partner is always a good one! While infuenced by your hormones, try to blur the objective image of him as much as you can.

Step 3: Have Kids

And don’t be quite ready for having them. While raising them, try working as hard as possible to keep the family afloat financially. That will keep you away from thinking about how happy you are (not).

Pay bills and very little attention to what your kids are thinking or doing. Ask them about school once in a while – that’s enough talk! Have too many problems to notice your kids growing up.

Step 4: Denial

Denial is the key to creating a chaotic family situation. Deny you and your husband hardly ever have sex. Deny your kids are kind of a mess. Maybe your daughter is suicidal and depressed? Your son is the worst student in his class? Why bother noticing – denial is amazing. Try not noticing how distant everyone is lately, or how nobody’s happy anymore. If it’s too hard to deny that, start drinking, it will help.

Step 5: Become Hopeless

crying young woman having financial problems

Now that you’ve done it all, notice how you, your husband and your kids are unbearebly unhappy. Don’t be sure about how you can fix the situation. Be afraid of starting over. Start telling your husband that – start fighting and blame everything on him.

As a gentleman, he’ll return the favour. Keep going back and forth with all the same things. Wake up, deny everything, have an epiphany, then, deny that… Spin the circle!

Congratulations – you’ve completed the 5 steps. See how easy it was? Anyone can do it!

About the author


Those who can’t do teach – same with me giving you love advice. I like jazz and the theatre, old movies that I watch while drinking wine, but most of all I like love and smiles.

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