Relationships

Sometimes, YOU Are The Problem In The Relationship

If your relationship isn’t working out, it’s necessary to step back and reevaluate the reasons why. Here’s how to tell if you are the one causing the problem

It’s not always easy to pinpoint the problem in your relationship. Everything seemed great in the beginning, but lately, it hasn’t been too good and you can’t figure out the reason for it.

Naturally, you start looking at your partner’s behavior and start assuming that they’re the one responsible for the relationship going south.

But perhaps they’re not the only one responsible. Take a step back and look at yourself. Sometimes, you don’t see the problem that’s staring you right in the face. And that problem might be you.

Read on to find out how to spot the signs that you’re sabotaging your relationship.

You keep bringing up the past

young couple fighting at a table during breakfast


He'll give his heart to the first woman who does this...


It’s unfair for both you and your partner if you keep being reminded of things that happened in the past.

Understandably, you might still be hurting over something that happened in the past, but you’re not going to fix the problems in your relationship by having the same arguments.

When you keep having fights about the same thing, it speaks volumes about your relationship. It becomes less about what you’re arguing about, and more about your feelings towards your partner.

But sooner or later, your partner will grow tired of you trying to win every argument. It shouldn’t be about winning, it should be about resolving whatever problem there is.

Sometimes, you have to accept when you’re right and when you’re wrong and simply move on from it.

You want everything to be perfect

The downside to expecting “perfection” in a relationship is that you’re setting yourself up for disappointment.

You’re not perfect and neither is your partner, therefore your relationship won’t be perfect either. And that’s a really good thing. If everything about your relationship was exactly how it’s supposed to be, then there would be no room for change or growth.

There will be so many times when you will argue and disagree on things but you shouldn’t take that as a sign that the relationship is failing. If anything, it shows that you are growing together.

As soon as you let go of this idea of a “perfect relationship” you will start to appreciate your relationship for what it is.

You haven’t moved on from past relationships

young woman sitting on a couch thinking about something

It’s difficult to focus on your current relationship when you keep comparing it to past relationships.

After a breakup, it’s normal to block out the bad parts and only remember the good things, so naturally, when you have an argument with your partner you start thinking about your former relationships.

It’s important to remember that the grass is not always greener. No relationship is ever the same, so instead of comparing someone’s relationship to your present relationship, try and focus on what’s happening right now. You can look back on the past but you can’t live there.

It’s not balanced

If you’re not putting in the same amount of effort as your significant other, it’s going to put a strain on your relationship.

This is where you need to clearly communicate with them about what you expect from the relationship so you can find a healthy balance. It’s not fair to expect one person to put in all of the work.

If you are taking more than you are giving then you need to reevaluate how you feel about your relationship. Are you happy or are you settling? The sooner you figure that out, the better.

You talk about your relationship on your social media

woman using social media on her cell phone

Social media can play a huge role in your relationship depending on how you use it.

If you use social media to share personal details about your relationship or to let off some steam after an argument, it’s going to end badly for both of you.

When you’re frustrated or angry, your first instinct might be to pick up your phone and complain about your partner to your friends. But this will likely lead to a lot of negative feelings.

Think of it like this – how would you feel if you heard your partner saying those things about you?

Instead of turning to social media to vent your frustrations, spend some time by yourself and think about your feelings towards your relationship. At least this way you’ll be facing the problem head on.

You try to change your partner

At the start of the relationship, you loved everything about your significant other. Or that’s what you thought.

Now, the things that attracted you, in the beginning, are the same things that you find irritating. You love them but you can’t help but think that you’d love them even more if they changed certain aspects of who they are.

But nothing good ever comes out of trying to change someone.
It’s not likely that your partner will change for you and it’s unfair to expect them to. You’re creating a problem out of nothing by trying to shape them into your “ideal partner” which is very damaging to your relationship.

You’re probably not going to love every little thing about your partner, but that shouldn’t be a problem. You need to accept their flaws because that’s something you will never be able to change.

You don’t understand boundaries

young woman checking on her boyfriends cell phone while he is sleeping

It’s very important to establish boundaries in a relationship. No two people are the same, so you might be causing problems without even realizing it.

Perhaps your partner likes a lot of space, but your constant need to talk to him is overwhelming. If you avoid having these conversations, you will never understand your partner’s needs which can cause a lot of problems in your relationship.

The same applies to looking through each other’s phones. If your partner isn’t happy with this, then that’s something that you have to accept.

Ignoring what they’ve said and snooping through their phone shows a genuine lack of trust and respect.

A healthy relationship is based on a good level of communication. Without that, it’s not likely to last.

You don’t show appreciation for your partner

When you get comfortable with someone, you can forget to show gratitude and appreciation for all of the things they do for you.

Sometimes, this makes them feel like they’re being taken for granted or underappreciated in the relationship. They’re not a mind reader, so it’s up to you to let them know how you feel.

You’re unhappy with yourself

woman looking at herself in a mirror

Despite it being out of your control, your negative feelings about yourself are likely to seep through into your relationship.

Perhaps you feel like you don’t deserve any happiness, so instead, you keep pushing your partner away.

If you’re unhappy with other aspects of your life it’s bound to impact your relationship in a really bad way.

You will start putting less effort into your relationship and this can make your partner start doubting your feelings for them.

It’s a difficult situation but the best way to prevent your own personal issues from destroying your relationship is to talk to them about it.

Explain to them that it’s about how you feel about yourself and not about how you feel about them. And if they love you they will understand and, hopefully, you can work on it together.

About the author

Coralle Panrucker

Coralle is a freelance writer and blogger who talks about various topics from relationships, love, health and freelance writing. She's currently writing a book.

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