I’m In Love with a Married Man: Can an Affair Work Out

If you are in love with a married man and don’t know how to deal with it, you should think about what you could get out of it and if it’s enough for you.

You’re at a boring office party and as you’re trying to figure out how you can discretely leave, a man, the very definition of tall, dark and handsome, walks in and you’re captivated. You talk throughout the night and regrettably you have to wrap up your conversation as the party ends.

You lie awake all night thinking about this mesmerizing creature and you’re exhausted for work the next morning. But you don’t care; you’re walking on cloud nine. You try to pry out some information about him, but talk around the water cooler begets the most terrible news. He’s married.

Married people occasionally experience feelings for someone else. Sometimes, these emotions can develop into something more serious, like an affair. But how can you know if he’s just being friendly or if he has real feelings for you?

Here’s how to spot the signs a married man is attracted to you and what to do in that situation.

So, now what?

So what do we do when we fall in love with a married man? Do we start an affair or do we walk away and never know what may have been. There is so much information about how to be a successful mistress and how exciting all the sneaking around is, but no one ever mentions what happens after the fun and games are over. I’m going to give you the stark truth, probably the truth you don’t want to hear. Don’t have an affair; it’s not worth the effort!

The best thing to do is to just walk away. I believe that when things are meant to be, they work out with ease. An affair is the complete opposite of ‘ease.’

So, besides the obvious moral dilemma, why exactly is having an affair such a bad idea? Well, I have a few reasons… actually I have many.

1. There is no future for it

Young couple in a convertible car taking a break

Our affairs are doomed. Most affairs don’t last longer than a year. If our relationship does make it past the year, he still isn’t going to leave his wife for you. Only 1 to 10% of men that have affairs leave their wives for their mistresses. Those are terrible odds! So just looking at those statistics, why would we even bother, looks like a sure way to court misery.

2. Cheaters are going to cheat

The basic rule has always been, if he cheats with us he will cheat on us. That old adage is now backed by science (yay! science). A study by the University of South Alabama found that men that do leave their partners for their mistresses end up cheating on them as well. That is not comforting news. So beating the odds and having him leave his wife for us, isn’t even enough.

3. There are so many secrets and it gets lonely

We can’t celebrate our relationship with our family and friends, because we have to keep it a secret.

We can’t hold their hand or kiss in public. For Pete’s sake, we can’t even hug without worrying that someone could see us. While all the while, we have to watch people walk by sharing that special intimacy, declaring their love for all to see. It’s a relationship that’s limited and hidden away.

We can’t even hold out for that day were we can truly be together, because it’s not coming. He is not going to leave her. So, essentially, all the loneliness that we endured doesn’t even count for anything.

4. His wife always comes first

When she calls, he will leave us and go to her. When she needs him, he will support her. We come last because we have no legitimacy in comparison to a marriage. This sucks, immensely! Our needs aren’t going to be fully met. We aren’t going to have that same sense of security within our relationship that other people take for granted.

5. We’re sharing him

Let’s not fool ourselves into thinking that he’s not having sex with her, he is. Did you know that when a man is having an affair, his sex drive revs up and he has more sex with his wife? The way I see it, knowing he’s having sex with his wife, feels as if he’s cheating on me. Not logical, but it still hurts.

6. Men cheat for sex

Sexy young couple lay in bed

Although women may cheat because we want an emotional connection, men tend to cheat for purely physical reasons. So just from this, we’re not having this affair for the same reason. Admittedly, this makes me feel used. On the bright side, at least now we know.

So it’s important to keep in mind that an affair doesn’t mean that he is overcome with emotion and simply can’t be without you (as much as we would love for that to be true). He is most likely just having a sexual adventure.

7. He is happy with his marriage

Surprisingly, when men who have cheated are asked if they’re happy in their marriages, over half say yes. Dr Susan Mandel, a family therapist, says that men cheat as a way of fixing their marriages.

Men know that there is something wrong with their marriage. So they attempt to plug those holes up by alleviating their sexual frustration, then they’re able to look past the problems in their marriage. This probably isn’t the best way to fix a marriage, but hey, what would I know.

We have to also remember that people don’t like change. If he has been with his wife for several years then they’re used to each other’s idiosyncrasies. He is willing to put up with all the things he doesn’t like about his wife. That’s why he hasn’t left her already.

8. Is it really love?

Call me naïve, but I still believe that love should be that all-consuming desire that you feel for someone. I don’t necessarily mean physical desire, but that need to constantly be in that persons presence, to be simply able to enjoy the experience of being with them.

Although we may love someone that’s already married, that doesn’t mean that he loves us in return. He isn’t constantly texting or calling us, he isn’t coming over to simply watch a movie so that he can be near us, and he isn’t merely enjoying our presence at every possible occasion. What is really happening is that we’re just squeezing in time for each other, probably in a secluded place.

Call me selfish, but I want it all, I want the hand holding, the nauseating displays of affection, the constant need to be near each other. I want the all-consuming honeymoon period. I feel that an affair cheapens that experience, we don’t get to fully experience that period of pure bliss were you want to proclaim your love from the roof tops.

He may tell us that he loves us and that he’ll leave his wife, but I have always believed that words mean nothing. True meaning lies within actions. What has he done that shows us that he actually wants us and not an affair on the side?

But he’s the one.

Many of us may be asking ourselves, “what if he is the one?” Personally, I don’t believe that there is such a thing as the destined one. We decide who the one is: You and me. Just because you love him doesn’t mean that you won’t find someone else, and if he’s married he’s probably not that big of a catch anyway. Anyone can cheat; the goal is to find someone that wants only you.

But I really love him

Stunning sensual outdoor portrait of young stylish fashion couple posing in summer in field

Some of us might already be in the middle of an affair and I would put forth the question, what do you want from your life? Are you happy? Is this what you want? If you want more and the answers to the other questions are no, then although it may hurt like a bad wax day, we have to leave. Not because we don’t love them, but because we deserve someone that wants only us, we deserve someone that believes the sun rises and sets with us. We are important.

Don’t get me wrong, the decision to end an affair is a difficult and painful one. There will be tears and regrets, but we will finally come out of it on the other side, having learnt something valuable. That we won’t settle for just anyone, let alone someone who can’t even be monogamous.

We can beat the odds

The thing is, even if we beat the odds of our affair lasting more than a year, we still have to deal with the fact that cheaters are going to cheat. So sure, we may have snagged our guy but now what?

Do we start looking through his things to make sure he’s not cheating? Do we constantly harass him about his whereabouts? Or do we go in for a nice snuggle and instead do the sniff test to make sure we can’t smell another woman’s perfume? Honestly, who wants to live that way?

So the point isn’t whether or not we can get the man, but whether we can keep him, and whether we honestly want to keep him. Just seems like a relationship not worth the hassle.

How do I get over him?

1. Spring clean

This will be a long and bumpy journey, but we will get through this. The first thing we should do is to get rid of anything that reminds us of him, no excuses. We have to be honest with ourselves. We have to throw out all those gifts and keep sakes he gave us.

I don’t deny that it will be a difficult feat, but great strides in personal development take resolve that we’re going to need to muster. A simple rule is if it’s valuable, pawn it, nothing like the smell of cold hard cash to lift our spirits during the cry fest that’s surely about to begin.

2. Communication blackout

We need to cut off all communication with him, so that we’re allowed to get over him. Delete his number, defriend him on Facebook, unfollow him on twitter, delete his texts – just get rid of him.

Proximity equals bad. If we happen to work with him or our paths naturally cross, it will be harder.

All we need to do is keep that contact at a minimum, just abruptly end the conversation and walk away. That’s all it takes. Don’t worry about being rude, this is our healing time. Sooner or later he’ll get the hint. If going cold turkey is too hard for us, then we’ll take it one step at a time.

Maybe only defriend him on Facebook, but keep everything else for a while until we’re ready to do something else. We have to take the pace that works for us, there’s no need to push it too hard too soon.

3. What do you want from life

The best way to never have to go through the ordeal of an affair again, is to simply avoid them like the plague. To do that we have to evaluate what we want from life, what kind of a person do we want to be? Do we want to be strong and independent? Will we be the type of person that refuses to settle? Will we be the kind of person that has enough wisdom to stop this from happening again?

Once we’ve answered these questions, we can begin to ask them about what kind of a man do we want? What kind of morals will he have? What will his character be like? From these questions we can then tell the difference between men that do and don’t have affairs, and then we’ll go for the non-cheating type. Or not, that could be your thing.

All in all…

All in all, the best way to avoid this ridiculous mess, no exaggeration, is to not involve ourselves to begin with. Yes, he may be an absolute ‘dream boat’, but the thing about ‘dream boats’ is that it’s all about perception. It’s like when you meet someone and you think their decently attractive, but then they speak and they say the most amazing and poetic things and they start looking like Hugh Jackman.

If we find the idea of married men a major turn off, then all those ‘dream boats’ will just melt away and we’ll be left with a simple cheating husband. If we’re still interested after that, then that’s an entirely different story.

What if you’re married but in love with another man?

It happens. Women believe they found “the one” and married “the one” only to realize “the one” isn’t “the one.” Consequently, these women fall in love with someone else during the marriage.

Think about where the attraction comes from because that is where the temptation started. What is he doing wrong in your marriage that you desire for another man?

What are you doing wrong in this marriage that you want to leave? It makes sense to explore these questions.

Answer the questions truthfully and be aware that there is no incorrect response. Your responses will help you understand the flaws in marriage.

This article exposes the controversial trend by going in depth.

About the author


I love to read and follow up on social justice issues. In my spare time I like to sew and make jewelry while watching crime shows. I would have to say at heart I'm a free spirit with a sense of adventure.


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  • Hello my name is Mary
    I have had a relationship with a married man for 10 years it has been good at times and not good at others times. it’s getting harder and harder now since he was working from home when we hardly get to see each other as much as we used to when he was working his own business. but as I said he is now working from home and yes she is at home all the time so it makes it harder. we’ve had our fights about leaving but we just can’t do it I just can’t leave them I love this man for 10 years and have been have an affair with him. ever since he’s been working from home is very hard. I know sooner or later it will have to leave him. but this is so hard I know all about him and know that he will not be leaving her .but that does not stop me from loving him and wanted to be with him all the time even though I know we can’t this past year has been really hard on me.I told one person a friend of mine about this she no longer lives in Texas and she knows my whole story about this. this is very hard I’m not sure if I’m going to leave him.This past year has been very hard.

    • Hi Mary, I understand you as I am also having ann affair with a married man since 5 month and i feel i love him also, is hard to leave him, but just today when i said i was leaving a dream that i wish i never wake up. he replied me yes you better wake up
      So that was the drop of water for me to asked myself “what am I doing?” My tip is be strong try go out with friend try meet someone else and forget about him unless he leave shis wife right now today. The onlyone who will be more heart if you stay, is yourself, sometimes we need to think in ourselfs. Good luck!!

    • Hi Mary,
      I’m the Author. Yea it looks like you’re in a bit of a jam. These situations can be tough. All I can really say is that although you’ve been with him for 10 years, he has never really given you a commitment. This man is not going to leave his wife for you, if it’s been 10 years and his still keeping you waiting then nothing is going to come from this. I’m really glad that you’ve come to the conclusion that you’re going to need to leave him at one point. That’s a great first start. I would recommend that you slowly start distancing yourself from him by not being as available, for example if he calls don’t answer. Just practise that for a little bit until it is bearable to even imagine leaving him. You deserve a happy, complete, and full life with someone!
      Wishing you infinite happiness,

  • Hello, I came across your article when trying to research what do I do now? I just had an affair with a married man? Mine has not lasted long but I feel myself hurting so much already. We met on the phone as he was my interviewer for a job. We hit it off and a few weeks went by and we talked again since I had some more questions about the company. That led to us emailing back and forth then texting for a couple weeks. We met for dinner and I hate to say it but it was perfect. We got along on all levels of humor, intellect, religion, etc. Sex followed dinner. I felt like crap after we parted ways because I am a Christian girl who would never do such a thing. Its like I use his excuse for not being in love with his wife as my excuse. He married a girl he got pregnant when they met on spring break 17 yrs ago. Apparently even his brother has been on his case to end the marriage. We are completely honest with each other. I’ve asked him how often he flirts with women, has he had an affair (yes in 2008 for 9 months and asked for a divorce and wife pleaded with him to stay so he did) I told him I am no one’s mistress. He said he doesn’t want to stop talking to me because he would really use my “strong opinionated female voice” that he does not have in his marriage while he works through his “situation”. I don’t know what to do or maybe I do but I feel like crap cutting off communication. When I read articles about being the other woman it makes me feel used and I guess I’m not special etc.. I brought that up to him and of course he doesn’t side with the majority of what’s said about this topic.

  • Hi I had an affair with a married man for six years. He tells that he loves me too but never do anything for me. He used me for money and enjoyed with his wife.

    Now I’m depressed and trying to make things for me. I need to help other ladies who got trapped like me in their lives.

  • So I’m the exception to the rules: I dated a married man who eventually left his wife for me. I don’t know if he would have left with out getting caught but once she found out (I called her), he left. And he said my call to her was the best thing that happened to him because he was miserable in the marriage. I believe in my heart of hearts that people cheat in order to get caught. And everything happens for a reason. If it’s meant to be, then it will be. But don’t make it easy for him to hide you.

    We dated for 5 happy years after that, and I eventually left him. But now, I have done it again…in love with a married man but this time the man is a dad to several young children. So I don’t think I’ll be as lucky this time around.

  • After my last break up (that angel nearly destroyed me), I did not want to commit to any relationship but as a woman, I have needs. I created a profile on AM and pretended to be married. I met two men, one is a very sweet and smart man. Great in bed, generous lover but we never kiss. I prefer it that way. He is romantic in choosing the location each time. He meet for drinks and hit the hotel, have an amazing time then finish the day with talking and site seeing.
    The other man I met, from the instant I laid eyes on him, I was hooked. I was immediately comfortable speaking, touching, caressing and kissing him. We talked about our situations (he believes I am married and my husband is away at work).
    After our second encounter, I knew I was falling deep for him and I knew I couldn’t go down that road. I wanted to discuss with him about why I needed to pull away but he wasn’t available as anticipated. I wanted to meet for coffee and a conversation but something always came up.
    I started to be distance, not text him as much as I would but he caught on.
    I finally had to tell him about my emotional attachment towards him and told him about not being married at all. I told him that I could not be his lover any longer and he was not happy. He actually was hurt or mad…..couldn’t really tell from his text messages.
    I asked to meet so I can discuss my reason for cutting ties but he would not allow it due to his hurt. We are to finally meet tomorrow nite to have this chat. I don’t know what or how he will take it or what his reaction will be but its hurting me to know that I will no longer have him.
    I have never felt such a connection with anyone like this before. Its not just the intimacy that is wonderful but how we talked and felt for each other. He did say that he too unexpectedly and inadvertently fell in love with me too.
    I don’t know if he is really being sincere or confusing infatuation with being in love.
    God I hate this….I wish he was mine.

  • Am having an affair with a maaried man for 3years now I love him so much and he says he loves me to but he is very older than me I don’t know what to do,if I just start thinking I should let him go and move on it feels like am breaking in a million pieces I can’t imagine my life without him even if he’s more with his wife than with me I know we don’t have much of a future together I can’t let him go we fight constantly about his wife and why he doesn’t want to leave her and it hearts my heart what should I do?

  • Dating a married man is complete no. In the beginning everything seems to be quite rosy, however that is a false picture. Sooner or later he realizes that his kids and wife are everything for him and he did a mistake by proposing you. He will change for sure, and if you get too sentimental believe you me you will never be able to come out of this.

  • 7 Months was the duration of my affair with a married man whom I work with, he moved in with me for a week and ran back home to his wife. I was obliterated and decided to call her and inform her, appears that he has been doing it a while…. Problem is our offices are opposite one another, so the first week was tough, I felt like I was not going to make it. I made an appointment to see my GP as I needed the support, she put me on some temporary anti depressants and something to help me sleep. Second week got easier, I found that writing him letters explaining my feelings helped – even though I never gave them to him. Next week will be week 3, I am sure that I will be over it by then. Even if you pretend that you are happy when you are dying inside, do it, the least attractive thing to these men is you running after them, pining for them, begging them and being a wreck…. It makes it easier for them to walk all over you and smile. Yes he goes back to his wife every night, accept it! Yes he is still having sex with her, you are a special sort of DUMB if you believe he is not! Yes he will jump sky high if she calls him, you know it you have seen him so it in your presence….. I was madly in love with this man, believed all the soulmate nonsense he fed me, the gifts were quite welcoming too and I believed that he does that because he loves me so much! But that is how they hook you and keep you, you need to close your eyes and cut the ties between you, delete the number even though you know it by heart, delete the messages, throw his clothes that are at your house in the trash, throw away the toothbrush the body cream, the deodorant that you smell and cry because it reminds you of him. ALT CTRL DLTE him out of your mind, keep yourself busy, don’t take his phone calls, and if you must then be confident, be assertive, be beautiful, but don’t be needy and fall for the first sweet apology that he makes and let him come over, all he wants to do is have sex with you, his words are driven by the fire growing in his pants, and once you have put it out, his is out the door too….. Start valuing yourself! Start respecting yourself!

  • I am a mid 50’s professional man married for 19 years.
    The marriage is more like playing house rather than a “true” marriage, with poor communication, and no intimacy/sex for now 8 years. This is my fault as I had misgivings as my wedding day loomed and in fact through the latter part of the courtship. I married more out of fear of being left aside but my now wife was and still is very nice but there are obvious problems but we learned to live with it.
    Anyway, a high school sweetheart messaged me on Skype after 30 year hiatus without communication. She was a girl I was very much in love with back then and I started to fall back in love after that initial communication. Rather then block her, I just wanted to know about a few things that went on back then, like why it didn’t work out. but before long I fell smack bang in love with her. The relationship went on for a while to the point where I came ever so close to ending my marriage. BUt i didn’t, one because I just couldn’t do it to my wife, and secondly because of the potential fallout, financial and family etc.. I explained all this to my ‘girlfriend’ . She was upset but understanding, which made me fall in love even more…. I don’t have children and am a self employed professional, reasonably stable financially, whilst she had two children from a divorce (the husband turned out to be a quasi-sociopath who committed suicide some time later), and was living at home with her parents and worked in a low paid part time job. All this came into consideration for the break up as I thought she was grasping at straws for security – turns out I was wrong about that. She now is in full time employment and owns a house that was inherited from the death of her parents not long ago.
    We resumed our relationship a few times, off and on over 5 years with a few months break in between. We resumed it again recently after a 3 year break, at my instigation with a “hello how have you been” message around Christmas time…this time the relationship lasted 10 months with the same result…only this time. she was more vocal about her unhappiness….and the reason I am writing this, is because the whole thing was almost word for word from the points outlined in this webpage….however, I was not having sex at home with my wife…nor have I cheated elsewhere nor do I want to cheat elsewhere….so there are some exceptions….
    I still am in love with this woman…she is intelligent, attractive, very family oriented with strong ethics about life and work, 6 months older than me (my wife is 8 years younger and the difference in maturity is obvious), the sexual encounters are passionate and wonderful, as has been the conversation and multiple texting, messaging, phone calls… but none of the movie watching or walking down the street holding hands which she has mentioned that she would so much want to do as described on the webpage, …and believe me I want to as well.
    Sometimes I wished she had knocked on the door and broke open the secret like she once threatened to do. I didn’t have the heart to do it….But she said she would never do such a thing.
    The marriage has problems. That is a separate issue although and the affair is a symptom of that….Mine is technically an affair. but it was a long lost love returned. Still wrong, still immoral…and I feel like a dog for hurting one person, and having cheated on my wife whether for love or purely sexual satisfaction (which it was not, wonderful though that was).
    But reading the article on this page, I thought my girlfriend had printed it out and recited it to me….No I haven’t broken up with my wife but I would like to if wasn’t going to be so painful…bless her. A relationship shouldn’t be hard work in my opinion. If it’s that much hard work then something is fundamentally wrong. It’s easy to say then get a divorce, but it can be quite messy. It would be much less difficult if the partner was a horrible person. There is very little love in the marriage but it is civil and and we look after each other and do quite a bit for each other. But I do love the girlfriend and she states that she would love to share her life with me but she needs to be the first choice. We have only very recently separated again although this time it’s more definite for the reasons outlined on the website, and I know I mustn’t contact her again unless I’m prepared to go to the next stage, something she has also said to me.
    As I say to people, firstly don’t get married for the wrong reason, and if you are married, don’t have an affair!! ..If the affair does end, it will likely end badly especially for the one who’s not married and likely drive an even bigger wedge into a marriage that already has significant cracks in it.

  • I have an affair for over 2 years and has been living home for one year.. I am well and confused as i have started to see someone else. A single person..but my married BF won’t let me go although i have cheated on him with someone else knowingly to him. He and his wife separated…they have kids together so he visit 3 times per year. We spend all of our time together everyday….i do everything for him..wash, cook and clean. My question is
    ” Why would he still be with me after i have cheated, lied to him, mislead him?” He shows alot of interest in my education, my career and everything else.

  • Hello My name is Sparkle,
    I am having a relationship with a married man for a little over two years. During this time we have lived home for one year and counting. He has two kids with his wife but they are not living together. He visits three times per year for the sake of his kids..or so he say. His wife knows about my relationship with him because she has been sending me emails stating that she does not hate me- i have never responded to any. Things have been pretty good with us until things went down hill after i cheated on him and told him after, hoping that he would leave but it was when he held on even more. (He has also cheated, i went home a few times, saw condom pack in the bedroom, make up on his shirt, sanitary napkins in the bin, panty in his room while cleaning) All of which i confronted him about. He claimed that those are his nieces own. Nevertheless, i give him the benefit of the doubt and let it go. His entire work place knows that i am his GF, i get to go almost anywhere with him, he shows alot of attention to me and my job, my career, my education, my family life. After i admit to him of what i did, he cried almost daily for over three weeks begging me not to leave although i was willing and prepared to walk out. My question is why does he still wants to continue?

  • Hi. I had an affair for three months. This guy, I’ve known him for a year and we started dating when he wasnt married yet. He was in a long term and long distance relationship with his girlfriend. He went back home and I didnt know he got married. I only found out about it with his sister but we still continue the relationship.

    I find everything in this article spot on. We started to keep our relationship a was kinda thrilling when you sneak out..but it hurts alot too when you realized that he’s just using you as someone to cover up when he’s serious relationship isnt around. I am glad I was able to end the relationship sooner because if it took will be so difficult to move away from him. We’re workmates and it’s so hard to pretend like nothing happened..but I have to..because no one deserves to be treated that way.

  • Hi i am having an affair with a married man as well it sucks because at first he lied about being married but then it all came out and we stopped talking for awhile and then we started talking again and then we stopped talking for a while again and it’s like we can’t stay away from each other and I know I love him but I have to love myself more you know and I feel like he met my daughter she loves him too but I don’t know if you love me and you know the part about the guy using you for sex and I feel like that’s true maybe but I know that there’s a day that we just hang out and we don’t have sex but I don’t know it’s so hard to be in a relationship like this and I never thought that it will be me always thought that my standards are so high especially since I’m a Christian and the morals that I feel that’s why it’s harder to let go because you feel like you given up so much for this person and they haven’t given you anything it’s like you’re waiting for what you deserve but in your heart you know it will never come it’s hard ladies it really is hard but it’s not like there’s more to life there’s a man that will love us the way we were supposed to be love we just have to have the strength to walk away and that’s what I’m trying to do get the strength to walk away it’s hard because we work together so we see each other and it’s hard but we have to do it

  • Hi. I’m so glad I came across this article. I’ve been having an affair with a married man for a year and a half. We work together. We were friends but got closer. We’ve come to the point where we’ve both fallen for each other. We did not expect that. He knows I will meet someone soon one day and I know he will have kids with his wife one day and won’t leave her. But we don’t want to think or talk about it. The thought of us parting kills us both. How did you women find the strength to do it? I’m so emotional because I know I have to end things. How do you survive after this? How do you cope seeing them at work or in a social setting? Why am I not good enough for him? I’ve been on dates (he is unaware because he can’t stand the thought of me being or sleeping with someone else) but keep comparing them to him. Im torn. Sigh

  • In 2014 I met one man we became friends then we both fell in love with each other I was truly in love with him he was also very caring about me but he gets married before his marriage he told me that he is forced to marry by his father after fixing his marriage I heartily decided to stay away from him but even after 5 days ofmarriage his loves continue he apology to me but I knew it was not right so always try to stay away from him also get very hurt he says that still today he loves me but I reject it and now he wants to be my good friend he requested to me for becoming good friends I don’t know what to do I am so depressed I am suffering the pain of not forgetting him since two years but my endurance power can’t work please give me right advice for always

  • i can’t leave him. …
    He also don’t want to miss me…
    it is too much pain full for both of us. ….
    neither i can leave him nor he…
    but still he does not ready to divorce his wife. .
    what should i do. ..?

  • I just started an affair and i am not happy, is been four months and i always want a way out.
    Thanks for sharing this with me

  • hi.. Iam a married women with a 6 yr old.i ve a wonderful husband and he is staying Iin abroad for almost 3 years.. he visit home once In six months.. even if he come here we wont have frequent sex wit each other.. and thereby I ve more annoying days. and i had a miscarriage too..meanwhile I met my childhood friend thro chat…. we use to talk thro mails or messages.. he also lives at abroad.. everyday conversation led to show our attractions to each other..he also got married but no kids.. and thereby felt love wit me .. care for me and my son very much..he feels true in his the same time he doesnt want to leave his present life and me also the same.. but he wants to ve kiss, hug and sex wit me for only once wen he cums back here from abroad and go back. I too have feeling for him.. but at the same time I dont want to leave my husb and family.. iam in great confusion .. if v have done this for once then my friend felt to move on to their own lives but still feel the love in his heart forever.. I dont know to fullfill his choice or to just go on as like friends forever.. pls helpme what should I do..

  • In tumultuous marriage for 40+ years and in sexless marriage. Had a three year emotional affair with man 3k miles away through skype & emails & gifts. He died suddenly and the grief I felt was horrible. Two years later I was seduced by an old classmate (who I always considered a nice man) asked me out for coffee & boldly kissed me , a week later he asked to meet for coffee again. We met at the park & talked then again. He just blurted out after an hour of connecting if I wanted to have an affair? I was flabbergasted and didn’t know how to respond. He then french kissed me and we said our good byes. He contacted me the third time & met me at my house and started passionately kissing me like I haven’t been kissed in 40+ years… it lead to sex. My husband was mostly a selfish lover but then stopped altogether 5 years ago. I started using a vibrator for release. My new friend had ED but was orally satisfying and because of many insecurities I had (body image/scars etc), he made me feel alive and whole. Afterwards, I had many reasons why he was not right for me, but still responded to his emails & date to see each other 6 more times. Having sex 4 different times. I found I was the one opening up with my life and feelings and he was somewhat “guarded”. Met at his house when his wife was out of state and had wonderful time. Altogether it was just short of 3 months. The last I heard from him was through a nice romantic email a day after he phoned me. He promised to call me 2 days later. Nothing. All email and Facebook comments stopped, but he is still commenting on others FB posts. One of the only things I asked from this man, was to promise me he would never just “disappear” and he promised me he would be honest with me. That’s what hurts the most. Why do people feel they can do that after sharing such intimacies? Any comments appreciated.

    • I would email him and explain how you feel and say if he wanted to end it he needed to at least meet and explain or call or something and not just leave you hanging and wondering if you had been “used” or had done something wrong. Tell him you at least deserve that.

  • Love of my life got engaged to someone esle but he cheated on her and slept with me he said he will talk to his fiance and tell her that he can’t marry her he didnt tell her anything yet infact he started ignoring my massages i tried msgn me mre then 20times but still no reply so i decided to tell his fiance that he slept with me but she didnt reply either just seen my massages. Idnt know what’s going on but am definitely heartbroken.

  • While reading this article every word hit the spot. I’m in a relationship with a married man for almost a decade now. We first me on one of my overseas trips, he was introduced to me by a friend. I don’t usually fall for men easily but the moment I met him I had a strange feeling that I knew him and I felt an instant connection to him. Given that, I was still very cautious because I knew he was married and had children and I always had my clear reservations about affairs with a married person. Despite those reservations I still found myself sucked into a love relationship with him and almost a decade after here I am writing this comment and spilling my heart out to others who are in my same position and can understand my heart’s cry. What made me throw my sentiments about ever being with a married man? The all natural cunning way most men capture us “My wife and have not been in love for a long time. I’m just in the marriage for the sake of my children. I’m not in love with her” Being my naive self, I later learned the hard way that this is the all too common strategy that most married men use to capture their prey. I visit him in his country few times a year as Ours is a long distance relationship and given the challenges that usually come with with long distance relationships, try adding the potent ingredient of extra marital to it. From the beginning he always told me that for the sake of his children he will not divorce his wife and marry me. He said when the kids are grown and their college completed and they are settled in life then he can consider a divorce. About 5 years into our relationship, one day we were having an argument and suddenly the words came out of his mouth that he also still loves his wife. Well, that was a bitter poison pill to swollow and I choked. He obviously went out of his way after that to try to prove that he does love me a lot and as much as his wife but to this day he can never say that he loves me more than her. Subsequent to that, during one of my visits to him we got married obviously not legally but in a secret way and he made me swear that I would never tell anyone. I console myself by thinking that he has married me because he loves me and not just as a way to satisfy me and keep me happy. We have had our fair share of problems over the years but somehow we managed to always stay together.
    As much as I love him and I have literally sacrificed my own life to be with him, I have lost myself, my identity. I now turn a blind eye to all obstacles in our relationship because many times I tried to leave him and I suffered much because I don’t have the strength to let go of him because I love him so much. He’s always very loving and caring towards me and I know he loves me a lot but knowing that he also loves his wife alot takes away everything. My life is now just a big compromise because I feel I will die if I’m not with him. So I just quietly endure.
    For those of you women who are in a relationship with a married man, I understand your heart and for those of you contemplating getting into such a relationship, please take my word for it… DON’T DO IT
    Carefully study the points in the above article, they are all 100% true.
    He will never leave his wife for you and in the odd case if he does, you will always have the insecure feeling of if he will cheat you too.
    His wife and children will always come first in every way. Don’t kid yourself to ever think that will change.
    Your relationship will never be given the opportunity to blossom beautifully in the open. He will always keep you hidden like a shameful habit and if the relationship ever accidentally comes to light he will deny you and step away from you like the plague.
    You will never have moments alone with him because she or her children will always intervene with calls, they will always linger somewhere in his mind so he’s never completely with you not even for a moment.
    But the most heart wrenching that will send you crazy if you are not strong is knowing that he’s making love to her. Knowing that he’s going out to events with her, holding her hand when he doesn’t even want to hold your hand in public. Knowing that she’s the one lying next to him in bed every night and he holds her on his chest. If you are not a tough person that will certainly send you over the edge. I was on the edge, even contemplated suicide at one point but now for me sanity I simply endure quietly. I accept our relationship for what it is because I feel I would die without him in my life. He’s very happy that he has his family and happy that I have succumb to him and he has me also. I have basically given up my independence and surrendered at his feet. I pray that no other woman ends us living a life as mine. Thank you for taking the time to read my experience this is the only avenue for me to reveal my bleeding heart.

  • I am in the exact same position. It has been over a decade, and I ended it because I couldn’t handle just being his other option. I wanted to be his one and only. You’re right they will never leave their wives. He has proclaimed that he loved me more, but if that were true why are we not together? I’m sick about it because recently I reached out to him. I know it’s a bad decision, but I’m so in love with him. I miss him. Now, it’s harder than before because I know how this ends… I know it will never be anything more. I feel stuck again. He’s out of town with his wife, and cannot communicate with me which makes me feel swept under a rug. I’m hurting here while he’s having fun, and going out with her. I’m crying here st home while he’s having romantic nights with her.
    I’ve reached out through sites like this because I need someone from the outside to tell me I’m stupid to tell me wth are you doing?!? I need to respect his marriage his kids… where are my morals?! I don’t think I’ll ever cut it off for good it’s just too painful. So girl Im right there with you, and I truly absolutely understand your pain!!
    I hope you find real happiness you deserve it!!

  • Hi all. Reading these posts helps so much. I’d been on my own for many years and it took a lot to find the strength to put myself out there again. I went on a online dating site & just 2 days later I contacted a man who’s profile caught my eye. He met within days & straight away I felt butterflies but I put it down to nerves. The conversation was easy & I found myself losing concentration looking into his eyes – the first time this has ever happened to me. He mentioned he was separated and although I felt trepidation I accepted his invitation to meet again. On our first real date I asked him if there was a chance he would reconcile with his wife and his response was ‘not a chance’ which gave me security to let my guard down a little more. After about 5 dates I accepted his invitation to spend the night with him and, although I don’t usually sleep with a man so soon, there was new feelings with this man and I couldn’t say no. I always think with my head and on this occasion I allowed myself to go with my heart. Everyone was always telling me going with my head was where I was going wrong with trying to find a long lasting relationship, so I followed my heart. He was adorable, the love making was amazing as was everything else. We were having so much time together when out of the blue he let me know that he needed to try again with his wife because he missed his 4 girls so I let him go although my heart broke, it was so unexpected. After 3 weeks he contacted me again and soon enough we were seeing each often and had sleep overs. I was happy and I thought he was too. After 5 months he again said he wanted to try and save his marriage so I had to let him go. That was 3 weeks ago, we are not having any contact but I miss him so much. I fell in love with him although I didn’t tell him that. I was close to telling him I’d fallen in love but my inner voice told me not to just yet.
    I don’t know where things are up to with him, whether they are going through with separation & divorce or if they are reconciling. We don’t have friends in common nor do our paths cross so I don’t think I’ll ever run into him. It takes all my strength to not contact him – I figure if he missed me he’d contact me.
    And. If he wants his wife he can’t have me on the side no way. I want a man that wants me & is able to be there for me. As I said to him from the beginning, I can share him with his children but not with another woman, I do not complete for a man’s affection , he either wants me as the woman in his life or not. It’s been so hard but I don’t feel I had a choice. Good luck finding your strength ladies, we deserve to be loved.

  • Hello, I really appreciate this article- The reason is I’ve never been married and I am with my loyal boyfriend for 16 years although we live on our separate house. We have our up and down but we are happy together. However, a year ago I got to know a married man and I believe I felt in love. However, I am always a very strong and independent, self-confidence, attractive woman. So I’ve been fighting within myself with the attraction with this married man. He also really attracted to me and he has told me he had affair before years ago. He had been married for a long time. He would like to cross the line but I’ve been a strong a good woman I never let it happen. So we’ve never hold hand or kiss. So….year later things get easier but he’s at my work place and I can run into him at anytime and day so it makes things more difficult for me to cut him off. After reading this article, I know I never intend to cheat on my boyfriend and or sleep with this married man ever. However, like you said in this article it’s really hard and I keep fighting with my urge about this married guy. I try to cut him off for sure, although, he also made it difficult for me because he does not let me go yet….because he still could not get me to sleep with him yet I think. So I will try to keep on fighting this battle and even after a year I get stronger and stronger and I believe that I will win this battle. One thing I know that walking away from this and I feel good that he will respect me forever and that he said I he had never met anyone like me – of course – because the majority of us will surrender with the power of love. Thank you very much for your article. I totally agree.

  • This post was just what I needed. I’ve been a torrid affair with a married man, on and off for 2 years. Everything you wrote about an affair with a married man, described my situation to a “t”. I am ashamed and disappointed in myself but I am learning to move past the affair. Last night I left, again, with the intentions of ending things, and woke up to a message from him stating that he finally understands that this can no longer go on. I wholeheartedly believe that this was the closure I needed combined with this post, to which I will read periodically to remind me that I’ve made the right decision to move on. I know that the healing will eventually feel like heaven. Thank you, thank you, thank you❤️???

  • Here’s what I say, a wife whose husband I’m pretty sure has strayed.
    I know that guy you met! Charming, handsome, almost like…a therapist.
    Here’s my answer for those of you who have fallen for this kind of guy; whom I actually love …”Take him. Take that man whose children I raised while he achieved his degree and I stupidly thought I could ride on the shirt tails of. Take his stupid narcissistic spending sprees while telling his wife and children there is no money for this or that. Take that handsome charming man who is actually a very negative cog in the wheel. Take his insane debt, his gas lighting and his self inflated ego that led him to think he deserves to have an affair because all his wife doae is complain about the above. What a wretch she is.
    I’ll smile nicely when I meet you for the first time. Yeah, it will be difficult but I’m goung to be friendly. Friendly because I won’t have full custody of his kids…yeah try and wear my old shoes when your dealing with kids you might not even give a sh*t about. It’s ok though, you are going to be showered with so much love and praise you just know you will get through this! This will go on for months….a few years. Suddenly you will realize many things that I did. And since I’ve been so nice to you (I will, its not your fault your this stupid) you will call me up for advice.
    Hopefully I’ll have a recording device so when I talk to him later I can play it.
    After all those years of gas lighting “your nuts, I didn’t, say, mean or even do that” I can say see its not just me, her and I both can’t be wrong; to which he will say, thats because your both nuts.
    After you have had enough of his sh*t he will try and come back to me…the only one who really loved him. Well SNAP MF’er I have a happy life now…c ya

  • Thnq so much for this post… I was in a relationship in 2012 but unfortunately my parents came to know abt this affair after three years… So they insisted me to cut all the connections with him… Falling under the pressure I did it but this year in 2017.. I came to know that he’s married and suddenly we’ve again met in fb and he again proposed me to begin this relationship…But I tried to convince him in each and every way that its not possible…I’ve told him everything which is article’s main concern.. He says he’ll leave his wife legally and marry me I know its not worth… And I also know that after some days or years their relationship will begin to grow and I’ll run after in a worthless matter but to be very honest I waa in huge conflict but after reading this article.. I know what I should to do.. Thnq so much for showing the ri8 path… And it is really very true that IF ANYONE IS GETTING INTO SUCH KIND OF RELATIONSHIP PLEASE DON’T DO IT… READ THE ARTICLE VERY CAREFULLY Once again thnq so much

  • Bottom line. If he’s going to hurt either, you or his wife it’s you. Learned it the hard way.

  • Why would you stay in an unhappy marriage? Damian says he’s not happy there is little love in his marriage, so why not leave her for the love of his life? Just don’t get it! All this bulls**t about kids and houses etc, you have one life. Yes that’s right people ‘ONE LIFE’ be happy. Or are you scared to be happy? Ladies having affairs with married men, leave them if they won’t leave their wife, sod this second best crap, you deserve better.

  • Thank you all for sharing your stories. I can feel your heartache and pain because i also made the mistake of loving him [the married man]. He pursued me for a year when we worked together. Finally i left my fiance of 11 years and gave myself to this other man. His uncle was my boss, his sister was my employee and due to a language barrier he translated for us. I fell head over heals because we are so alike. We share the same struggles, carry the same baggage, want the same things in the future and we both are strong and charismatic. He was and still is everything to me. He doesnt live with his wife so we spent every night together for a year. We kept the affair a secret from my boss and his wife but he introduced me to all of his friends and his brothers, his 7 year old daughter, and even told his mom about me. We spent so much time together that it felt wierd when we werent together. He never said he would leave her. He did say he wouldnt leave her. I guess that he believed in marriage but not monogamy. It dosnt matter what he said because my heart is with him. We are more than compatable, we are soul mates. I couldn’t call him on sundays because he was at his wifes house. I couldnt go to his birthday party because she was there. I told him that i need to move on and he was okay with it but he continued to call, come to my office, text and email, he even asks my friends about me. I ache for his touch. I cry every day because i miss him. I told him that i am seeing someone else who wants to marry me which is true but i cant stop missing him. I am so confused and afraid that i have ruined my life forever with this stupid affair. I am sure that i will die as “the mistress”. Is that any way to live? That is the question that i cant answer

    • Hello Anna
      I feel I share similar thing with you. but I m not even a proper mistress to start with..

  • Going on three years of ups and downs for me. We are both married. We both have kids. We both love each other, however he won’t leave because of his kids. He can’t fathom making such an outright decision for himself that would only hurt them. I’m more of a dreamer and argue that such things can heal, especially for older children. I have tried to end it but can’t; he easily draws me back in without even having to try. I know that I could seem myself continuing this cycle because I love him… But I hate the feeling of being less important than her and never chosen first. We don’t even have the opportunity to be physical; it’s the emotional connection that we have the most. I never thought I’d be this way, the other woman, but I can’t imagine my life without him, even if it’s little more than a smile and a hug hello. God, it hurts so bad. Just terrible.

    • Wow truely an eye opener for real this time. I’m ending things with my married man. Thank you are for sharing. I read this article thoroughly numerous times again..its true dead end, being kept a secret, etc..Im ready to accept what my part..we both jeot seeing each other .. the hurt I caused myself painful now…involved with same married man pass 4 years 4 months whom was first separated living apart from a wfe 3 years when we met. Instant mutual attraction, allure, good flowing conversation..etc etc. Great Imtimacy. 3 months into it..and becoming intimate he told me was not over his exstranged wife. I was dumbfounded but kept persuing him..and him me. To fill a need…void we both had..desires excitement, and so forth. 12 months into him and he asked me to forgive him but he was given a 2nd chance after filing divorce papers with separated wife. Was difficult ..sad for me..but I accepted what he told me. They were married 6 months when she walked away from marriage?? Humm. He told divorce lawyer not send her papers. She lived in VA. Us both in Pa. It abruptly ended with Janet …his exstranged wife. Lawyer sent papers by mistake or that is what Steve told me. We did not talk for 5 months..then I found out thru a mutual friend he remarried..when briefly divorced ..I was shocked. I was simply was seeking an Awesome boyfriend. He has been remarried on a big rebound. Claims it was good first 3 months..then new wife changed.. borderline personality. Quit wanting sex ..lack of communication. I contacted him..after no contact 5 months when I found out about marriage ..I was baffled hurt. We started texting, talking..meeting secretly to make love. He says unhappy. They agrue disagree alot..he works 7 days a week…self employed. We were so limited..could not do things together we both liked. Why I now ask myself did I allow myself to become so emotionally and physically caught up with this man. Over course of 4 years we told each other feelings grew, a bond, a good friendship. We texted all the time..I know he cares for me. Me him. I recently told him I feel in love …with him. Want more..he can’t I knew that from nearly our beginning. I tried to meet. Connect with other men. Hadn’t happened. Was I need, insecure. Or lots hopeful wishful thinking that he leave his current Wife. Things were nice good between him and me inspite of the restrictions, limits. I know now fully he has issues…quickly committing to wrong kinds women. Boreline personalities. I’m definitely not one. He thinks he can fix them. He needs fix ..things within himself. I feel now sad for him. He has told me consistently all the things wrong bad in their marriage. Lack of passion.. affectionate that him and I shared. He needs continue in maybe false hopes things with the wife will change get better right. I doubt it. But I now know I need let him go. Our involvement no long right or feels good or for me. A stronger women Ive become since being involved with a married man. Im fully aware and know what I want..and deserve. Hurts like crap I truely care for my married man. Feel in love. Wished for a real chance..just him and me. Chosing each other. I must allow myself to heal now. Let him go…NO going back. We had sex once this year. We both finally agree it has been not right to had an affair. He wants stay just friends ..stay in touch allottee to see how I’m doing. Not sure I want to or can do that. Or should. Thanks for sharing and reading. I needed to write I know you all can relate. Prayers for you all and me. And our married person. I see I mainly hurt myself. I’ll heal than can move on hopefully the RIGHT free man meant just for me pop into my life. Meanwhile learning to be fine and happy alone.

    • Hey anon, how is it going for you? I’m in the exact same situation. The only difference was that, I lost it all. I filed for the divorce and was ready to start a new life with him. I couldn’t do a two time. But.. as the odds has it, he decided he can’t do it.. because of the kids. Hit me up. Let’s find strength to go through it together.

  • I just started an affair with my boss
    We have both been married over 20 years and have never cheated so this is all very new to us . If someone told me I would be unfaithful to my husband six months ago, I would say you are crazy. I have never cheated and never even thought about it. The chemistry my boss and I share is through the roof. Both of us spend more time Together then with our spouses. It started with flirting, graduating to touching and then we just had sex a few days ago. We both know what we are doing is wrong but we both admitted we can not stop it. I have tried to put him out of my mind but it’s hard as we obviously work together . When we are apart I think of him constantly. I have gone as far as even thinking about quitting my job but this affair is so intoxicating and I really care for this man as he says the same . Even tho we both have said we will not hurt our spouses by leaving them. I know ultimately I will probably get hurt but willing to take that chance right now . This is the hardest thing I have ever dealt with.

  • Thank you for this message. The MM I saw for 8 months contacted me after we were parted for 30 years. He is married though when we met he wore no wedding band or mentioned a wife. We texted several times a day. We met in NY after a few months, and became intimate. It went on until the Christmas holidays, his birthday, & the sudden death of a family member. He was not there for me. When I tried to break it off, I got lured back with the “soul mate” routine. The sex got routine, he was never available when I needed him, he’s not what I thought. I feel beyond disappointed but I have learned s great deal about what I want. This isn’t it! He’s not it! So starting day 1 & looking forward to moving on with my life. It will be hard, I had feelings, but I will live through it. Wishing all the gals on here the strength & courage to respect themselves & break free of the hell that is an affair!

  • I am desperately in love with a married man and have been for nearly two years. Nothing has happened between us other than him being very flirtatious. He has also hugged me a few times and gotten a little TOO close and TOO personal, which is wrong because he is my medical doctor. I think he feels guilty about this because he goes out of his way to mention his wife and has played with his wedding ring in front of me. He has told me a lot about his personal life and we are very close….I think he is deciding what to do. The chemistry between us is electric but obviously it is a very awkward and problematic situation, not the least of which is because of his job.