If you’re having trouble letting go of your first love, don’t think you’re the only one. It’s tough, but it’s something you can overcome with a little help from people who have been through it. Remember, we all have love and heartache, and we all feel like we will never get over it, but feelings are temporary.
We don’t stay mad forever and change is constant (thank goodness). But instead of going through your old photos and debating over what to text him, we are going to teach you how to get over your first love so you can heal up and move on.
How to stop thinking about him
It is necessary to grieve and not push those emotions aside, but you shouldn’t feel bad for yourself and pity yourself. Now, did you know that you can control your thoughts? You may feel like your thoughts just bombard you endlessly, however, the way that we heal is by choosing different thoughts.
Meditation can help you gain control over what you allow yourself to think about. Try sitting and clearing your mind. When your mind wanders, let go of the thoughts and try to have a blank mind. This tool will help you get over your first love, and if it’s difficult to sit still and clear your mind at first, don’t worry, it will get easier over time.
You’ll always remember your first love
When you first break up, all you will be able to think about is him, and soon, the amount of time you spend thinking about him will become less and less. He will become a memory, and although you won’t remember your arguments so vividly, you’ll never forget him completely.
When you start to understand yourself better through your first love experience, you will be able to let go of him. Soon it will not be so painful because you will understand, logically, why you were attracted to him, what you learned about yourself through the issues that came up (jealousy or insecurities are common) and you will think of that as the old you.
You will be able to love again
Sometimes you have that feeling that you could never love someone again after the first love experience, but you will be able to. When we are younger, our emotions often outweigh our rational mind. As we get older and gain more experience in relationships, we start to look for different qualities in people.
We change ourselves and as our viewpoints and our bodies change, we become attracted to different types of people. As you learn what type of person you get along with easiest, your first love will begin to seem like a learning lesson, and you will be grateful for it.
Stop comparing your relationships with your first love
If you’re trying to meet someone, but you keep bringing up your first boyfriend, the other person will be really offended, so try not to talk about your past relationship. In your mind, try to just stay present and not think back to how it was with your first love.
Every person that comes into our lives offers us the ability to grow as a person and become a better human. When we are challenged in a relationship with a new personality and a person with a new set of experiences, we will grow in different ways.
Remember, every relationship is unique, and as we grow older, the way we spend our time in relationships changes. When we are in school and dating, we have more time to hang out and less stress about bills usually. When we are dating someone who is in the working world, it’s not realistic to stay up late during the week and go to parties.
Your next relationship is going to be different, but relish in the fact that you are now wiser and have some experience. Usually, the first one is the most painful because we are experiencing something so new.
Our first love reflects where we were at in our lives
It’s hard to make sense of why we had to go through the extreme high of loving someone so deeply and the extreme low of being broken apart from that person, but here is how you can begin to make sense of it.
When we are young, we are still not really sure who we will become although we have an idea of it. Often we still have a lot of growing to do to become a better person, and the person that comes into our lives as our ‘first love’ will reflect those areas that we can grow out of.
One of the biggest lessons we learn a lot of times with our first love is that we must not depend on another person for our happiness, because then we can lose it. Often you see people get so caught up in their first relationship that they forget to be there for their friends and stop focusing on growing as a person.
They become consumed with the love between them and the attention they crave from the other person. This is a valuable learning lesson because we need to find a balance between loving someone and being an individual with our own goals and passions.
Someone new will enter your life
Not if, but when someone new enters your life, you will be able to fall in love again. Try not to go from one serious relationship to the next because it’s important to take your time to get to know someone and make sure you’re happy and comfortable being single. Otherwise, you’re likely to find the same problems come up in your next relationship.
You need to take time to reflect not only on what you think your first love did wrong in the relationship, but how you allowed or contributed to things. You will want to really pay attention to how you reacted and think about if you could have been more positive or a better person in certain ways.
How can you be better the next time around?
In order to come to terms with your first love, it’s important to reframe its value in your mind. Instead of only associating it with heartache, it will help you to make a list of what you will do differently in your next relationship. Maybe it’s that you will take more time getting to know the person or that you will speak up for yourself more.
Maybe it’s that you will wait to find someone that has similar interests, not be attracted to someone because of their exterior appearance or be very cautious to make sure the man will show you respect. Each of us will learn certain ‘red flags’ from our first love that will steer us in a better direction in the future.
Besides now knowing how to be more selective with the guys you date, you also have a great opportunity to be honest about the areas you can improve in yourself to attract a better mate.
If you found yourself complaining in the relationship, being demanding or moody, or maybe dumping your problems onto him too much or not taking care of your physical health, these are all things you can let go of, but be aware so you will not do it in your next relationships.
Maybe you were really concerned about him liking the way you looked and it created insecurities for you. It’s so valuable to realize that a good man will like you for who you are and appreciate your natural beauty, so you don’t feel like you’re competing for his attention (that’s one I learned).
Don’t be afraid to love, it gets easier every time
The good news is that every relationship we have allows us to be that much smarter and know ourselves better. The wiser we become, the easier relationships are. You might be a little bitter or gun shy your next time out of the gate, but don’t let your heart close.
We are stronger each time we get into relationships and will learn new things. Keep an open heart and make sure you really know what you’re looking for in a man. Make a list of the important qualities of substance that he must have, and no matter how charming he is, don’t settle for anything less!
Share your experience, but don’t talk about it incessantly
It’s a good idea to ask your friends or people that are older than you that you trust how they got over their first love. You will realize it was hard for everyone, and they still remember it, but it doesn’t hurt them anymore.
It’s ok to share what you are going through, but please, don’t talk about your ex all the time because people will get very sick of it and you want to make sure you ask them how they are doing and not just talk about your feelings even if you’re having a rough time.
Study how to have a good relationship
One thing I wish I would have done at an earlier age is study how to have a healthy relationship. Instead, I just fell blindly from one to the next. However, there are many great books out there about dating and attracting a good man by being very healthy, positive and grounded in ourselves.
I really like ‘The Mastery of Love’ by Don Miguel Ruiz and another book of his called ‘The Four Agreements.’ These books helped me learn how to stop taking things personally and how to stop feeling like a victim in relationships (of all kinds).
Therapy can really help
If you’re struggling with the emotions of letting him go, there is nothing wrong with seeing a therapist. Therapy is not something that is just for crazy people, it’s actually something that many intelligent and emotionally sound people use to empower themselves to not repeat old patterns of behaviors that only hurt them.
Don’t worry if people might think poorly of you for going to therapy, and if some of the people you know are insensitive, don’t share it with them. The people who really care about you and don’t judge you will support you in talking to someone to help gain a more positive perspective so you can heal.
Get off the couch, dress up and get social
Just to keep it real, you will feel better if you put some effort into your physical appearance. It’s not that it’s that important; it’s just like you’re preparing yourself for a new experience and putting your best foot forward. You can’t sit at home and wallow in self-pity, crying in your sweatpants (sorry, but it’s true).
You have to move on and start experiencing life! Get your hair done, smell nice and wear something you feel fabulous in! Call up your friends and get out and interact with people. It will help get your mind off of your breakup and it will help you meet new people. Don’t bring up your ex even if you want to!
Get healthy and feel great!
What is most important, even more than looking your best, is feeling your best. Instead of reaching for a beer or a glass of wine, reach for herbal tea and a green juice. Get your butt to a yoga class every day so you don’t get depressed and so you start feeling confident again.
You need to feed on proper food and have daily exercise or you will struggle to overcome your breakup and it can spiral downhill rather quickly.
Fill your day with lots of positive energy, inspiring quotes and books and activities that will get you feeling and looking great! Resist the urge to binge on ice cream and pizza, and instead, make healthy salads and smoothies!
Your body needs to move to not get depressed and these healthy habits will get you over the hump!
Remember ladies, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Fill your mind with as many positive thoughts as you can, and remind yourself of all the good traits you have that would make a guy lucky to date you.
Work on yourself and pursue your goals because guys love a confident, driven and successful woman. The more we build ourselves up, the less likely we are to fall into the trap of depending on a man too!
We are happy to hear about your stories and progress in the comments, and we wish you the very best. Be sure to share this article with friends who might need it, and look through our other articles about how to live a vibrant and happy life here on YouQueen.